Complex Numbers

So it Begins

What is your opinion of New Year’s Resolutions? Do you make them? Do you keep them?

I think I've made my opinion quite clear.

It's a very human desire, I think, to be able to start over, to forget the mistakes and failures of the past and, in the words of Hester Prynne, "begin all anew." Or something like that. I haven't read The Scarlet Letter since high school. That quote is about the only thing I remember from it, except for the idea that we can't really start over, that our mistakes follow us until we die, and sometimes beyond.

Still, I'm not against self-improvement. I just tend to do it on a different time frame. My birthday, maybe, which is in February. Or, in the case of this - I mean, last - year, the solstice.

That's when I made a commitment to myself to work on my health issues. It's been nearly five years since my heart attack, and I've had some success eating better and exercising, but it's been sporadic.

I really, really need to lose weight. Not just because fatties get mocked, and not just because I don't fit into airplane seats anymore - no one fits into airplane seats anymore, except kids, and we don't need more of them on airplanes - but because I want to try to live a little longer and not get diabetes.

It's actually a minor miracle that I'm not diabetic as it is.

Anyway, so it wasn't a New Years resolution, but it was a solstice decision. I've been monitoring my calories and keeping them low, and walking more. I also didn't drink any booze. It's been working. I've lost weight. I did drink a glass of wine tonight; it is, after all, New Year's Eve.

The problem is, the solstice is very close to New Year's. This is a problem because now, everyone else is trying to do the same thing I am, and if there's anything I hate, it's following trends.

Worst part about it is, walking will only sustain me for a limited time. Eventually, if I manage to keep this up (absolutely unlikely), I'll need to go back to the gym. In January. When everyfuckingbody else is also doing the same thing.

That's why I usually wait until my birthday to make these decisions. By then, everyone else has failed, and I practically have the gym to myself.

Anyway, my hope is that this will also help with the depression. It has in the past, but then I fail, and I feel even worse because I've failed. I'll fail again, and I'll feel bad again. It's the circle of life. It will end when I'm dead. I'm just hoping that will be later rather than sooner.

Maybe writing this here will help keep me honest. I doubt it, but it's worth a try.