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 |  is paved with good intentions... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi, I'm Elle. I'm based in Auckland, New Zealand. I'm the mother of two young adults, the wife of an entrepreneurial gamer and the Queen of Unfinished Projects. This blog will contain poems, short stories, possibly photos and book reviews if you're lucky, and my thoughts on a variety of topics. Hope you enjoy it. |
| This is a repost from my offsite blog because apparently I never shared it here. I wanted to review some of the information Rhonda sent me about ADHD and how that relates to Jayden. (With comments from Rhonda after I sent this entry to her) I've known for a long time that Steve is ADHD, although he's not formally diagnosed. He works hard, but when he's forced to take vacation, he tends to get antsy and fidgety. That's when you tend to see the hyperactivity coming out in a constant need to move. On a day to day basis, when he's working you can't tell. He kind of gets rid of the hyperactivity by putting that energy into his work. He told me once that he'd taken Speed (the recreational drug) as a teenager and promptly gone to sleep for 12 hours. That's a classic sign of ADHD. Apparently caffeine making you sleep is another one, but I don't believe any of us have that. On the flip side, I've never noticed any signs of caffeine making any of us more alert or jittery either, even Caitie. Rhonda  : It’s NOT that caffeine makes you sleepy it’s just that if we are tired, we can sleep in spite of high intake of caffeine or other stimulantsCaitie also displays what I consider 'classic' symptoms of ADHD, and always has. She's very fidgety and struggles to sit still. She talks a mile a minute and often talks to herself if there's no one else to talk to. We used to joke that when she was forced to be quiet, her 'motor' would turn off and she'd go to sleep. She was always going at warp speed or she was asleep, there was no inbetween. Rhonda : Yup pretty classic!So the idea that Jayden or I could have ADHD is a strange one. We're both (comparatively) quiet people who like to read and spend hours engrossed in a book or similar. Apart from Jayden, I'm the laziest person I know! If we can sit still and read for hours, how can we possibly be ADHD? That doesn't make sense! Does it? Well, Rhonda explained that you have to take out those parts where you're doing something that completely engrosses you, and evaluate the rest. So that's reading for both of us, and for Jayden, gaming. Apparently it's typical of a person to display atypical signs (e.g. the ability to be engrossed) when they're doing something they have a passion for or high level of interest in. She also said I had to discount coping mechanisms I've put in place as an adult. Rhonda : when you are so engrossed it’s actually an ADHD symptom called hyper focus. problem is we don’t get to choose what lights up the pleasure Center of our brain which is the trigger to hyper focus, so it can’t be utilized even when we desperately want to be able to hyper focus ...that’s not the criteria!So, with that in mind, I reviewed the list of symptoms for Inattentive ADHD with Steve yesterday. Note that I'm only looking at Inattentive ADHD which is 'a subtype of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often manifests as limited attention span, distractibility, forgetfulness, or procrastination.' This means that on the spectrum of ADHD, this is further away from the hyperactivity end and closer to the attention deficit end. Rhonda : Like so many medical diagnosis attention deficit is a misnomer we actually have too much attention we pay attention to everything hence our distractibility!1. Careless mistakes. 'A child with inattentive ADHD may rush through a quiz, missing questions he knows the answers to or skipping whole sections in his haste. An adult may fail to carefully proofread a document or email at work, drawing unwanted attention and embarrassment. If you tell yourself to slow down and pay attention, but find it mentally painful and physically uncomfortable to do so, this may be a sign of inattentive ADHD. Your brain is aching to jump to the next thing, and ultimately you just have to give in.' I don't feel like this describes me. I'm quite methodical and detail-oriented, and I don't feel like I have a tendency to skip ahead. I do speed read, but I'm also an excellent proofreader.  Rhonda : Elle, I suspect that you’re methodical in areas that light up your pleasure centre and you can hyper focus on but are you that way across the board??I do feel like this describes Jayden in a number of ways. As soon as I mentioned this to Steve, he said 'Yes!' Steve often feels like Jayden is skipping ahead because 'Jayden knows best' or because he doesn't listen carefully enough to instructions or because he thinks the instructions are unnecessary. We see this particularly with household chores, like doing the dishes. He'll just skip steps meaning the job is only half done by the time he's finished.  Rhonda : Yup, we also have a getter done attitude rush through to check it off as done without any attention to the quality of done. On the other hand if it falls into our hyper focus super power aka what I call our zone of genius we are meticulous just like your proof reading, the trick is to find a career path that is varied, is an area that allows for our zone of genius to shine, (people with adhd tend to have high IQ) so we can shine. Many people with adhd who are not entrepreneurs are in the art and entertainment world, innovators or they work in ER’s, paramedics, police, fire ... same job every day but never boring same old same old..Plus we are born risk takers!2. Short attention span. 'Unfinished classwork, half-done art projects, and incomplete reading assignments are all hallmark signs of attention problems in students. Adults with inattentive ADHD despise boring work meetings 10 times more than their colleagues, and need to be chewing gum, sipping coffee, or even standing during meetings in order to sustain their attention throughout. If you are consistently frustrated by your inability to make it through long documents, stay focused in meetings, and see projects through to completion, that could be a sign.' The half-finished classwork, half-done projects and incomplete assignments are all me. Always have been. The only year I had trouble at school was 6th form (when I was 16) and that's because we didn't have any exams - I had to pass based on the completed assignments I did, and I never completed my assignments.  I'm quite a patient person, so long meetings don't bother me, but I do have a tendency to zone out and daydream if I'm not interested. I also have an old habit of jiggling my leg when forced to sit still for long periods, which used to drive my mother crazy. I also tend to click my pen on and off during meetings which drives colleagues crazy, and I used to doodle in class at school. Actually, I remember my mother used to tell me off for swaying when I was forced to stand still, often asking me if I needed to go to the toilet. After I had Jayden, I was delighted to realised that it was 'socially acceptable' to sway with a baby in your arms.  I also have trouble staying still when I go to bed. I'm constantly wriggling and rearranging myself as I wait to fall asleep. Drives Steve mental. Jayden always had real trouble finishing assignments and classwork unless he was really interested in it and then he finished in half the expected time (usually while in class). I haven't noticed whether he fidgets, but he definitely zones out and daydreams, something his teachers commented on often. Rhonda : Yup yup yup3. Poor listening skills. 'Students with inattentive ADHD typically get about half the instructions relayed to them verbally - if that. Their notebooks are filled with more doodles than notes, and they may need to record and listen back to lectures several times to absorb all of the information. Adults don't do well at cocktail parties. They interrupt others' stories with their own anecdotes, never remember names, and zone out about halfway through every conversation. If you're constantly being asked, "Weren't you listening?" or "Why am I wasting my breath?", that could be a sign of inattentive ADHD.' Oh god, yes. I have terrible listening skills. That's why I don't watch TV. If we watch TV or a movie, I'm constantly saying to Steve "What did they say?" Or I'll ask a question and he'll be "They just explained that."  I was awful at taking notes as a student, but thankfully I learned well by reading. And yes, I tended to have more doodles than notes. And yes, I'm fucking awful at remembering people's names. And yes, I zone out during conversations. I used to be ashamed of zoning out when my kids were chattering away when they were really little and telling me about their day after school. BUT...I do have a tendency to get frustrated with people if they go off on a tangent when I'm trying to steer a conversation in a certain direction. Like in a meeting, I can be good at steering everyone back to the topic at hand to get a decision and move on to the next point. A couple of weeks ago at work, I was talking about something and Peter kept going off on tangents and I'd keep bringing the conversation back around. My boss said 'You'd make a good lawyer, always keep the conversation on track.' But it's not because I don't go off on tangents. Anyone who has read my blog over the years knows that I do. But it's because I was impatiently waiting for the answer and trying not to be rude about it!  Rhonda : Yup yup, hurry up and make your point or my inner squirrel will be running off in a million directions. No shame we can’t help it!The number of times I've heard Steve say to Jayden things like "Why am I wasting my breath?" or "Are you even listening?"  So many times. So many. He definitely zones out in conversations. He never heard oral instructions at school, constantly missing information that other children had, like when an assignment was due or how to do it. He will respond to questions, like if you say 'Did you hear me?' he'll answer 'Yes', but when you ask him to repeat everything you just said, he'll be all 'Uh, um...' He is a terrible listener. Rhonda : Now that you know this, short instructions, no unnecessary stories or illustrations to make your point and then he has a chance at listening and following through.4. No Follow-Through. 'For children and adults alike, inattentive ADHD can manifest as a million projects lying around the house in states of completion - the vegetable garden that got planted but never watered; the new organization system that was assembled but never used; the abandoned sheet music for the piano lessons started and then ditched after a few tough months. If you love to plan and start projects but get sidetracked and leave a trail of unfulfilled promises in your wake, that could be a sign of inattentive ADHD.' Holy shit, that couldn't be any more me if it tried. Wow. Okay, so you all know about my many unfinished projects. There's a reason I call myself the Queen of Unfinished Projects. But you may not known that I started a Bachelor of Medical Laboratory Science and never finished it. I started a Bachelor of Arts and never finished it (thankfully I dropped that one before I actually paid for any of the classes/lectures I attended). I started a Bachelor of Education (Primary) and never finished it. I started a Bachelor of Communications and never finished it. Are you seeing a trend? Rhonda : Yuppers you are so not alone!Jayden doesn't have the history I do, but he's starting down the same path. He dropped out of school to do an NCEA Level 3 course in Hospitality, and didn't finish it. He starts writing stories all the time but never finishes any of them. His room is just covered in screeds of paper where he's started stuff and then abandoned it. Rhonda : Yup, again not our fault, our interest is fleeting and we hyper focus spend crazy amounts of time and then hummm our squirrel is satisfied..so long drawn out things almost always end up incomplete. Better to block time to allow a project start to finish or find other ways to use gamification to keep and hold our interest!5. Disorganization. 'Lost your phone again? Your keys? That report that's due tomorrow? Since we're often thinking about something else when we're putting down important things, inattentive adults are prone to the worst of ADHD's hallmark disorganizational symptoms. Our homes, cars and work spaces often look like tornado just hit them - which can fill inattentive adults with a crippling amount of shame.' Uh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. At my last job, I had to take my laptop home with me every day. I literally had to leave it in my car overnight (with my car locked, obviously) or else I would forget to take it with me to work the next day.  I've lost so many things in my time, it's not funny. And I've never had a tidy desk or bedroom. Never. I've had to learn to be more organised with things I value or that are necessary for work purposes. I still lose stuff though, even when I'm trying hard to be super organised. This is why I pack my suitcases a month before I have to fly! As for Jayden, oh god, yes. He's lost his phone, his keys, his passport, so many times. Once Twice he left his whole bag on the bus. He's washed his wallet numerous times. He's constantly losing things and he has no idea where anything is in his room. Rhonda : Sigh ... yup!6. "Laziness" or "Apathy". '"He could pay attention if he tried." "She's just not dedicated - that's why she misses so many deadlines." Unfortunately, inattentive symptoms make us look lazy or uncaring, especially if the ADHD is undiagnosed or hasn't been disclosed. Without treatment, we're prone to losing jobs and friends - or even developing a hard and bitter persona as a defense mechanism. If everyone's pinned you as lazy your whole life, it's easy to start to see yourself that way too.' Weeeeellllll.... I'm pretty sure I am actually lazy. But yeah, my school reports always said 'Has potential, must try harder.' I'm not sure about this. But given that the only criteria is that people think you're lazy or don't care, I guess I'll say yes. I've always been considered lazy, and I do see myself as lazy. But I suspect I am actually lazy, so... Fuck, I don't know. Yes? I have used the word 'apathetic' to describe Jayden soooooo many times! Rhonda : It’s what creates low self esteem, self confidence etc. In kids/adults always being told we could do/be better...not our fault it’s our wiring and once we know it we can work with it instead of against it!7. Bermuda Triangle Syndrome. 'Everyone misplaces their car keys or phone from time to time. People with inattentive ADHD trade stories about finding their glasses in the freezer and the frozen peas in their purse. They tend to misplace the essential things they need for living - keys, wallet, backpack, sports equipment - on a daily basis. If you have found that you need a "launch pad" near the door to ensure you don't forget your phone, and couldn't live without the locator device attached to your key ring, that could be a sign.' I feel like this one is the same as #5. Disorganisation. Losing stuff all the time. Aren't they the same things? Rhonda : AgreedAs I already mentioned, I have a tendency to misplace things, but I don't think I've ever put anything in the fridge when it belonged in my handbag. I have seen both kids do that before! But yes, I definitely need to put the 'important things' in a particular place so that they're there when I need them again. I learned that the hard way over a number of years. My handbag now goes next to the dining room table every day when I come home. My phone and glasses always go on my bedside table. And if someone says 'Remember to bring such-and-such tomorrow' you can bet I'll forget if I haven't set an alert in my phone (or even sometimes if I have!). I have to set alerts on my work computer for all sorts of things, including basic daily tasks like turning on the dishwasher before I leave or checking the mail. These are coping mechanisms I've established because I forget things and lose things. As for Jayden, yes, yes, yes. As I always mentioned, he's constantly losing things. We still haven't found his passport from the last time it was lost. He alleges that he gave it to me for safe keeping. 8. Distractibility. 'Inattentive adults are dreamers, doodling on their notes during a big meeting or studying a fly on the wall while their spouses are asking about bills. Often nicknamed "space cadets" or written off as flaky, many people misinterpret their lack of focus as lack of interest - and can get frustrated by their inability to pay attention, especially when it's important that they do so.' I was definitely a daydreamer at school. 100%. I've learned to pay more attention as an adult, but I do still have a tendency to zone out. I've learned to keep my mouth shut when it's inappropriate to ask random questions or share random thoughts - like during work meetings, during sex or in the middle of someone's tale of woe. Rhonda : Yup Jordie used to count snow flakes, leaves falling and raindrops because she was so not interested in math at school...lolFor Jayden, 100% yes. It's incredibly frustrating to be talking to him and he'll be like 'Did you know that penguins have knees?' (Thanks for that tidbit of knowledge by the way, Rhonda!) He calls them 'shower thoughts' which is a phrase he learned on Reddit, but they splurt out of him at all sorts of inappropriate times, most especially when Steve or I are lecturing him or imparting important information. 9. Forgetfulness. 'How many times have you missed a doctor or dentist appointment in the last year? Inadvertently stood up friends for lunch? Joined a conference call 20 minutes late? These are all common occurrences for adults with inattentive ADHD, who struggle to pay bills, return friends' messages, and send out birthday cards on time. This may be perceived as rudeness or laziness, but this behavior is rarely done on purpose.' A big, fat, adamant YES. I'm always running late or forgetting that things have been scheduled or are due. I have to put everything into my calendar on my work computer or my phone, with alerts. I literally had my talk with Rhonda a week late because I forgot that it had been scheduled for the previous weekend. This is so Jayden. He has missed more appointments than he's kept, because he forgets about them. And forgets when assignments are due, that sort of thing. Very much yes. Rhonda : Yup, next time we chat remind me to talk to you about the ADHD issue with time...because time does not exist for us as it does other people which contributes to the memory issues as well.All that information was taken from {x-link:https://www.additudemag.com{/x-link}ADDitude{/x-link}. I took their self-test and it says that a score of more than 51% suggests ADHD. I scored 65%. I think I would have scored more highly if the questions had been worded slightly differently. Like, I don't have trouble relaxing, but I do have trouble turning my brain off at night, which Rhonda said was pretty much the same thing. When I took the self-test specifically for women, I got 69%. I took the self-test at Totally ADD.com and got 7 out of 9 on the inattentive section. That was easier, because they offered some differently worded alternatives for each question and you just answered yes if any of them applied to you. For hyperactivity and impulsivity, I scored 5 out of 9. I don't tend to interrupt people, but that's more politeness than anything else. I sometimes get impatient for people to finish their story so I can tell mine, but I don't rudely interrupt. I also don't tend to pace or walk quickly (I'm actually a very slow walker) but I do tend to fidget or bounce my leg or tap my toes or whatever. And I think overall I'm incredibly patient, like I would have said it's a characteristic of mine. But partly that because I daydream or am distracted by other things, so I'm not just sitting patiently doing nothing, I'm off in a world of my own, or I'm reading a book. *shrugs* Anyway, it was interesting. I'd like to explore it some more with regards to Jayden, and whether this information can help us help him. If we can use this information to help him understand his own behaviour, help us understand his behaviour, and help him put coping mechanisms in place, that would be awesome. Maybe then Steve won't get so frustrated with him, Jayden won't be so hard on himself and he can become the independent young man that we all want him to be. Rhonda : Once we understand ourselves, and our kids...why we are the way we are...then we can use that knowledge to set ourselves up for success! |
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