Complex Numbers

Procyon Lotor

What's the worst part of cleaning up after a big outdoor barbecue?

The annoying sound of crickets when I look for someone to help me do so.

You know, crickets? Because all my "friends" are gone and my voice is echoing in the vast empty nothingness, but crickets don't echo; they just chirp annoyingly.

I already said "annoying," I know, but that's to underscore my point.

Anyway, I don't like to clean. I mean, I don't think many people do, but they do it anyway because they feel shamed into doing so. Not me. I'm shameless. I do have to make sure there's no food or scraps lying around outside, because then I get trash pandas.

But I get trash pandas anyway. One evening, I was out on my deck playing a game on my laptop (I don't mind being outdoors so much at night, provided it's warm enough) when I stepped inside to relieve myself. I mean, sure, I thought about just going off the deck, but even I have my limits. Anyway, in the 30 seconds or so that I was gone, raccoons happened.

I came back from the bathroom to find that a trash panda had pulled the screen door open, slunk inside, and commenced scarfing down my cats' dry food.

I looked at the raccoon. He looked at me. He laughed. No, really, I swear, he just fucking laughed at me. Then he took another big bite of kibble and darted out the door.

One of these days I'm going to fix the latch on that door. Not that doing so would stop a raccoon.


(not mine but it conveys the idea)