Blogocentric Formulations

Goonies Never Say Die!

"Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  PROMPT (DAY 12): Congratulations, you're now the head of a major motion picture studio! You have the final say over what films get made and how much money is spent on them! With your newfound authority, you can remake or reboot any film from the past. Which will you choose and why? And, more importantly, how big a movie would you make? Would you want to do a big budget remake of a cult classic? A Star Wars movie with a small indie feel? A complete reboot of the Transformers franchise? A future-set sci-fi adaptation of Titanic? This is your chance to overhaul a movie of your choice from the past... tell us a little about what that project is and how you see the new version turning out!


When thinking about today's blog entry, I briefly considered flat-out remaking a movie I loved as a child (wouldn't it be awesome to see a live-action update to the animated classic Transfomers: The Movie with all that our visual effects can accomplish today? It's still the best Transformers movie, IMHO), and then entertained the idea of completely rebooting a franchise that's gone a little off the rails but has a lot of potential (The Transporter franchise, for example). But ultimately I decided to go with a beloved childhood movie that I think could be really successful without necessarily having a full on reboot or just trying to remake the original. I'd choose:

What kid wouldn't want to go on a treasure hunt? And you could totally do this as a sequel to the original. Bring back one of the kids (Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, etc.) who's now in the role of a parent, and their kids get to set off on a new adventure of their own. You could tie the new adventure into the same One-Eyed Willy plotline from the original movie, or you could come up with a completely different legend behind a new buried treasure. Either way, it would be a blast (and I think really successful) to introduce an entirely new generation to the fun of a family movie that centers on a bunch of kids trying to uncover the secrets to a buried treasure. Then again, maybe I just love these kinds of movies in general, because I would totally consider a National Treasure or Romancing the Stone reboot too.

I'd probably give the movie a modest budget and modest release plan. Over the years of working in this business, I've learned that having a huge amount of money to spend doesn't always guarantee success. Sometimes the truly memorable moments come when you have to find creative ways to work around budgeting or logistical problems. A huge studio blockbuster titles like the Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Jurassic World fare have budgets in excess of $200 million, which I don't think you'd need for this. A modest budget mainstream film (The Shape of Water, Hidden Figures, the Tyler Perry movies, etc.) might have a budget of around $20-$25 million. And a standard studio film (including Goonies if you adjust its 1984 production budget for inflation) would be around $50 million (Ted, The Nice Guys, 22 Jump Street, Central Intelligence, Erin Brokovich, The Emoji Movie, Moneyball, Peter Rabbit, etc.). I think someone could make a perfectly serviceable Goonies sequel for around $50 million, without needing to go all crazy with the costly visual effects or special effects. And on a modest budget, there's a much higher likelihood of becoming solidly profitable than spending a huge amount of money and hoping it's a home run.


On a completely separate note, while I was researching this blog post today, I started looking through a list of cult movies just to see if anything would inspire me... and whoa boy did I find a lot of really, um, unusual movies. I'd heard of a couple of them before (Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Sharknado), but most of these are new to me and I just had to share them based on their synopses alone. All synopses are borrowed from Wikipedia... most of them are just quick blurbs but there are two that are much more detailed because you almost need the longer description in those cases to fully appreciate how bizarre and/or gross those films are:

Frankenhooker ▼

Jeffrey, a young man who lives in New Jersey, is heartbroken after his fiancée Elizabeth is killed by a lawnmower during a cookout. He decides that the only way to confront her loss is to use his science skills to bring her back to life. As her body has been cut into pieces, Jeffrey must take new parts from other women and he ultimately chooses to harvest them from the bodies of New York City prostitutes he lures back to his house and kills via exploding crack. He uses the body parts to bring Elizabeth back to life; her mind, however, isn't fully restored. The newly revived creation escapes and begins looking for customers, who end up exploding after encountering her. Jeffrey also has problems in the form of the pimp Zorro, who comes looking for the women Jeffrey hired. He threatens Jeffrey and strikes Elizabeth, which causes her to regain her senses. During all of this the spare hooker parts are reanimated into a many limbed monster, which drags Zorro away - but not before he kills Jeffrey. Wanting her lover back, Elizabeth decides to revive Jeffrey via the same procedure he used on her. Since the process only works on female bodies, Elizabeth had to use the hookers' body parts. Jeffrey has a brief moment of clarity before he realizes he only has female body parts. He then begins to groan in shock as Elizabeth says they will be together forever. The film then cuts to black.

Gayni**ers From Outer Space ▼

The film follows a group of intergalactic homosexual black men from the planet Anus, who discover the presence of female creatures on planet Earth. Using rayguns, they proceed to eliminate females one by one from Earth, eliciting gratitude from the previously oppressed male population. Before leaving the planet, they leave behind a "Gay Ambassador" to educate the Earthlings about their new way of life. NOTE:
Character names include ArmInAss, D. Ildo, Sgt. Shaved Balls, and Capt. B. Dick.

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle ▼

Set in a Birmingham, England suburb, the film is about a man named Noddy and his girlfriend Kim who operate a motorcycle courier business. One day Noddy buys a classic motorbike, a 850cc Norton Commando, and restores it. That motorbike, however, is possessed by the evil spirit of a man who was being summoned by an occultist who was killed by a motorbike gang. Whenever the spirit is overcome by a seeming blood lust, the bike starts up, rides on its own and kills people, particularly members of the Hells Angels. Michael Elphick plays Inspector Cleaver and Anthony Daniels plays the eccentric priest who attempts to exorcise the bike’s evil spirit.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter ▼

A 2001 cult film from Odessa Filmworks which deals with Jesus' modern-day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, from vampires with the help of Mexican wrestler El Santo (based on El Santo, Enmascarado de Plata, and played by actor Jeff Moffet, who starred as El Santo in two other Odessa Filmworks productions).

Killer Klowns from Outer Space ▼

The film is about a clan of evil aliens from an unknown region, who all resemble circus clowns. They arrive on Earth and invade a small town in order to capture, kill, and harvest the human inhabitants to use as sustenance.

Nude on the Moon ▼

Scientist Dr. Jeff Huntley inherits a fortune from his uncle and invests it in the development of a rocket ship, built with the assistance of his mentor, Dr. Nichols. After landing on the Moon, the pair discover a civilization of topless extraterrestrials led by a Moon Queen with telepathic powers. Enamored of Dr. Huntley, the Moon Queen allows the men to take photos of the nudists during their everyday activities. Their oxygen running low, the two are forced to return to Earth, realizing in the process that they've left their camera behind and have no proof of the aliens' existence. Jeff is dispirited to learn that nobody believes their trip succeeded, but his spirits are lifted when he sees the resemblance between Dr. Nichols's secretary, Cathy, and the Moon Queen. The movie ends as the two embrace, signaling the beginning of a new romance.

Nekromantik (GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING!) ▼

The film centers on Rob Schmadtke, the tragic hero, who works for "Joe's Cleaning Agency", a company that removes bodies from public areas and cleans up after traffic accidents. This job leaves him the opportunity to pursue his full-time hobby: necrophilia. He returns home from his job to his apartment and girlfriend Betty. He plays with his assortment of preserved human remains and watches television while Betty takes a bath in blood-laden water. Their apartment is decorated with centerfolds featuring models, pictures of famed killers, and jars containing human parts, which are preserved in formaldehyde.

Rob returns to work and discovers his new obsession, the corpse of the unnamed gardener, which has been found rotting in a pond. During the removal process, Rob absconds with it. He excitedly returns home with this gift for his waiting wife. They immediately cut a steel pipe and put a condom over it so Betty will have a phallus to straddle during their ménage à trois. This is immediately followed by a scene of meat being grilled.

Betty and Rob dine and converse while watching their new "toy" hang on the wall. Plates collect the fluids that drip out of the body. When Rob goes to work the next day, he is confronted by his co-workers, who are tired of his habitual tardiness and the stinking suit festering in his locker. His foreman Bruno (Harald Lundt), who never liked him, bullies him as they climb the stairs to see the boss. Rob is fired on the spot.

At the apartment, Betty reads a love story to the corpse. She asks the corpse if it could feel the love in the story and begins to straddle the face of the corpse. When Rob returns, he informs Betty of his termination and she berates him for his failure as well as the fact that he did not stand up for himself. Betty soon leaves and takes the corpse with her. In a violent outburst, he kills their cat and bathes with its blood and entrails in the tub while the animal's body hangs over the tub. He then leaves to go to see a horror film. After being bullied by a fellow movie-goer, Rob leaves to go back to his apartment, visibly despondent.

Rob attempts suicide with pills and whiskey. Once he wakes up, he leaves his apartment and hires a prostitute. They go to a cemetery, where he hopes the environment will help satisfy his libido, but he fails to perform sexually. When the prostitute mocks him, he strangles her and then has sex with her corpse. He is startled as he awakes beside her with an old gardener standing over them. Rob grabs the man's shovel, chops his head off, and runs away.

The film closes with Rob's grisly suicide, in which he stabs himself while ejaculating.

Sharknado ▼

A freak cyclone hits Los Angeles causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in water spouts and flood the city with shark-infested seawater. Bar-owner and surfer Fin (Ian Ziering) sets out with his friends to rescue his estranged wife, April (Tara Reid), and their teenage daughter, Claudia, before the "sharknado" reaches them. NOTE: The best part about this is it's actually a franchise. There's also Sharknado 2: The Second One, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, Sharknado: The 4th Awakens, Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, and the upcoming Sharknado 6
which is being touted as featuring "time travel, Nazis, dinosaurs, knights, and Noah's Ark.

ThanksKilling ▼

At the first Thanksgiving in 1621, a topless Pilgrim is slain with a tomahawk wielded by an evil demonic turkey, which quips, "Nice tits, bitch!"

Centuries later, five college students (good girl Kristen, jock Johnny, ditzy Ali, redneck Billy, and nerdy Darren) head home to Crawl Berg (formerly Crawberg) for Thanksgiving with their families. After Kristen calls her father, the local sheriff, the car overheats, forcing the quintet to camp out for the night. As they are setting up, Darren tells the settler-era folktale of Feathercloud, a Native American shaman who was dishonored by hedonistic pilgrim Chuck Langston, one of Billy's ancestors. The outraged Feathercloud used necromancy to create Turkie, who is said to appear every five-hundred and five years to slaughter all Caucasians he encounters.

Elsewhere, a dog owned by a hermit named Oscar urinates on a miniature totem pole, desecrating it, and releasing Turkie prematurely. The dog is killed, prompting Oscar to swear vengeance as Turkie runs off, and scares Kristen. Kristen tells the others about her run-in with Turkie, but they laugh off her story, until a baby rabbit (which appears to have been pecked to death) is thrown into their campfire. The next day, Turkie flags down a vehicle, and when the driver sexually propositions him, Turkie responds by shooting the man in the head and hijacking his car. By nightfall, the students reach their respective homes, and while Johnny tries to reconnect with his estranged father, Turkie attacks him. Johnny's parents are killed, but he escapes, and rejoins his friends with the exception of Ali, who is having sex with her boyfriend, Greg. Turkie walks in on the lovers, slits Greg's throat, and rapes Ali before snapping her neck.

After finding Ali's remains, the students decide to go to Kristen's house, to see if her father has any books about Turkie in his library. Turkie beats them there, tricking Kristen's father (who is dressed as a turkey for an upcoming pageant) into letting him in by wearing Groucho glasses. As they wait for Kristen, Turkie and the sheriff share an awkward snack, which ends when Turkie murders the sheriff after he mistakes him for a duck. Kristen and her friends arrive, and are allowed in by Turkie, who has donned the sheriff's severed face as a disguise. Darren finds a book about Turkie, and it mentions he can be killed if his magic talisman is removed, though the rest of the passage about how to destroy him is written in code. Billy stumbles onto Turkie disposing of the sheriff's body, and while he and the others succeed in getting the talisman, Turkie gets away.

Billy storms off while Darren cracks the code in the book, discovering that Turkie must be burned at the stake after a demonic prayer is said backwards. Outside, Turkie magically enters Billy's body, and shoots his way out. Billy dies in Darren's arms as they reminisce about all the good times they had together. Darren, Kristen, and Johnny track Turkie to his tipi and say the prayer, but as they prepare to burn him he runs outside, and is shot in the head by Oscar. Oscar leaves, and the others go to Kristen's house, unaware that the dumpster Turkie was blasted into contains radioactive waste, which reanimates him.

Believing that Turkie is dead, the surviving teens go back to Kristen's house. While Johnny and Kristen admit their feelings for each other, Darren awkwardly goes to the kitchen to get a snack. There, Turkie rips Darren's tongue and heart out, and stabs Johnny with an electric knife. As Johnny dies, Kristen sets Turkie on fire with an aerosol flamethrower, and knocks him into a pile of wood. Later, at a family's Thanksgiving dinner, the cooked turkey comes to life, and in Turkie's voice yells, "Do I smell sequel, biotch?!"