This uses the second song chart of the 100 song challenge.
Three young men have just come of age in a dangerous world.
Their kingdom has been slowly rotting from within as corruption and unrest grow to uncontrollable levels, robbing the queen of most of her power and the people of most of their freedom. Nearby nations are unfriendly, and one has been making steady raids into their kingdom for the past few months. In its current state, rather than uniting the lords with a common enemy, now these incursions serve only to provide scapegoats to the various factions within the ruling classes.
These three young men have just reached the crossroads of their life, and of their kingdom. So their stories begin...
Hmm, perhaps you're going for an omniscient viewpoint? Otherwise, that very last line won't work.
I like this. Trying to do good, and just making it worse. Makes Trayl an interesting character. I believe the sword's scabbard is spelled sheath, but I could be wrong.
Last nitpick--promise. This sentence:
The tall blond stopped moving, then flung his cloak aside and throwing his sheathe at the man holding the shopkeeper, striking him in the forehead and sending him to the ground with a cry.
I think it's a little too long and complicated. I could dissect what you said, but then, I'm a pretty patient reader. It's up to you, I just think you could split it into two sentences and still get the point across.
Otherwise, I like it and want to read more. So, get to posting.
Still good. Short and sweet. In book version, I think you might want to lengthen your chapters a little, but that is IMHO. I've seen a few one-page chapters in other book, such as Dean Koontz, for impact. So it's totally up to you. :)
Well...that was definitely provocative. Enough to keep me reading, and I despise prologues.
Oh, and hi lol
I did have a nitpick for you--paragraph 5 and 6 are the only ones in presente tense. All the rest in past. Did you mean to switch tenses midstream? Otherwise, 'tis good. Moving on to the next piece.
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