Charity Marie Blogs!

A Bad Day

I'm not sure I know how to really express what today was. A bad day that ended with me in tears. My husband went to get a pizza and came home with a job application for the pizza place he visited. And somehow that triggered some really unexpected things in me.

Three months ago I was working in a career for a law firm. I was successfully running a real estate business. Now, I'm putting in an application at a pizza place. Really? I have so much education and so much experience that it just feels... wrong. It's not that it's beneath me or there's anything wrong with the job itself but I didn't go through all the education I went through to work in a pizza shop. I haven't worked fast food since I was eighteen and I swore I never would again. Is this really what I have to do to survive? Is this really what my life has become?

Unfortunately, our life is so unstable that may be the only job that will consider me. If they don't consider me overqualified. I didn't get the job with Sprint and I'm not sure why. Even if I did get it, I'm not even sure how I'd work it. My husband had an issue tonight where he came close to falling. If it hadn't been for the door, he would have. His heart rate was 99 beats per minute. I live every day terrified he's going to die with no idea what I should do because no one cares or will listen to me.

I don't know how to get around feeling like a failure and a loser at the same time. I should be making $60,000 a year right now. But I can't because I have to take care of three people. Fifteen years ago was the time for this career, now I can't devote to it what I need to in order to succeed.

I hate where we are right now. I hate being broke. Feeling helpless and lost and alone and frustrated and so damn angry at life. I hate watching my family suffer. I wanted 2019 to be better but it's just same shit, different day. And after three months of that, I've just about had enough of it. Try as I might, I can't seem to change it. Try as I might, my positivity is slipping away from me a little more each day.

The only thing keeping me going right now is my writing. It's my escape, my solace, my distraction. That and my writing friends who are all so sweet. I love this community so much. So I keep writing. I've started sending out my resume for writing gigs in the hopes something pops up that will save me from the damn pizza store. I have to turn in the application tomorrow after driving my husband to Waco and I'm dreading it like a root canal.

Hopefully it's just temporary to get us back on our feet but I fear it becoming permanent, sucking me in like quicksand until I can't move.



Charity Marie
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