Porthole

Dial the Diamond Princess and reserve me a room.

I commented on the blog of ⭐Princette♥PengthuluWrites (her mother lives far away and has an ulcer):

"My mother is 97; she lives near where I grew up, where my sister still lives, in a town I can't emotionally visit.

I can't die yet. It would kill her. That said, I live alone (no spouse, no dog) with 42 steps. If I get ill and then they send me home (possibly too early) there is no one. Yet, I'm sure someone will help me.

Sounds awful but this has been on my mind, sorry.

Enjoy Rhay. Enjoy your pet crabs. Call your mother and send her my love."

Not exactly a cheerful comment. Should I have sent it? I'm not the type of perky person who starts singing happy songs to drown out sorrow. I wallow in it, cry until the well-of-tears runs dry.

She has a mother. She's concerned. I have a mother. I'm concerned (but mostly about me; at age 97 my mother has outlived herself!).

Like this poem... do I cry for myself?

"Spring and Fall"

         for a young child

Márgarét, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you wíll weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrow’s spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

The poet Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889) was a dreary individual. We share much in common.

So... yeah the coronavirus has me shaken. One way to approach it is to avoid close contact with people.

My reality:

1. I live in two rooms by myself (a plus unless I need help) with shared toilets and showers (fine, but a minus when there's illness).
2. When I travel I stay in hostels with shared dormitories (a definite negative) with shared toilets and showers (a minus like at home).

I'm vulnerable either way.

If I get ill at home or abroad how do I isolate myself? I think I'd be safer in a place like Taiwan... but elsewhere? And here? They're going to put me up in a hotel room or hospital room/ward?

Dial the Diamond Princess and reserve me a room.

So... I'm on edge. My nerves are shot. I need to call Delta and I can't... but must. I want to cancel, delay, shorten or in some way revise my 9 week trip to Europe. My fears of being ill with nowhere to stay or nowhere I can afford or being caught on the wrong side of a border aren't totally unfounded. Years of survival ... my alarms are going off.

Plus I just sneezed. (No problem, I'm not sick. I'm fine, but every small ache and pain becomes magnified beyond its meaning)

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