Selah // Something Witty

Ghosts don't stand a chance against the radio.

Date: 01.07.18 -- Day 72
Music: "No Peace In Quiet" / Delta Rae

The scent of coffee seems to have permeated my clothes and my skin. I've been haunting so many coffee shops this past week, in two different countries no less, that there's a good chance I am slowly becoming a coffee bean. The nature of tutoring and counseling makes coffee shops to best alternative to having an office, simply for the fact that most tutoring sessions go beyond academia. Libraries just don't have that kind of atmosphere for those conversations. (It's my way of helping to keep libraries quiet zones for students and visitors; loud conversations in libraries have always been one of my irrational pet peeves.) This has been a difficult quarter, and the quarter has barely begun. In some ways, Winter Quarter is the hardest of quarters because there isn't that rush of summer break being around the corner like in Spring or the drive to start anew like there is in Fall. Winter is that harsh middle ground. The nights are long and cold and damp. The sound of one's heart beats louder because winter only brings silence. There are a great many inner journeys happening, a search of warmth perhaps, whether people are really ready for that kind of trek or not. Truths are harsh and glaring like the gleam of light off the surface of a frozen, icy lake. Too harsh sometimes. I cannot blame my students for feeling it because I feel it too. It's a trick of the light from a winter sun - so desperately wanted, but at the same time, only an fraction of its true strength.

The hard part about this job is walking the line between friend and tutor. Each of my students is also my friend. We were friends before the tutoring happened in most cases, or we became friends after tutoring led to talking about personal issues. And each of them has different needs. Some need to a no-nonsense older sister while others need the fun, odd aunt who teaches around the subject for them to really understand the information. I adapt to them instead of each of them adapting to me. I started out the other way, but it wasn't successful as the moment they started to struggle, they either gave up entirely or tutoring sessions were just another chore they put off as often as they could. By adapting to them, everyone won and succeeded. It's simply finding the right time to code-switch. Sometimes I forget to switch over, but luckily we all seem to have come away from the experience unscathed or they don't notice, lol. But it's sessions like today where I wonder if my student got what they needed from me. We were set to tutor as she preps for the beginning of her quarter, but the dark season has gotten to her. While she's not one to say it, 2017 was a difficult year for her, including a car accident that caused a lot more lasting damage than she initially thought. She's unsure and feeling down about life and herself, and that is leading her to make impulsive decisions. It became obvious that the personal needed to happen before the academic as one was impeding the other. Thinking back about it, I'm not sure I made the switch as well as I should have. She needed a friend, but I was sterner than I usually am with friends. Idk if that's winter invading me too or if that's just me now. We left on a good note as I think my tone actually helped her cut through of the messiness of her current situation, but I cannot help but wonder if it was the right thing as a friend. That pesky line.

There are other things I should be writing, other things I should be focused on, but I cannot thinking back through my past week, remembering every coffee cup I nearly burned my hand on and the sharp scent that seems to cling to me, following me home even in my off time. I cannot help but wonder if I'm handling things as I should. The doubt they feel, I feel as well. That deep and buried seed of self-loathing, I recognize that festering emotion within myself. That idea that it would be better to just stop and hide in a hole somewhere, but having too much responsibility to ever actually do that. Maybe it's that I've exceeded the amount of coffee I can have for a week threefold, but there is this feeling of despair in the chilled daylight. A kind of despair that feels catching. Now more than ever I realize that sometimes all we have are words against the invading cold.

So to anyone who reads this, please know, you are enough. Right here, in this moment, you are enough. No matter the life you've led before this moment or the life you will lead after it; you are enough.

Please stay warm out there.