Indelible

A Profound Sense of Loss

[originally posted in "A Profound Sense of Loss" ]

I had a dream in which I was hospitalized with an unknown affliction. The doctor overseeing my case walked into the room and performed a cursory exam. Then, out of the blue, he asked me if I was partriotic. I said, "Um...yeah." He then turned to the nurse and said, "Those who pass the test give a three word answer.", which I somehow knew was, "Yes, I am." I can't remember what happened from there, but I remember waking up feeling disturbed.

Thing is, I've been pretty disillusioned with the notion of patriotism for a long time. I became aware of it after 9/11, but it's been festering since before that point. I can't say for sure when it exactly began. Part of me thinks it's been fermenting since eighth grade, but there isn't a whole lot in my surviving paper journals that supports that theory. Likewise, any memories I may have from that time are somewhat nebulous. However, I do remember for sure the feeling bubbling up in high school. One of the places I visited on my band trip to D.C. ten years ago was Arlington National Cemetery. When we were there, we witnessed the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. While many in my group were moved by the experience, I was bored out of my skull and didn't get what the fuss was about. Yes, I understand I missed the point. You have to consider that my family does not have a strong military background. In fact, there are only three people total (on both sides) that even served in the armed forces, and only Opi ever saw combat. To add to that, he actually served for the Dutch Army, not the U.S. The other two (D.K. and my cousin Ainsley) just got stationed at various U.S. bases but never went to the front line. So at least from my family I don't have a strong notion of service for the country. If anything, I inherited a strong sense of apathy (and perhaps the unspoken expectation that I'd be among those in the family that would go to college).

The thing is, this wound has had everything from salt to antifreeze rubbed/poured into it for the last eight years or so. Whenever I'm at a public event, there's usually some sort of public acknowledgement of armed forces veterans in attendance. I both support this and am irritated by it. Let me see if I can explain. I understand supporting the troops. I really do. They have an extremely tough job, and the battle scars (physical and mental) are very difficult to heal. Either way, they deserve unfettered access to medical care, discounts and generous benefits. Likewise, they need our mental/emotional support. This all makes sense, and I'm okay with it. The messages between the lines are what get under my skin, and this is where I'll probably stop making sense. When I hear these public acknowledgements, I always feel a notion of condescension from the announcer, especially if they use the phrase "Freedom isn't free". I know it is a phrase with military origin. Still, I feel it's much more than that. When I saw that quote on the Korean Ware Memorial (on the same trip), I actually interpreted it as a call to civilians to preserve our constitutional rights. To me, it was a call to fight censorship; make sure that responsible gun ownership was encouraged; that all punishments for crimes be administered with a cool head; and other thoughts that boiled down to making sure every American had a thorough understanding of the heart of our laws. It took me several years to learn how most people interpret that quote. So when I hear that at public events, I feel as if the announcer/military supporters/etc. look down on anyone who has an atypical view of that line. Even if that line isn't uttered, I feel like the acknowledgements are more "Support our troops or else!" than anything in nature. I don't appreciate that attitude and find it offensive. Don't tell me what kind of attitude I should have regarding the military! The more you tell me to stand behind them, the more I want to tell you where you can shove that mindset. Words kind of fail me in trying to articulate the mix of annoyance, anger and spite I feel about this. They really do.

All of this makes me wonder exactly how I feel about this country. I'm here because mi amor is here, and he's the one that convinced me to stay after the 2004 presidential election so I could try to fix things. The question is do I feel that this country is worth fixing? Once upon a time I believed so. Nowadays...I don't know. I have cynics on the left and militants to the right. Both sides' antics have chipped away at my soul, and I feel like one more strike of the chisel and hammer will render what's left to dust. There are the existential questions in the national psyche of how broken we are or even if we need saving (as depending on who you ask the status quo is just fine). Having felt something was amiss since middle school, I'm starting to wonder if this is all in my head. Granted, I've met other people who share (or at least understand) my apprehension. Even so, I know it's a fine line between legitimate concern and all consuming delusion. Because of all this energy drain, I find myself not only hard pressed for answers regarding my feelings toward the United States but also not sure if I want them. All I know is it is not the greatest country in the world. We may have quite a bit of legal freedom, but something has to compensate for our social rigidity and hypocrisy. Our nation is one that seems to get off on cultural isolation and oppression. I don't exactly enjoy living in a country where I can legally opt to not hold religious beliefs yet could be harassed for it in a law-abiding way because the society has it in for non-believers. And much like the Communist witch hunt in the 50s, there's always a possibility that the government could decide that a private stunt of that sort for ferreting out atheists would be okay. I don't know. When I still held a belief in God, I loved this country. Now I feel like a stranger in my own house since I gave up religion. My dad fought so hard to become a citizen, and now I find my love for this place leaving me bit by bit. It leaves because people mock my desire to try to improve things (at best) or outright call my plans foolhardy. There is no encouragement for reform, which I think is just as much a part of American ingenuity as Boeing's engineering feats. I want to have hope for this country, and maybe this ponderation of my patriotism is a sign that it still exists. I'm just concerned at how far I had to dig to find it. Perhaps that should be a bigger concern for me.