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A place where all the voices in my head can talk to each other |
| A place where all the voices in my head can talk to each other |
| Today I wanted to strangle my boss only once. He is a great boss, but the world's worst procrastinator, even worse than myself, and I end up working on his presentations pretty much round the clock. I actually don't mind that much, I like gathering and presenting data, but I would like to get a bit earlier warning than a few hours. Four more days to go. Plus I get to OD on tv, which is quite decadent since I don't own one, now I get to watch all these bad movies and my brain can take a break. I also passed my three-week mark of sobriety, and I have to admit that I am having a hard time with it, especially this week with all the stress and the activities that require hob-nobbing with scientists, and it seems like that especially demands alcohol. So far I've been able to stave it off, and I hope my strength will continue to be with me - wish me luck. |
| I have been making steady progress for the past three days, knock on wood it will continue. Next week will be spent on a business trip, which sounds like the oldest excuse in the book, and I will have to see how I'll fare. Maybe next week will be spent on my portfolio here at WDC - I know it feels neglected. But so far - two weeks' sobriety and three days' writing. Small, important victories. |
| Today marks two weeks of sobriety. My head feels clear, and my body is thinking about a mutiny. Yesterday I actually wrote for about half an hour, and boy did it feel good - I'm aiming to do the same today. I'm listening to music again, I think the constant visualization was too much, to frightening. I've been in this world for over three decades and I still sound like a kid. I feel like one, too, it's like I'm connecting with the world for the first time - you know the way you used to feel like when you were a young child and everything was new? Exactly like that. I'll give you an update on how today turned out. Later. |
| It has been awhile - again. I received a great comment from another wdc member - thank you!! It was such a great nudge to see someone else say what I am thinking, and realize that not only am I transparent, but also that something's gotta give. I am on the road to recovery. Two weeks ago I had a near breakdown - I had been drinking steadily for about a week and a half, and all of a sudden my mind got tired of holding on and simply let go. I can't blame her, it must have been frustrating to try to keep the fragments together, and I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did. And all this time I was going to work, pretending to be ok, and to be honest,I can't even really remember those few weeks. I've been drinking pretty much steadily ever since I was 14, and alcoholism runs in my family. I have tried quitting twice before, but never had a support system in place before attempting to become sober. This time I have this great guy who is very supportive, and a close friend who's been going to AA for years - so my chances are much better off the start. WIsh me luck. I've had some bad withdrawals and I'm nearing my second week of sobriety, so it should get physically easier. I quit smoking six years ago, and I figured I should be able to do this, too. talk to y'all soon! |
| Yeah, so, I like my job but it's killing me. I don't een keep track of my hours, just plunge myself into what I need to do 110% and am such a busy little bee that it makes me want to puke. The thing is, I DO like what I do. I just don't have time or energy for anything else. In the evenings all I want to do is sleep. And when Friday rolls around, I'm as good as dead. No brain activity, no oomph, nothing. I hate it. So I love that, which causes me to hate the way I feel. Smart, eh? It has even caused me to wonder about my writing. Obviously I'm not that committed, right? If I were, I would drag myself to the computer night after night and hack away at it, right? If anyone out there has any ideas what to do, I would very much like to hear them. Not writing shrivels up my soul, and putting food on the table shrivels up my energy. ARGH! |
| So I finished the 15 for 15 contest, I posted an entry ever single day, and I'm so proud of myself! But, like I told myself, now I don't have any excuses for not to write every day. Why is it supposedly so hard, not to sit down and at least half an hour continue from where you left off yesterday? It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't even need to make any sense, but for goodness' sake, at least keep the gears oiled and in good shape! I didn't even feel that creative or that motivated every day either, but at least I produced something every day. Yeah, here I sit and sound righteous, and do I follow my own advice? Nope, uh-huh, won't even keep my blog up-to-date! Oh well, I can only hope this has been the much needed kick in the arse to get me moving. We'll see - join me for more (either self-recriminations or slef-congratulations) at the same bat time, on the same bat station! |
| Despite of all the reminders, I haven't "found the time" to write in my blog. No excuses, just good ol' procrastination and avoidance. And fright. I did enter the 15 for 15 contest, though, which was one of the toughest things I've ever done. It forces me to write, and I've had a major block for a few years now - this exercise will allow me to get those rusted gears running again. I haven't been able to even look at the other entries, I know it would wreak havoc on my new-found fragile confidence - silly, I know. I should trust myself and the process more, but it has been a long time. I also began a story called "House" - it came out of nowhere, and I have no idea where it is going. At least I'm doing it, another thing for which I can pat myself on the back. How insecure I sound! It will get better, I know. It just takes time. And we all do have time, it is just how we use it that makes the difference. Now I only have to practice what I preach.. Keep the faith! |
| Weeks just fly by nowadays, the speed of time accelerates exponentially the older one gets. Not that I consider myself old - my adage is, if you're in double digits you're fine, when you start getting into triple digits, *then* you can call yourself old! It's finally spring in these parts, usually I like rain and gray but enough is enough. Sun is so rejuvenating after such a long gray period, I was beginning to wonder if I was even alive anymore. It all seemed like an alternate reality, a world without color, underwater bubble where fish were disguised as people - only their blank eyes remained the same. Deep sea world where no light can penetrate. I plan to kick myself in the butt and truly write this weekend. I have let mundane interfere with my passion, and it shows. I have put on weight and I'm drinking more - true signs of unhappiness. I drive myself to the ground with work and am dead tired when I get home - true sign of insanity. It has to change. I know writing is what I want to do, what I *have to* do, otherwise I'm miserable and so is everyone I touch. And when I write, I usualy produce something at least fairly decent - so why is finding the motivation so damn hard? Anyone have a magic formula? If there was one, it would be sold in bottles at a big price, and all of us suckaz would queue up to spend our last pennies on it. Wish me courage. An afterthought - I realized how my 'self' is so much stronger when I write, when I'm not listening to myself I am easily influenced by outside forces and become fractured. Oh what injustice the world dumps on me.. remember we all create our own experience.. |
| I've decided not to try to cut myself off sugar. I can quit caffeine, I quit nicotine six years ago, but sugar - no dice. I don't care what people say, if I don't get my daily fix I become homicidal - could this have some connection to my Monday morning hardships - and people flee screaming. Working with exceptionally catty people today. Usually I can either let it go or partake (hey, I'm a female after all) but today it's really getting on my nerves. Maybe I should have more sugar. No, seriously, it is strange how my day-to-day state of mind fluctuates so much. I don't have menopause that I'm aware of, nor other hormonal imbalances that I could blame this on. |
| Who isn't familiar with Garfield and his dislike for Mondays? Usually I subscribe to those sentiments, but for some reason, this morning was different. I don't know whether it was the smell of spring or the sunshine, but for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like crap while driving to work. I was even humming! I've recently come back from a long trip - combined business and vacation - and am still trying to get myself in synch with this part of the world. I have been tired, irritable, depressed, and I think I'm beginning to get back to normal. The whole humming thing scares me a bit, though - I better not overdo this getting back to normal or otherwise I'll freak myself out. Never mind it would be more enjoyable for those around me, having me in a good mood and being nice for a change, I couldn't stand it. No, seriously. I think spring is turning me into a Pollyanna. How horrid. Must..resist.. |
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*Pets Ruby and gives her a BIG hug* Here Ruby, I brought some of those treats with me and we should detour home that way too because there are lots left to gobble up. 
LOL J/K 