Selah // Something Witty

Where one relaxes on the axis of the wheel of life.

Date: 11.27.17 -- Day 62
Music: "Lush Life" / Queen Latifah

Nothing ever happens the way it is planned. My annual trek back to California ended up not happening as my mother's health took a turn. It's hard to make these choices. There is a push and pull of obligation between my two parents. A hazard of a divorce. No matter what I do or how old I get, there is always someone who is disappointed in me. It is one of the first lessons I found in adulthood. And it never gets easier.

Part of it can be traced back to filial obligation that became hidden underneath other things as both of my parents' families assimilated to the United States. It became soft questions and quiet expectations rather than something so very obvious in our day-to-day lives. I am the youngest (only daughter). There are certain things that I am obligated to do. We might dress it a little differently than prior generations, but those lines of honor remain the same. I am 85% happy to do most of the things asked of me. However, the level of disappointment aimed toward me when certain aspects fall through is something I could do without. Honestly, I would prefer physical pain than the disappointment of my parents. Depending on which moment you catch me in, that is either a weakness or a strength in my eyes.

Full honesty, I've cried a couple of times and had me a nice glass of whisky Thanksgiving night. A nice single malt that I bring out for New Years and hard times, something I taste no more than four times a year. It seemed like the right time. The burn. The salt tears. The disappointment. The phone calls. The ways I will be pay for not meeting those obligations. I am a daughter who loves her family, and that love has consequences.