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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| This depends on, or that depends on.... We've all heard this or something similar. But it also depends on the type of depends we are using. It can mean "be controlled or determined by". Similarly, it can also mean, "turn on or hang on" as well as, "be contingent on; be conditional on; be dependent on; and all, etc... as the list of meanings and uses goes on and on. But that's not the depends we are talking about, although some of the meanings could be associated with the type of depends I'm talking about. The depends I speak of are adult diapers or undergarments for people who have lost some or all control of bodily discharges. Now, why am I speaking of Depends? It started last night after I retired to bed and then again today while driving back from my wife's therapy session. Last night we returned home from shopping late, so supper was also late. The last few days have found me feeling nauseous after eating, and last night was no different, and soon after I finished, I needed to take my anti-nausea meds. I have two types, one dissolves on the tongue and works great, but I can only take two of them a day, and I had already taken both. The other type is a small pill that works for about twelve hours, but it makes me tired and dizzy. So, shortly after taking one of these, I found myself heading to bed. Around one-thirty this morning, I woke with stomach cramps and the need to get to the bathroom real quick. I made it, but just barely, as the chemo also has me suffering from diarrhea for the last few days. After I returned to bed and before I fell back to sleep, I found myself thinking about the chance that I didn't get out of bed quickly enough; should I invest in some bed pads just in case? I soon fell back to sleep and didn't think about it again until today. My wife dropped her car off at our mechanics to get the oil changed, winterized, and the snow tires put on. I drove the Yukon in with the dogs riding with, to give her a ride home. After we got home, she made pancakes and sausage for breakfast, we ate, then it was time for her to go to physical therapy. Since she didn't have her car, and since it's a nice sunny day, we (me and the dogs) decided we would give her a ride. After we took the scenic route home, stopping in Ottertail for some milk, then continued on home. But before we got to Ottertail, my stomach began to churn, and I knew I'd have to run to a bathroom soon. The problem is, my digestive system is so torn up from the chemo, I don't know for sure if or when I have to go, until I'm actually going. Sometimes I'm barely in time, other times it's like I'm sitting here for no other reason than it's better safe than sorry. Anyway, today I used the bathroom in the store just to be safe, but after a few minutes I understood that it wasn't time yet. So, we got our milk and a bottle of brandy (strictly for medicinal reasons) Then drove home. By the time we arrived, I was barely able to make it into the house and to the bathroom in time. Had I been afflicted with diarrhea like I was last night, I would have never made it. So, again, the question arises: should I get a package of Depends just to be safe when I'm away from home and a bathroom? When I'm at home, I'm fine, I can get to the can in time. But what if I'm out shopping and the bathroom is in use? What if we are out driving and it hits? I have one week until my next and last chemo infusion. I know from experience that the next week will show some slight improvements in how I feel, but not in my digestive issues or how often I need to use the bathroom. Then the last infusion, but also it will be the worst, as each infusion leaves me sicker and weaker than the previous. So, it will be at least two or three weeks after the last session before I can even begin to recover and start feeling better, and likely another month or more before I can even think about not having to stay within minutes of a bathroom. Pride tells me I'm not ready to depend on Depends, but common sense (which is now uncommon) tells me it's better to play it safe than to suffer an accident. I wish I knew how much worse this is going to get before it starts to get better. Like the neuropathy, my digestive problems will continue to get worse for a while, even after the last chemo session, but unfortunately, no one is telling me how long things will continue to get worse. They can't because everyone is different. So, now I contemplate, do I depend on my ability to get to the bathroom, or do I get some Depends just in case I can't depend on getting to the bathroom in time? |
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As always, I'm praying for you and sending wishes for a peaceful recovery in time for the new year!
