<a class="proll" href="https://shop.Writing.Com/main/books/item_id/2034524-Fragments-of-Being">Fragments of Being

Feb 18, 2023 at 12:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Woah... I actually really like it. The end is 3specially good.

Feb 17, 2023 at 2:22am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

What was that line before? I actually stumbled a bit over the "number part" line.

I understand the intention though.

I feel this one, Char. I can't tell you how many of these convos I have. I can't stand it.

I thought the opening was stronger than the final part, but that's much your style.

On a side note, I'd consider swapping 'spitting' and 'crumbling', as "taste of pressure" would feel more natural if followed by "spitting" I think. Or something like... 'choking, spitting..' perhaps, since spitting also flows better into the next line.

Feb 17, 2023 at 12:50am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

100% not shocked!

Feb 17, 2023 at 12:47am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

True. I actually turned it into a different line--but I might just go back to the original and see what I can do.

Feb 16, 2023 at 9:19pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Reading this back now, I think you might be right about the third stanza, Elle - on hiatus

. So nice to have another set of eyes to catch things like that. Thanks!

Feb 16, 2023 at 9:17pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I started with the born to scatter part on this one.

Feb 16, 2023 at 9:16pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Thanks for reading Anni Pon

! I usually try to put emphasis on the opener, probably because it's usually the line the rest of the poem is built around most of the time for me.

Feb 16, 2023 at 9:14pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Please steal away Cinn

. It wouldn't be the first time we've been inspired by lines in each other's poems

Elle - on hiatus

Feb 16, 2023 at 8:58pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Ooh, I really like the last stanza. It felt like it had power.

I struggled with the second stanza on my first read-through, but it made more sense to me the second time round.

I feel like maybe the third stanza would be stronger if you took out the first line and started it with 'I was just another in the number part' instead.