Complex Numbers

Honesty

PROMPT January 15th

Write your entry today about commitment. Committing to an activity, craft, person, way of being, etc. Consider the concepts of diligence, honesty, and responsibility. What does commitment look like to you?

The inside of a padded cell.

I mean, really, English? Using the same word for these two concepts? "I was committed" has two possible meanings, distinguishable only in context.

As with being confined to the room with the plush walls, though, the other kind of commitment can be stifling - depending, I think, on whether you choose it or not.

If you've been following along, you might get the idea that I'm afraid of commitment. And you wouldn't be entirely wrong. We should be afraid of it. It should instill a mighty fear, one that would keep us from entering into covenants without due thought and consideration.

I do fear having commitment thrust upon me without my full consent - because I take it seriously, and will do everything in my meager power to fulfill one.

"But you've been divorced twice, Waltz!" Yeah... her idea both times. I wanted to keep my commitments.

It's true I didn't want to have kids, but I chose partners accordingly. One of them went on to have one anyway. Good kid. Nothing at all like his deadbeat dad who wouldn't recognize an obligation if it hit him upside the head. Her choice, though. If I'd had that responsibility handed to me, I'd have done whatever I could to be a good father. It's just that I didn't want to be a father, so instead of spreading my seed around like a firehose, I took precautions. That's also responsibility.

I wish I could say that I've always done everything I promised I'd do, but I'm far from perfect; I've slipped. But I try to do so. Promises to myself fall by the wayside faster than promises to other people; like anyone, I've failed at following through on goals. But when there's another person involved, I do my best to be diligent.

So I choose my commitments carefully. That's not avoidance; that's just knowing my limitations. I can take care of cats just fine, but I'd grow to resent the constant demands on my time that dogs represent. Hell, I can't even keep a houseplant alive. Seriously. No matter what I do, they always wither and die. And I spent my childhood growing vegetables on a farm. I once decided to get an oregano plant, because I put oregano on a lot of things and fresh is better than dried. It took two days before it was brown, brittle and droopy. Yes, I did water it.

Don't ever trust me with a houseplant is what I'm saying. I have a black thumb. Somehow I manage to do okay by my cats, though.

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you