Complex Numbers

Grilled

This week's theme is simple...you're having a backyard barbecue. For Monday's entry, what meats, side dishes, and beverages are you serving? Do you have a go-to dish you like to prepare?

I used to do the backyard-barbecue thing. Well, technically, it's a back deck barbecue thing; my backyard is 90% poison ivy and 10% snakes in the weeds. Yard work is, well, work, which I'm just as allergic to as I am to poison ivy. Plus, it's... outdoors [shudder].

But now, as a single man who's working on weight loss, my grill sits covered and neglected. At this point, there's probably spiders under there somewhere. I don't mind spiders, but I also don't want to put my hand into a web of the little fuckers. It's not worth it to mess with the grill for a mere 2-3 ounces of food; I could grill a bunch and stick the bulk in the fridge for later, but what's the point? Reheated grill food is crap.

Let's make one thing clear, though: when I did barbecue, it was definitely meat. Not zucchini. I hate zucchini. Well, that's not fair; I'll eat zucchini if it's properly prepared; at least I consider it food, unlike eggplant. Eggplant (that's aubergine for you folks across the pond) isn't actually food. It has a nice purple color, though. Apparently, it's a popular emoji. I don't understand why. I don't speak emoji. You know what's really good grilled, though? Asparagus. If you like asparagus. I used to have a special pan to hold it on the grill.

Anyway, meat. Before you go, "Well, no wonder you're trying to lose weight," understand that the problem with meat isn't the meat; it's the fat. I only ever liked lean meats. Plus bacon, and you have to basically do yoga to cook bacon properly on a grill, because the process is so convoluted.

So for grilling, I was always an old-school purist. Steak - preferably filet mignon (I have expensive tastes, in case you haven't noticed) - or chicken, minimally marinated, in small quantities. I've done burgers too, of course, but those little bastards like to fall through the grill slats; they're a pain in the ass. For the side, well, corn of course (that's maize for you Brits - this language barrier is a pain in the arse, too).

As for drinks, well, beer, of course. And not the horse piss they sell by the case at convenience stores, either. I'd go to one of our many local breweries or taphouses and fill a growler or five with whatever interesting brew they have available. Or, well, wine will do, also.

Really, teetotalers, gluten-freeks, and people with veganism or other eating disorders might not appreciate my barbecues.