Complex Numbers

Writer's Block

As you probably know, I'm not doing NaNoWriMo this year.

I've had three successful NaNos, meaning I met my 50,000 word goal and got out something that passes for a coherent narrative each time, but I just wasn't feeling it this year.

So, what does it take for me to "feel it?"

Let's take as a given that I want to get more writing done. I mean, I think I'm pretty good at it, and there aren't that many things I'm good at, so it strikes me as something I should want to do. But, as I've explained before, I like to do a lot of things, not just concentrate on one activity (not even video games or drinking, both of which are activities that don't require much creativity).

One thing I've learned from my NaNo experiences: writing, really, isn't about inspiration or motivation; it's about work. It's about getting the words out there, outlining, planning, coming up with characters and situations, and - my personal monster - editing.

So, first, I'd have to get past my aversion to work. I like the easy paths. I may be an adequate writer, but writing is hard. Not physically demanding, at least, but mentally challenging - at least if I'm doing it right, and I demand of myself that I do it right. It's why I don't brew my own beer. Beer is one of my favorite things in the entire universe, but how could I possibly brew a superior beer when there are over 6000 breweries in the US alone, many of which create a delicious amber nectar that I couldn't even hope to approach, let alone surpass? So I'm content to drink those, in the same way that I enjoy reading Brandon Sanderson or Jim Butcher and going, "Okay, there's no way I can ever be that good, so why bother?"

The second thing I need is ideas. Not just one idea. I never do anything for just one reason; that would be inefficient. I think my best work combines two or more ideas and plays them off each other. But I'm not a very creative person by nature, so even coming up with one idea is like hiking up a mountain.

And finally, there's the discipline to sit down and actually do the work, ideally every day. I know I can, because I have, but thinking about doing it again makes me itchy. The worst thing is, I don't know whether I'm more afraid of failure or success. Failure sucks, and success is great, but if there's one lesson that I've truly internalized in life, it's that you can't bring anything new into your life without making room for it by releasing what's already there.

That may be the most difficult part for me: I'm pretty much where I wanted to be in life. But it's a giant Jenga tower: at any time, something could bring it all crashing down if I remove it, but I'm not sure which block will cause the catastrophe. So I keep everything as close to the way it is as I possibly can.

Hell. Probably I need to see a shrink again, although the last one wasn't all that helpful with his "you know, most guys would give their left nut to be where you are right now." Yeah, thanks, I know that; but that doesn't mean there's no room for improvement.