A Piece Of My Heart

Something about Public Speaking ... and other things too

An estimated 75% of people have glossophobia, which is a fear of public speaking. How comfortable are you speaking in public? Have you ever been in situations where you were forced to do public speaking? How did it go?

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Oooh, public speaking. If you had asked me this question just 3 or 4 years ago, I would have probably said it was my greatest fear. Now it ranks much lower on the fear scale, somewhere around nervous, but manageable. Let's see how I got here, shall we?

I was totally a shy kid. In grade school, I was taller and heavier than everyone in my class, which made me feel absolutely colossal. There's a picture of me at age 10 or so lined up next to two of my classmates when we received our "Perfect Attendance" certificates and I am a full head and a half taller than the boy on my left, and two heads taller than the girl on my right. A giant. Obese, I thought, even at that young age. There was a time in physical education class where we lined up and had to weigh ourselves one at a time and then tell the teacher out loud what the scale read. I was in the 5th grade, I think, and I weighed more than every other girl by a long shot, more than every boy, and as much as what everyone considered the "fat kid." (Michael was his name. I remember because in my shame I felt the need to tease him: "Michael, Michael, motorcycle!" It is foolish and nonsensical, something I'm ashamed of looking back, but at that time, I needed to do anything that would direct attention away from my massive, white, whale body.)

At the time, I could not understand this, but I was bigger than everyone in my class because I was Scandinavian. In Hawaii where I went to school, my classmates were Asian, Hawaiian, Portuguese, Filipino, and other pacific islander ethnicities. I was a different genetic make-up, which made me physically different from my classmates through no fault of my own. At that time, I did not understand this in the least, resulting in my thinking I was fat, fat, fat. On top of that, my eyesight was horrific so I wore thick glasses, and my teeth were a jumble, so I got braces early and wore them for nearly 4 years. My appearance screamed black sheep and did NOT fit in. All together, these insecurities with my appearance made speaking in public a nightmare. I wanted to sink into nothing, be nothing. I wanted to hide, and that feeling continues to persist to this day. I am overly aware of the space I take up and how to move so I don't accidentally knock into someone else or get in their personal space. But lest we get off-topic, let's get back to the topic of this post: public speaking.

My insecurities as a kid contributed to my fear of being in front of other people. It was not just public speaking, but I was afraid of doing anything where other people would be watching me or where I would draw unnecessary attention to myself: playing sports, raising my hand in class, walking across the stage to accept an award, coughing in a public place, going to the bathroom when other people could hear me. This fear nestled deep in my subconscious, and it's been hard to shake. But I did start off this entry by saying that public speaking is something I'm not as afraid of now as I was in the past, so how did that happen?

I still felt the fear of being the center of attention through most of college, but I think after I presented my final honors thesis in front of all the other Bio majors, it was the last hurdle and the time I finally let go of some of the fear I had held onto for so long. The way I said that might make you think my presentation was phenomenal, but the reality was that it was not. I had spent months and months preparing my presentation, my powerpoint, my speech, my outfit, but when I got to the podium to begin, all of my slides were fucked up (something to do with the moderator transferring them onto his computer from my flash drive). At that point, there was nothing I could do, so I gave the presentation I had practiced so long for, accompanied by the slides I knew looked horrible, and when it was over, everyone clapped just the same as they would have if everything was perfect, I received an A grade, and then it was over. In that moment, I recognized how pointless it was to harbor all that stress over presenting when things will go wrong anyway. That's something that has stuck with me ever since.

I speak in public all the time now for work. Less formal presentations, but a lot of presenting in meetings, giving lessons for students, and staffing booths at events where I speak with the public. I still feel the nerves, but those are normal and natural and a strong motivator to do a good job. But I am no longer petrified of speaking in public or being the center of attention. This might also have to do with the fact that I have grown into my body and am more adult in carrying myself. Part of that too is realizing that everyone is more concerned with how they look than with how you look.

I think the moral of the story is that public speaking is about having just the right dose of nerves to motivate your performance, mixed with the acknowledgement that no one, including yourself, is perfect. Mistakes happen, and that's okay - they're what make us human.