Complex Numbers

The Purge

Rage forthcoming...

https://www.domino.com/content/things-you-home-doesnt-need/

30 Things Your Home Doesn’t Really Need
Let it go, let it go…

The title is bad enough without introducing a Frozen reference. I don't have kids and I've only seen that movie once, but it made me understand why people are so short-tempered these days, even before the pandemic.

There are plenty of things we hold onto for good reason.

Such as my incandescent rage at "decluttering" advice articles.

While we aren’t here to push a hyper-minimalist agenda, we do believe every object in your home should serve a distinct purpose or, at the very least, brighten your day a little.

You're not my supervisor!

The ominous cloud of plastic bags under the sink

I'll have you know I either reuse plastic bags as trashbags, or bring them to the grocery store for recycling. As I have groceries delivered, this is usually a separate trip for me. (I walk there, so don't give me shit about wasting gas to recycle.) Whether the bags actually get recycled or not once I leave them in the designated bin at the store is Not My Problem. Point is, I don't have a plastic bag issue.

All those spices that are past their prime

I am convinced that 99% of decluttering advice exists for the sole purpose of encouraging people to Buy More Stuff because once you throw something out, you don't have it anymore, and then when you need it, you have to buy more. The entire purpose of having dried spices is their long shelf life.

The microwave—the stove or oven does the job just as well (if not better) without hogging counter space

You can just truck right off with that bullshit. First of all, my microwave is up under the cabinets, not taking up counter space at all. Second, while there are certainly things that are better off not being microwaved (such as leftover pizza or steak), if I need boiling water I'd damn sure rather nuke it for two minutes than wait the interminable amount of time it takes for it to boil on the stove. And finally, normally this is where I'd just stop reading, but no, I can't turn my eyes away from trainwrecks.

The logo-heavy cups and shot glasses from your college days

That way you can Buy More Stuff.

Stemmed wineglasses (simple drinking glasses work for water, juice, and vino)

Bite my ass.

The top sheet, unless you really love to bundle up

That way, you don't have anything between your sweaty thighs and the blanket, so you have to wash the blanket more often, which wears it out quicker, so you then have to Buy More Stuff.

The shack of books you’re done reading (donate them to a used-book store—or pass along to a fellow bibliophile)

Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass GO...

The obscene amount of decorative pillows you purchased during your boho phase

I don't have decorative pillows. I'm a man. Also, what in the name of Inanna's tits is a "boho phase?" Do you mean "bohemian?" That shit went out with the sixties, and this article is clearly not aimed at 70-year-olds.

Every hotel toiletry you’ve ever stolen

Those little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash? Those are meant to be taken. Also, I leave them in my travel kit and only replace then when they're empty. And if you're stealing anything else from a hotel, screw you for making my lodging expenses higher than they need to be.

Sad towels with holes or makeup stains

Because then you have to go out and Buy More Stuff to use for cleaning rags.

Expired medications, makeup, and sunscreen (yes, they all have expiration dates!)

...even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Unless it's a digital clock, in which case it's never right. This article is a stopped analog clock.

The dead plants you keep trying to revive

I know better than to bring plants into the house. They immediately realize that they're living with me, and, seeing no other means of escape, commit suicide.

A china cabinet (repurpose your plates as wall art instead!)

My china cabinet was old when I was a kid. I inherited it. Besides, it's in storage for now. Also, people who use plates as wall art are the kinds of people I avoid hanging out with.

The dead batteries rolling around in your desk drawer

Uh huh. You're not supposed to throw batteries in the trash. Recycling won't take them. There is no place to drop them off. Honestly? Sometimes I throw them in the trash while walking by and whistling innocently. Look, it's still less of an asshole move than stealing from goddamned hotel rooms.

Supplies for the creative projects you’re going to pick back up “someday”

That way, when you do get around to it, you'll have to Buy More Stuff!

Obviously, I didn't copy all of the stupid advice here. The microwave one is especially infuriating, but the others have their own special blend of inflammatory herbs and spices.

This article reminded me of a tumblr I used to subscribe to, one which, sadly, is no longer being updated. But I found it again and it's still glorious. (Don't go here if repeated F-words offend you.) https://fuckyournoguchicoffeetable.tumblr.com/

Okay, look, I admit to being a clutterbug. It's a tendency I have to wrestle with. But I don't think the answer is to go all the way in the opposite direction. Could I use a bit of a purge right now? Sure. Am I too lazy to actually do it? Absolutely. But keep your rotten, filthy, COVID-infested hands off of my microwave, books, files, tools, and craft supplies. Especially the microwave.