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This is just a journal of my thoughts.. Read if you wish. |
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Dear me, Hello, well today was a day of both depression and happiness. How does that happen? Well..I first had to work my first 8 hour shift and it was quite awful. People all over the place just buying a bunch of useless crap..(but I cant judge them to much). My depression has also been quite high. I don't know why...I took my pills like a good child today. I don't know why I am feeling sad today...I should be happy...I should never really have a reason to be this sad. *sigh* Yet, I feel as if everything in the world is wrong with me. I have wanted to take one of my razors and just slice that nice piece of un-scared flesh. I can't though..I just cant. Yes, I could hide it from everyone, but I would know what I did. I would know I broke my promise to nearly everybody..Why should I have to promise them anything? Its my life..they just mind their own business. Okay..that might be a terrible thing to say but oh well. Sometimes I wish I never told anyone about my depression and my cutting and anxiety. I would ve handled it just fine. Man I am such a liar... I wish I could just admit to the fact that I need help to my therapist..they need to know the whole truth but they cant..I am not taking their advice because I know it wont work. I keep constantly blocking them out of my mind just so I won't have to hear the truth. I like being in my world. Nothing really goes wrong in my mind. I have a whole nother fantasy in there. I look how I want to look, I feel how I want to feel. I am just the perfect Bri. That Bri cannot exist with this filthy thing currently. I guess I should stop pitying myself and actually do something worth living. I am losing a bit of weight which is good. Not eating really does help.. Well I wont stop eating because I tried that and that just failed so much that I laughed at myself. Well..I guess I better get to reading or something. -Bri |
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