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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| This is a bitch blog. I'm not happy right now. Deal with it. Just because I work retail that doesn't mean you own me. When you walk into my store and treat me like shit, don't expect me to just lie down and take it because my company 'makes me'. My company doesn't care. Just because I work retail it doesn't mean that I'm a) stupid or b) a highschool dropout. I work retail because it puts me through college. Most of the people I know who work retail do so to either put themselves through college, or because they want to save up some money for college, or simply because it's what they enjoy. Very very few high school dropouts get into retail jobs anymore - in fact, when I review applications, the first people weeded out are the highschool dropouts. Usually... unless everything else looks good (I've got nothing against high school dropouts - both my parents were dropouts and they've done pretty damn good by themselves.) Just because I work retail that doesn't mean you can treat me like shit. I work very hard, day in and day out, just so you and people like you can buy the various little things they want. I don't come to your job and treat you like shit, now do I? I don't think you should do it to me then. Just because I work retail that doesn't make you better than me. In fact, I think that since YOU (the person who pissed me off and likely won't be reading this, as they've never seen me other than in my job...) clearly have no idea what basic human decency is that I'm actually better than you. I don't blatantly lie to someone in an attempt to make them feel bad. I don't yell, I don't scream, and I don't call them a "stupid bitch" just because I accidentally purchased the wrong thing. The fact that you have to feel justified in making a simple return, to the point of lying, yelling and swearing, means that you are a bad person. You're rotten on the inside. Oh, and to all of those bastard kids out there who find it funny that I was crying tonight at work FUCK YOU. If I see you dying on the street, I'll make sure to point and laugh. I learned tonight that there are people in this world whose sole purpose is to die. They're not here to make anyone's lives richer, to make people happy, or to even genrally just be decent people. They're here to be miserable and spread that misery and then die. And I hope they do die. I used to always try to maintain the hope that at heart people just simply are good, even if just a little. That if they saw someone obviously hurting they would at the very least pause in their own thoughts for a second to wish that person would feel better. Certainly not pause to point and laugh at their obvious distress. I thought that at the very least people would try very hard NOT to make a random retail sales associate cry. And I don't cry easily over these things. This fucking cunt called me a "Stupid bitch" and said that "You fucking ripped me off and probably laughed while doing it" and then got pissed when I tried to credit the coupon she used on the purchase so that she'd get the same amount back that she'd spent, instead of the amount that it would have been without the coupon. FUCK YOU BITCH. If I ever get to the point where I pull shit like that (and btw, I didn't lie to her, and I didn't rip her off and she didn't even talk to me and was trying to claim that I told her stuff that wasn't true about the glasses - when she wouldn't even let me help her and then just picked a pair without asking ANY questions) I hope someone shoots me in the head. Right now I'm hoping that that cunt is dying in a ditch somewhere because her SUV crashed and no one has seen the wreckage to help her out. I hope she dies painfully and slowly and without anyone there to comfort her. And once she's dead I hope she goes directly to hell, or gets reincarnated in to a body that doesn't have the intelligence to pass high school and thus she has to work retail the rest of her life dealing with all the crap customers like herself. I really wish I could still have faith in humans, but clearly that's just not ment to be. Every time I start thinking that maybe they are ok after all, shit like this happens and I realize that no matter how good we may be afterall, no species where a segment of the population exists simply to make everyone else's life worse before they die, can be perfect. ~~Sarah |
| It's amazing how all the shit hits the fan as soon as a Regional manager leaves town for vacation. My poor manager has come down with a case of "randomly blacking out" and has been out all week... with no RM to contact to help us out. YAY for me not getting any sleep b/c I got to cover all Joe's shifts... ~~Sarah |
| You're looking at the new Assistant manager of Cherry Creek Upstairs Sunglass Hut. I'm so psyched!!! Yay promotions! That's all. Now the emails will stop for a week :D ~~Sarah |
| ... of music. So for the past few months I hadn't found a single band whose CD I wanted to buy, much less borrow, much less download for free. Is that sad? Well, for me it is, because usually I have a list about 100 long of CD's I want/ MUST HAVE. Well, I'm up to 2 CD's I "MUST HAVE" now. I guess that's midly reassuring. Or bad. Because usually I like music when it is a catharsis because life is shit. So I'm wondering if the resurgance of music I like is because life is becoming shit again. Which it could be, but I've gotten so good at ignoring life that I'd be the last to know if it was shit. Wow, I just used "shit" like 3 sentences in a row. FUCK. LOL! I don't know what to think about life anymore. I blog now to avoid the "OMG YOU HAVE TO UPDATE YOUR BLOG FUCKER!" emails I get. So basically stuff pours out of me and I can't stop it. It's like a festering wound when you poke it with something sharp and pointy. It just spews and then closes up again... Or something like that. I guess thinking is like poking a festering wound with a sharp 'n pointy. Interesting. I wish things would quit reminding me that it's been 3 months since I talked to him. and I need to talk to him. at least part of me does. A bad bad part of me that I need to cut out with a sharp 'n pointy. But I'm not allowed to use sharp 'n pointies to cut stuff away from me anymore. So it festers... WOW, now I've really abused that analogy. moving on. So things keep popping up. Like the mall employee sale (last time I saw him I was passing out flyers for the last one). Or going into Barnes and Nobel for the first time since I ran into him there... Or organizing the folders on my computer. Or reading, or thinking, or just... life. And it's crazyness and it's crap. I'm starting to get sick of it's crap. and I know that that is becoming pretty typical of me, but it is crap and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything going exactly as I expect, because I always expect the worst but hope for the best. And the best never happens. But that's life, right? "That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have. " - Garden State Fuck shit damn. Ok, I think I have that out of my system now. So back to the music thing. I find myself catching onto bands for the songs all thier fans say suck. And then I like that song and thus am labled a poser or some shit like that. I dunno, my sister's all EMO now so I guess i can't trust her lableling, but that's what it is. Fucking Emo kids. It's just the new brainwashing for the kids who can't think for themselves. If you really want to be an individual, join the NERDS!!! We're cool that way. I don't know of any one nerd who does things or looks at life in the same way as any other nerd. That's because we actually DO think for ourselves. *gasp* dude, D&D kicks ass. ~~Sarah |
| ... because once a week writing.com sends me a "OMG YOU NEED TO UPDATE YOUR BLOG!!!!!" email. Sometimes music takes over my brain. it has been happening less frequently lately, and usually only occurs now when I'm listening to the radio at 1 in the morning, but one such song has managed to captivate me. I looked and found a place that streams it and am now obsessivly listening to it until I can get to the CD store to buy it tomorrow *when will they invent a 24-hour CD store??* The song? "Walking Dead" by Z-Trip (and that one guy from that one band...) About 3 years ago I wrote a story based on the question "if you were to die, and could speak at your own funeral, what would you say?" well, this song caught my attention because of it's first line - "Suppose you were to die tonight. What would you say?" The rest of the song just gets better from that line... and it's one of those haunting melody type songs. And i'm certainly feeling the haunting melody types right now. I'd physically harm someone to somehow get out to cali to see the dreaming live... well, that's my thoughts for the week. Oh, and batman begins is actually pretty good, so go see it (eventually, it's not head-explody you must rush to the theater good). Ok, g'night then. |
| I actually find this somewhat amusing. I was perusing the numerous pages of blogs that I have (years and years worth) and found these quotes which made me laugh and yet feel sad at the same time... "Don't pull me back again, Cody. You've said goodbye. You've said it countless times, and all you're ever going to do is say it again. I know you want me out of your life - now prove it. Take the strength upon yourself to actually walk away like you say you want to. Hell like you NEED to." - From 'he had to go and email me' posted on: 12/17/02 "it was his choice to end this, not mine. Hell, I'm even cool with being used as a punching bag... if that's what he needs, then whatever. I didn't turn my back on the friendship, he did - I still consider him a friend, and that is in all meanings of the word - I would go out of my way to help him... if only he would ask." - From 'Now then...' posted on: 01-20-03 " I can honestly say that Cody is the only person on this planet I would actually call my friend. Sure, I have Pam and Gaite - but they're more like sisters than anything else. There are times when I simply cannot go to them with problems, because I know they won't understand. I have always been able to go to Cody, I have always been able to lean on him. When most people were more concerned with using me as a pillar of support, Cody always gave me more than I gave him. I didn't really blame him when he said that I'd used him, because I had. I will never lose respect for him as a friend - he is the best friend I have had in my life, and he has continued to be such even through our problems. " - From 'Starting to think I have too much time on my hands' posted on: 01-27-03 And the cycle continues... *my brain is melting* G'night ~~Sarah |
| Nothing Ever... ... changes ... becomes what you want it to be ... goes away ... really touches my heart anymore Nothing is... ... ever the way you want it to be ... the same as how I see it in my head ... perfect No one ever... ... stays ... leaves my heart ... tries ... makes me feel like there's hope Sometimes I... ... wish that I could just dissapear ... wish that I could live in the world in my head ... think I might be going slightly crazy ... want to just scream These are just thoughts, don't over analyze... ~~sarah |
| So today was *just lovely* Started off with a lecture about (basically) how I don't do anything right around the house and blah blah blah. Then there's that 4 day long headache I've had. Still can't get it to go away. Don't know what's up with that. Today was day 7 of 15 days straight that I get to work... AND all of my friends up and decided to go and see the star wars movie for the second time without me... they very easily could have seen a 10 minute later showing and included me, but I guess that was too much effort. Thanks for sticking up for me in that argument Jeremy. That's all. With any fucking luck tomorrow will be a bit better. I'm not holidng out for it. I gotta wake up early so I can have all my chores done in time to go out to the other side of town so I can pick up a check for the club and make an apointment w/ my mom and dr. sitzman. Then it's back to work again. FUN. Lemme tell you. ~~Sarah |
| So someone freaked out at my dorian/elana post. big surprise... So the story continues in my head, only now it really has become the story of dorian/elana, not the story of (insert name here)/me. I'm starting to see the characters come to life in my head for once and I like them, they're good characters. I should write this story, but I know fiction will get confused for reality in the end no matter what I do. In other news, I said I wasn't going to get online tonight, but when I got home I wasn't really that tired. Dunno. Sorry. I find it interesting that I keep having weird dreams about being a mushroom. Yes, that's right, a mushroom. So if anyone can tell me what that is all about, I'd really appreciate it. I dunno, life is... life. I'm really starting to wonder what the point of it is, other than to keep plodding on and hope that eventually there will BE a point. I guess right now I've given up on the hope that things will ever make sense and i'm just living for the 'now' which naturally makes every single 'parent' figure in my life upset because they see me wasting away my life... fuck yeah! What's the point of sitting in a classroom all day just to go home to a miserable life in the hopes that "when you graduate you'll get a good job and be able to... blah... blah... blah" No, what I'll be able to do is sit behind a desk for the rest of my life pretending I'm having fun when all I'll really want is to be 20 again. Everyone in their 40's always say "ahh, to be 20... yay" and then they get pissed at me when I actually want to BE 20. I don't get it. I'm not wasting my life by living it. I'm enjoyng my life, and living my life to it's full potential. Fuck the system. I hate the Ogden Theater... fucking 6 ticket limit. Goddamn bastards. I'd burn them down if it weren't just mildly illegal. God knows I'll never see a show there again in this lifetime. " Why don't presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor?" - System of a Down, BYOB God that's an awesome song... 5 days... 5 days... Sometimes i wish I didn't have that moral code against illegal downloads... I want that CD so bad... but I refuse to exploit the musicians that way... For example, I COULD have a copy of NIN's new CD, but NOOO I refuse to listen to the illegal copy of it an insist on waiting until I can afford it legally. Well, I think that's a long enough post for now. Life is... lifelike and work is worklike and as far as the love life goes... it's going... I guess everything's ok for a few moments at least *waits patiently for the shit to hit the fan* bye for now! Sarah |
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