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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here, I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| Some days are more challenging than others, as you all are very aware of. For me, this has intensified with my diagnosis of cancer, treatment, and recovery rates. Knowing there's only a 35% probability that I can beat this creates a dark shadow that is never too far away. But, I try and focus on being one of those 35 out of a hundred, I do my best to chase the dark clouds away through positive thinking and all the blessings in life. But still, some days are more challenging. For example, I haven't seen the sunshine in a week now, and that in itself is depressing. Also, the days are short, with less than nine hours of sunshine a day this time of year. I do my best to counter the darkness, but it's depressing in itself. I was also friends with all four neighbors who live around me. Cliff lived on the north side but moved over a year ago. His health was failing, and it was too much for him and his wife to keep their place up. He moved into an apartment closer to his children, who could help out. Another friend who lived just south of me also moved a couple of hours away because of problems he had with our new landlord; he was the source of the problem, and he could be difficult at times, but he was still a friend. The other neighbor to the south of me (it's two apartments) died earlier this month. I watched them carry him out in a body bag. To the west was another friend who moved after Christmas. He, like me, was introverted and kept to himself most of the time, but we talked at least once a week. He moved down to the Twin Cities to live with his son. Being an introvert and somewhat new to this area, we moved here in 2020 during the pandemic, I don't have many friends. I was a bit surprised by how quickly Steve and I became friends, and in helping Brian out, we also developed a friendship. Cliff was friendly, and we talked often, while Randy kind of did his own thing most of the time. But when I'd sit out with the dogs, he'd come over and visit. He worked part-time at Amor Pork and would bring over a pack of bacon or smoked pork chops. He got them for free when they were close to expiring. He's the one who got us a great deal on a whole pork. Other than these four people, my wife, and our dogs, I don't really have any other friends, and in just a few months, I lost four of them. Sure, we keep in touch over the phone, but it's not the same as visiting and having coffee, or going out fishing, or working on projects together. Today I had a video conference with some people from palliative care who are supposed to be making things easier for me as I recover from chemo and try to get on with my life. Unfortunately, the person I was talking to didn't seem to listen to what I was asking or talking to her about. Instead, she continued to focus on the probability of my cancer returning and how I want to spend my last days, who to care for me, if I want to die at home or in a care facility, etc. After an hour of listening to her and the gloom and doom of dying from cancer, I'm having a difficult time clearing that dark cloud away, and it's not helping that my wife's at work and I don't have anyone to talk to until she gets home. For now, I'll talk to Max. He's always good about talking back to me, even if I don't understand Husky. Bellah is right beside me and trying to get me to throw a toy for her every chance she gets; she doesn't understand that throwing her toy makes her happy, not me, but that's an Australian Shepard's reasoning. For now, I'm thinking about dinner and hopefully can get the thoughts running through my head quieted down. |
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