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Tuesday, Oct. 1, 2024

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Break the Cycle

by Elisa: Middle Aged Stik

Rated: GC · Book · Personal · #1054703

before it gets too out of hand.

I see clouds reflecting off my lenses....

For me, anger has been an issue since the earliest days of my adolescence. Managing it has never been a top priority, though. As a result, I have paid dearly for the consequences of my most potent emotion. By the time I reached the age of 18, however, I decided to get it under control. This attempt resulted in failure, though, and my anger has continued to flourish to an extent. Turth is, though, this can't go on any longer, as my anger has become internally self-destructive, resulting in crippling internal stress that has robbed me of my energy and is pushing me back into the depths of depression. If I don't get a grip, I may likely be dead before I turn thirty, either by suicide or cardiopulmonary disease.

When I look at my anger, though, I can't imagine myself without it. It has been my muse on several occassions, and on some days, it's been my main reason to get out of bed. I have been enjoying feeding off the euphoria of anger-provoked revenge for the past few years, and it's about as addictive as cocaine. How do I break free from this vicious circular thinking and make things right in my life for once? That's what I hope to find out through my scribblings here.

This particular blog won't be updated daily or perhaps even weekly. It will be updated when I feel the need to discuss how this journey is progressing or regressing. All I ask is you keep an open mind with this journal. One thing I can admit right off the bat is preaching to me sets me off something fierce. If you try to preach to me in any way, I will not make any progress. I appreciate support, but remember that I'm the one who must make the choice to accept your advice. This is up to me and only me. I'm the one who must break the cycle.

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

Lynn McKenzie

Jul 1, 2009 at 5:33am
In response to "Trigger: The site (yet again)"

Be happy in yellow. You look a lot sunnier. Beats being blue about not being blue.

Thomas

Jun 22, 2009 at 3:07pm
In response to "Trigger: The site (yet again)"

Well, if it's not working for you, there's no reason continuing. Good luck!

Steev the Friction Wizurd

Apr 18, 2009 at 11:12am
In response to "Other: A Look into the Future"

You don't have to give up your anger cold turkey. Just declare particular days to be "anger free". On those days you will not get angry about ANYTHING, not even stuff that should make you angry. Then the next day go back to your usual patterns. Who knows what insights you might get from that?

I don't know because I have the opposite problem from you. I was taught to never show anger when I was a child and have internalized that somehow. Fortunately, there seem to be very few occasions in my life when anger is useful, so I don't miss it except when one of those occasions arises.

You are right that anger and the desire for revenge are great motivating forces, but they aren't the only ones. The desire to improve in some way can be a great motivator for some people. Hell, just the desire to make more money keeps a lot of people going.

Curiosity is a good motivator. Like scientists and explorers and scholars. Also love is a good motivator, like a parent that sacrifices everything for a child. And sex, like Don Juan and Casanova and Hugh Heffner.

No reason you can't have a mixture of motivators with anger just being one of them. Too much of anything can be sickening, even chocolate. I loved it so much as a kid that I sat down and ate over a pound of chocolate candy once. When I vomited it back up I had to rethink my love affair with chocolate.

Good luck with the anger thing.

Thomas

Mar 9, 2009 at 11:47am
In response to "Other: A Look into the Future"

I know what it's like to take on more than I can handle so maybe cutting back will help you regain some equilibrium. Good luck with the therapist too. I went to one last year for a few months and she helped me a lot.

Steev the Friction Wizurd

Jun 12, 2008 at 7:14am
In response to "Trigger/Factor: Seasonal stuff"

Have you considered getting drunk at a Honky Tonk and picking a fight with three truck drivers?

Or perhaps join a gang of 15-year-olds who are planning to spend the evening videotaping themselves trashing vacant houses? Not only do you get to smash all the plumbing fixtures in a suburban mansion but you might get lucky with one of the boys. A night of alcohol, sex, and violence can relieve most of your stress for at least a couple of days.

Tigger thinks of Prancer

Jan 10, 2008 at 5:48pm
In response to "Progress...sorta: Nice work if you can get it"

That would have been amazing!

Paige Turner

Dec 28, 2007 at 6:19pm
In response to "Factor: Perfectionism"

At the risk of sounding "preachy" I think there's a difference between perfection and excellence. And excellence is more reasonable to expect since nobody, absolutely nobody, is perfect.

It also seems common that the harder we are on ourselves, the harder we are on other people. For me, a little gentler self-acceptance helps in the long run. I'll try to be the best I can, but I won't be perfect. It's not possible.

Having lived with someone with an explosive temper, I know how very hard that can be. He saw no real need to even try to change himself, though. And he's still not very happy. (And I'm not there anymore). I think iyou may be on to something seeing your "blowing up" as a kind of addiction. That's certainly something that can only be worked on 'one day at a time.' Good luck!!!

Mavis Moog

Oct 20, 2007 at 6:35am
In response to "Other: Why I'm Here"

That explains everything. Good job. Keep up the good work.

Mavis Moog

Oct 17, 2007 at 8:33am
In response to "Factor/Obstacle: A new way of looking at anger"

Completely agree with you, kittiara.

I don't hear the goss either. Just how I like it.

As far as my Mod duties are concerned, they consist mainly of running my contest, reviewing, and trying to answer queries from members who ask me direct questions. That way I don't have to see any nonsense about stuff I'm not interested in.

Mavis Moog

Oct 17, 2007 at 8:27am
In response to "Trigger/Obstacle: The entire year of 2007 Thus Far"

Somehow, I miss the bitching.....is that because it's all about me

?

Maybe it's because I don't do IM or message forums. I find them *whisper* a little dull *end whisper.*

I've never tried anger management; other than other people's anger - I've tried managing that alright, on a needs-must basis. My own anger is like my farts - smells of flowers and sounds like fairy bells.

#42. Trigger: The site (yet again)
ID #655563 entered on June 21, 2009 at 2:34pm

#41. Other: A Look into the Future
ID #639558 entered on March 9, 2009 at 11:36am

#40. Obstacle: A Setback
ID #629433 entered on January 13, 2009 at 12:42pm

#39. Progress: A choice
ID #607738 entered on September 18, 2008 at 12:17pm

#38. Obstacle...? A look into the human mind
ID #602751 entered on August 19, 2008 at 12:43pm

#37. Trigger/Factor: Seasonal stuff
ID #576903 entered on April 1, 2008 at 12:22pm

#36. Obstacle: Site shenanigans
ID #559951 entered on January 9, 2008 at 1:09pm

#35. Progress...sorta: Nice work if you can get it
ID #557549 entered on December 28, 2007 at 2:45pm

#34. Factor: Perfectionism
ID #555858 entered on December 18, 2007 at 2:52pm

#33. Progress?:A move and an experiment
ID #553975 entered on December 8, 2007 at 1:48am

#32. Other: Why I'm Here
ID #542974 entered on October 19, 2007 at 11:08pm

#31. Factor/Obstacle: A new way of looking at anger
ID #523581 entered on July 25, 2007 at 12:39am

#30. Other: Conglomeration
ID #519556 entered on July 7, 2007 at 12:23am

#29. Trigger/Obstacle: The entire year of 2007 Thus Far
ID #502308 entered on April 17, 2007 at 2:38pm

#28. Trigger: Site drama
ID #486202 entered on February 6, 2007 at 7:09pm

#27. Factor: Location
ID #483834 entered on January 26, 2007 at 8:57pm

#26. Factor: Indolence
ID #483125 entered on January 23, 2007 at 11:29am

#25. Factor/Progress: Stik's Anger Year in Review
ID #478002 entered on December 31, 2006 at 12:27am

#24. Progress: Online Stress Relief
ID #476212 entered on December 20, 2006 at 11:49am

#23. Trigger: Injustice
ID #462695 entered on October 19, 2006 at 3:46pm

#22. Trigger: Prejudice
ID #459787 entered on October 6, 2006 at 10:31pm

#21. Factor: Mood swings
ID #454982 entered on September 15, 2006 at 5:58pm

#20. Obstacle: Isolation
ID #449493 entered on August 20, 2006 at 9:38pm

#19. Factor/Obstacle: Depression
ID #446650 entered on August 9, 2006 at 12:34am

#18. Trigger/Factor: Cattiness
ID #435170 entered on June 21, 2006 at 1:10pm

#17. Factor: Other women
ID #433020 entered on June 12, 2006 at 9:57pm

#16. Obstacle: Motivation
ID #427656 entered on May 22, 2006 at 11:23pm

#15. Trigger: Other People's Emotions
ID #413811 entered on March 18, 2006 at 11:24pm

#14. Progress: Testing the Waters
ID #410317 entered on March 3, 2006 at 2:12am

#13. Trigger: Frustration
ID #408131 entered on February 20, 2006 at 6:32pm

#12. Trigger: Mixed Emotions
ID #407076 entered on February 15, 2006 at 10:27pm

#11. Trigger: the female sex
ID #405785 entered on February 10, 2006 at 12:27am

#10. Obstacle: Identity Crisis
ID #404470 entered on February 4, 2006 at 12:44am

#9. Factor: Family
ID #403179 entered on January 30, 2006 at 2:12am

#8. Trigger: Secondhand Knowledge Acquisition
ID #401236 entered on January 22, 2006 at 12:27am

#7. Factor: Co-Workers
ID #400195 entered on January 18, 2006 at 1:48am

#6. Progress/Factor: Driving
ID #399945 entered on January 17, 2006 at 12:28am

#5. Effect: Headaches
ID #398966 entered on January 12, 2006 at 10:45pm

#4. Factor: Past Abuses
ID #398510 entered on January 11, 2006 at 12:44am

#3. Factor: Annoyance
ID #397901 entered on January 8, 2006 at 10:14pm

#2. Trigger: Arrogance
ID #397603 entered on January 7, 2006 at 7:32pm

#1. Trigger: Ignorance
ID #397320 entered on January 8, 2006 at 12:50pm

© Copyright 2009 Elisa: Middle Aged Stik (UN: soledad_moon at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Elisa: Middle Aged Stik has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

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