A new year, a new blog, same mess of a writer. |
It's been a while, but since the world is a mess, I might as well take a crack at this writing thing again. ![]() I Write in 2019 ▼ 12 Stories in 12 Months ▼ |
Date: 01.22.18 -- Day 75 Music: "After The Storm" / Kali Uchis featuring Tyler, the Creator and Bootsy Collins I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past couple of days. It's got that old school funk, cruising around in the afternoon kind of feel. But more than that, there's this tough love kind of message that I needed, I think. Both blunt and encouraging. Both sympathetic and realistic. Life is rough. Everyone is going through something. So the only person who you can depend on is you. Yet, if we all do that, just try to get through the tough times to save ourselves, and lend that compassionate understanding to others, maybe things won't be so hard. Kind like the airplane philosophy of putting on your own air mask first before assisting others. If one is kind to themselves, then that kindness will stretch to the people around them. This past weekend has been a life lesson in fiascoes where this song comes to mind. Because of the depth of my mother's illnesses, most of the medical and household items needed for the house are bought online. There's only so much I can do by bus or taxi (and because of my medical conditions, I'm not a good candidate for driving - another story for another time). Amazon, though horrible in many instances, has been a staple for us for some time. So we receive a ton of deliveries each week. There's enough cardboard in my apartment to open a postal supply store, I kid you not. I'm sure my neighbors have some fun theories on what actually we are receiving on a regular basis. It's a thing. Unfortunately, things can get mixed up in transit. We seemingly "lost" three packages, two containing medical supplies, sometime on Thursday although the tracking number said that the packages had been delivered to our parcel box. This situation caused a bit of a pickle given that we cannot report it "lost in transit" to Amazon because tracking numbers don't lie. Well, they can, but the current system is treated as almost infallible. So there were numerous phone calls to our local USPS branch over the past several days. Teeth-grinding phone calls. A solid chunk of that listening to elevator muzac as people went from department to department.It wasn't just about the lost money if the packages just were lost to space and time. The medical supplies were needed in a situation where the status went for soon to really soon approaching desperate with each passing day. Miraculously, the packages arrived today, which was weird, because technically we're still in the phone tag phase when they magically appeared in our box this afternoon. I'm just happy they're here. The whole situation was frustrating for everyone, and I think that can easily get lost in the mire of issues that popped up. From my family's perspective, it was about the money we spent that would essentially be gone, replacing the medical supplies again with some urgency, and ultimately, can we trust the delivery system again since we were given five different responses and no clear idea on what actually happened. USPS and my family are in a relationship where the power dynamic sits almost exclusively in their hands. However, and this is a big one, I can also imagine that things were not great on the other end of the delivery snafu. Postal workers of all stripes and companies have complex, demanding jobs that often go without anyone expressing gratitude. They must handle hundreds of thousands of packages every day while contending with things like transportation, delivery guarantees, weather conditions, human error, etc. Like anything involving more than two steps, there is great potential for everything to go wrong, even when there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. That's just the law of big numbers. So while we're angry and frustrated and anxious, so are they. Everyone has bad days. Out of all the things that went well, here was this problem with no clear answer and hundreds of moving parts. In truth, I think the carrier was having an off day, things fell through the cracks, and the packages were misplaced. It happens. But in that moment, all there seems to be is disaster. As I hope this situation has come to a close, I am reminded that life is a rough road. It's good to remember that everyone is having difficulties. While one can really only depend on themselves, it's good to remember that kindness and understanding can go a long way in making those treacherous journeys a little less daunting. So I have a "thank you" note to write to my carrier. And a little prayer that whatever may be happening for them lessens as time passes. We are alone, together. I don't know why, but I find comfort in that. |
Date: 01.15.18 -- Day 73 Music: "Linger" (Acoustic) & "Zombie" (Live) / The Cranberries Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries has suddenly died. The Cranberries have meant a lot to me throughout the years. They were a staple in my teens, shaping me in my early adulthood. Her voice, in particular, was so unique and haunting. Every song, no matter if it was about love or war, was felt it in your gut. I cannot believe she's gone. |
Date: 01.07.18 -- Day 72 Music: "No Peace In Quiet" / Delta Rae The scent of coffee seems to have permeated my clothes and my skin. I've been haunting so many coffee shops this past week, in two different countries no less, that there's a good chance I am slowly becoming a coffee bean. The nature of tutoring and counseling makes coffee shops to best alternative to having an office, simply for the fact that most tutoring sessions go beyond academia. Libraries just don't have that kind of atmosphere for those conversations. (It's my way of helping to keep libraries quiet zones for students and visitors; loud conversations in libraries have always been one of my irrational pet peeves.) This has been a difficult quarter, and the quarter has barely begun. In some ways, Winter Quarter is the hardest of quarters because there isn't that rush of summer break being around the corner like in Spring or the drive to start anew like there is in Fall. Winter is that harsh middle ground. The nights are long and cold and damp. The sound of one's heart beats louder because winter only brings silence. There are a great many inner journeys happening, a search of warmth perhaps, whether people are really ready for that kind of trek or not. Truths are harsh and glaring like the gleam of light off the surface of a frozen, icy lake. Too harsh sometimes. I cannot blame my students for feeling it because I feel it too. It's a trick of the light from a winter sun - so desperately wanted, but at the same time, only an fraction of its true strength. The hard part about this job is walking the line between friend and tutor. Each of my students is also my friend. We were friends before the tutoring happened in most cases, or we became friends after tutoring led to talking about personal issues. And each of them has different needs. Some need to a no-nonsense older sister while others need the fun, odd aunt who teaches around the subject for them to really understand the information. I adapt to them instead of each of them adapting to me. I started out the other way, but it wasn't successful as the moment they started to struggle, they either gave up entirely or tutoring sessions were just another chore they put off as often as they could. By adapting to them, everyone won and succeeded. It's simply finding the right time to code-switch. Sometimes I forget to switch over, but luckily we all seem to have come away from the experience unscathed or they don't notice, lol. But it's sessions like today where I wonder if my student got what they needed from me. We were set to tutor as she preps for the beginning of her quarter, but the dark season has gotten to her. While she's not one to say it, 2017 was a difficult year for her, including a car accident that caused a lot more lasting damage than she initially thought. She's unsure and feeling down about life and herself, and that is leading her to make impulsive decisions. It became obvious that the personal needed to happen before the academic as one was impeding the other. Thinking back about it, I'm not sure I made the switch as well as I should have. She needed a friend, but I was sterner than I usually am with friends. Idk if that's winter invading me too or if that's just me now. We left on a good note as I think my tone actually helped her cut through of the messiness of her current situation, but I cannot help but wonder if it was the right thing as a friend. That pesky line. There are other things I should be writing, other things I should be focused on, but I cannot thinking back through my past week, remembering every coffee cup I nearly burned my hand on and the sharp scent that seems to cling to me, following me home even in my off time. I cannot help but wonder if I'm handling things as I should. The doubt they feel, I feel as well. That deep and buried seed of self-loathing, I recognize that festering emotion within myself. That idea that it would be better to just stop and hide in a hole somewhere, but having too much responsibility to ever actually do that. Maybe it's that I've exceeded the amount of coffee I can have for a week threefold, but there is this feeling of despair in the chilled daylight. A kind of despair that feels catching. Now more than ever I realize that sometimes all we have are words against the invading cold. So to anyone who reads this, please know, you are enough. Right here, in this moment, you are enough. No matter the life you've led before this moment or the life you will lead after it; you are enough. Please stay warm out there. |