Complex Numbers

One True Pizza

Beer should count as food.

PROMPT July 26th

What food would you like to judge in a Cook-Off?

I'd say "sushi," but that would negate the "cook" part of "Cook-Off."

I think the classic cook-off food is chili. There are so many ways to make it, and so many possible ingredients, that there is no One True Chili. I find the argument about whether beans should go into chili or not hilarious. Because food snobbery should only be applied to pizza.

The chili argument apparently goes back to the Mexican origins of the dish: originally, it was a beef stew with chili peppers and without beans of any sort. But if you're going to make the "origination" argument, you have a lot to answer for; few dishes remain static over generations. Food evolves over time, with different cooking and preservation methods. Hell, originally, they didn't put hops in beer; that was a later innovation that both improved the flavor (up to a point) and acted as a preservative. Nowadays, beer is defined as "water, malt, yeast, hops and maybe adjuncts."

So an argument could be made that adding beans to chili is a major innovation that improved the stuff, and the beanless variety should be consigned to the ash heap of history.

Except, of course, as a hot dog topping.

My personal chili recipe involves ghost pepper sauce, because it can. And beans. And tomatoes, another controversial ingredient. I haven't made it in a while, because when I do make it, it tends to disappear quickly, and then reappear around my waist, which is something I've been trying to avoid.

But let's get back to pizza, the world's most perfect food. I've spent my life on a quest for the perfect pizza, and while I've come close, nothing has ever jumped out at me as "perfect." I do have a couple of hills to die on as regards pizza, though.

1. The One True Pizza will be New York style; that crap they call "pizza" in Chicago can be decent food, but it is not pizza.
2. Avocado has no place on or near pizza.

Given the above, you may be surprised to learn that I stay out of "pineapple as a topping" arguments with pizza. Hawaiian style pizza isn't my favorite, but I'll eat it if I'm hungry enough. Shocking news: people like different things.

But, like with chili, there's a lot of room for diversity in pizza. Still, I never will understand the barbarians who don't eat the outer crust of an otherwise good pie. The kind of dough used on pizza should be a kind that could work on its own as bread. The crust is not, as some would have it, merely a delivery system for the toppings; the crust is the heart and the soul of the pizza, and needs to be respected as such.

So, given all this, I'd totally judge a pizza cook-off, the only problem being that there's just no way I could eat just one bite of the competitors. I mean, maybe I could, but then when I picked a winner I'd insist on eating the rest of the pie and, well, see above about my waist.

But at the same time, I'd be judging the other judges. If I see someone wax poetic about avocado pizza, I'd reject every other opinion they have. Similarly, if someone eats everything but the crust, I'll know it's safe to dismiss their rankings out of hand. And if the competitors include deep-dish Chicago style casserole, I wouldn't even need to taste them. I mean, like I said, it can be tasty, but I reject with prejudice the assertion that it has anything in common with real pizza.

Maybe one day I'll finally find the perfect pizza. Just not outside the northeastern US.

Mini-Contest results!

I appreciated all of the comments, though as I feared, they just made me miss traveling more.

Lilli 🧿 ☕ - Can we take a boat from Key West to New Orleans? I'd love to go the Gulf route.

Starlena - Yay! You get me! I call that nefarious beast the Accursed Daystar, and while it seems to be necessary for the warmth I require, it's best if I stay out of its direct influence. Also, I'd totally go to Greece.

Satuawany - Texas is a great place to visit (especially for the chili and beer), and I do like RenFaires. Camping, though? *shudder*

Cappucine - Je voudrais vraiment visiter la France, et je veux boire du vin et manger des baguettes et du fromage, et je veux voir les cathédrales... but hey, Australia sounds good too.

Sumojo - (speaking of Oz), now, I've been to Britain, but I'm always up for a return trip, especially if there's ale involved.

Turkey DrumStik - Yeah, it probably would be cheating, because we already had plans to meet up -- which I still want to do, but not with a raging pandemic going on. Patio beer doesn't count as an outdoor activity if there's shade.

Alexi - Honestly, I've never even considered the Canaries, but you make it sound inviting. Except for all of the time you want to spend in the gaze of the accursed daystar. Still... it sounds like it might actually be worth lathering up with sunscreen to do all that fun stuff.

Pumpkin Spice Sox - I try to keep poo-flinging in political arguments. Which you don't see monkeys doing. They're definitely more civilized than the children at the zoo.

Prosperous Snow celebrating - Oddly enough, there are two places I go if I want to have food I've never tasted before, and one of them is your hometown. The other is New York City -- though there, I'm usually too busy trying to find the perfect pizza.

Like I said, lots of good suggestions, and I'd be willing to do all of them (yes, even the outdoors ones, provided I can pack bugspray and sunscreen)... but I gotta give the Merit Badge to Starlena this time, because like you said: outdoors shit is overrated.

But I'll do something like this again soon so everyone will have another chance! Thanks again for commenting, everyone.