Selah // Something Witty

But you've got diamonds under your feet, in your heart.

Date: 09.09.17 -- Day 53
Music: "Diamonds" / Laura Mvula

Sometimes the grass ain't greener on the other side
Maybe the sky is clearer in another place

It rained yesterday. That is usually not a big deal in the Pacific Northwest, but there have been a series of fires that have made the air quality dreadful. There was ash in the air and the smell of smoke everywhere, and I live north enough where that shouldn't have been a problem, and yet... So yesterday as I was out running errands, it began to rain for the first time in months. For a moment I just tipped my head back, eyes closed, and let it fall on my face. I didn't know how much I had missed the feel of it until the droplets were landing on my skin.

It did wonders for the air. The rain came only for a short while, but it was enough to make it feel like autumn and bring some people out on the town again. It also cleansed me as well. It was only for a moment. But for the wondrous moment I felt somewhat whole again. A small breeze came through, bringing in the scent of salt water from the bay. It's those sudden moments that make putting one foot in front of the other a little less daunting than before.

Waiting for a day of change to come
And you're beautiful, dancing in a gloomy storm

For the last couple of days, there's been this barrier between me and my emotions. Not quite numb, just like I've piled everything into a mound and threw a makeshift blanket over it to not have to see the mess anymore. It's an odd feeling, this disconnect from everything. There are moments when things peek through. The sensation of wanting to cry. The sense of peace while in the rain. The muted frustration of being up another night to watch the sun rise. I don't know why everything is behind a cloud. I mean, I do. But I don't know how. The thing that kind of worries me, in a foggy sorta way, is what will happen when the cloud passes. Will it be this big crash? Or just a sudden sinking feeling? Shame? Anger? Sadness? Will it happen sooner rather than later? I have this weird idea that maybe I'm just this raw mess of a person, but I have no emotional lexicon for it so my brain just defaulted to this abstract state.

But you got diamonds under your feet
But you got diamonds in your heart

She was buried yesterday. I think, on instinct, I knew the moment it happened. Or maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part. Before the cloud, I was angry. At her. At my brother. I was mad that she didn't get the redemption she needed to go through to make things better. This isn't one of those films where the person hits bottom, realizing the work they need to do, and makes it out the other side. Sometimes bottom is just death. And I cannot help but see this countdown clock on some of the others around me. That want to beg them to get help now. To make that leap now. It's a disease. A curse. It shreds and destroys me every time. And the only way it works is if the person wants the help. That's the most difficult part. Because it could be years, decades, before they're ready.

A large part of me thinks I should be thankful for the cloud. I've been able to function. Lost in grief is just lost in grief. The cloud keeps me moving. Keeps me functional. Maybe that's what I need right now. My hope is that the cloud isn't like the rain yesterday that only stays for a fleeting moment. For this second, muted is good, and I'll take it.