One of These Days

A Hermit I am.

Prompt: Do you like being alone or do you like being around people?



Mostly alone, but I do like being around people I enjoy. I will have a good time, but it drains me. I am such a hermit and it doesn't help that Mathew is one as well, so unless it's us going out together, we often stay in. There are times where I'll go and visit a friend or obviously when I go back to NY and I visit and see family. Family I will exclude from this, I mean they are people, but it's different and I can't even explain to you how it is. Maybe in the same way I am with Mathew. Not that it isn't nice when I'm off during the week and he's off at work and I get the place to myself. Maybe because I have that, it balances it out? I don't know. I don't see my family a whole lot, pretty much the same when I lived in NY. Most of my family lived a couple of hours away, so usually holidays and birthdays caused us to get together.

Anyway, I've always been a hermit with a small circle of friends, most of which didn't connect or circle around to the same people. How I was in high school too. I never belonged to a specific group or clique of people. I always wished to have a best friend. I've had some close friends, some that I've shared things with, but never someone I could share everything with. My mom was probably the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had. We were so similar in personality that I never had to explain myself or my reasonings because she understood. We're both incredibly shy, awkward, and hate being around people with those small few exceptions and family of course.

My dad was the complete and utter opposite. He talked to people he didn't know, in the store, for hours. Thankfully, when I turned twelve, I got to stay home when he went out to shop. My younger sister loved it and went with him. So at an early age, I got to experience being alone and I was always pretty mature for my age, so my parents let me be home. I knew how to feed myself (sandwiches and grilled cheese! or leftovers always) and I wasn't an idiot with the phone or letting people in.

For me, it was and continues to be peaceful. Sometimes people can overwhelm me and it doesn't help that I have to "people" for my job and that's 40 hours a week. I get tired just from dealing with people and even more recently with the whole Covid-19 and people losing their minds. So it's even more precious to me now, when I'm home and have the ability to unwind and relax.

And it's conflicting for me too because when I enjoy hanging out with people, I love being out and with them and always wonder why I am the way I am. And yet every time someone wants to, my brain tries to find ways to wiggle out of it or make excuses. Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes it's not at first, but when the day comes. It's incredibly frustrating sometimes and often annoying. Some days I wish I had no friends and other days I wish I had more.

My brain is often an idiot.