Confessions of a Cleaning Lady

My dive into bro culture

I clean a nutritional supplement store every Wednesday at eight AM. It's a pleasant gig, an hour and a half and no one else there to have to make conversation with.

Eventually, though, the owner arrives, usually as I'm wrapping up. He is, in fact, the husband of the kindergarten teacher, and he's a nice guy as nice guys go. He smiles a lot, and talks a lot.

It's pretty obvious we have zero things in common, but that's not a big deal. I have plenty of friends with whom I've got nothing in common. Usually, people have a concept of give and take when it comes to conversation and pleasantries, but oddly enough, the bro is deficient in this skill.

I say oddly because his wife is exceedingly adept at the art of socialization. It makes me wonder what kind of conversations they have amongst themselves in the privacy of their home.

It's not just me he talks over awkwardly, so I don't take it personally. I don't think he's trying to be sexist, although I'm pretty sure he kind of assumes a woman's place is looking pretty and having babies. (I've got the market CORNERED on both, btw ). He's an equal opportunity conversation dominator.

On top of that, I've noticed often the quality of his interactions are mediocre at best. He has a tendency to, as people say, "talk out of his ass". I've heard him spout some bulls*** about things he sounds like he's an expert at but I'm pretty sure he knows about as much as the rest of us.

Equestrian sports, archery, the American banking system (my personal favorite because it was me he was mansplaining to), why people puke when the try to chug milk in excess. I could go on and on. Really.

I don't think he does this to try to make himself seem smarter than everyone else, although I have my reservations about the banking system conversation. I think he does this because he's awkward and is trying to fill gaps in the conversation. I think he just can't be the one who lets the beach ball touch the ground, even if everyone else has gone home.

So my introduction to "bro culture" begins here. I've actually worked at a gym before, and even after ten years there I had never heard the level of douchebaggery that I've been privy to at the whey protein and supplement store. Really, it's quite astounding.

First lesson: Call everyone "man" at the end of every sentence, even if they're not a man. "Yeah, I know what you mean man." or, "Did you try the chocolate fudge, man?" or, "You look so ripped, have you been doin' cross fit, man?"

Second lesson: Liberally use the word "dude" in place of pronouns or proper names. "Dude goes to the gym, like, seven days a week!" or, "Dude's got some wicked pecs." You get the gist.

Ok, that's what I've picked up so far. I'll report back as I become more fluent. Man.


-TPB