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Guided by prompts from WDC blogging challenges... and of course, life |
HI! I'm Jenn - and I'm all over the place (well, at least my mind is). In this blog, I have attempted to gather my thoughts on things prompted/inspired by WDC blogging challenges from "Journalistic Intentions"  , "The Soundtrack of Your Life" , "Blogging Circle of Friends " , "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" and, well, LIFE.    |
| I'm sure we've all heard that old adage, "What goes up must come down." There's so much truth to that saying, beyond where gravity is involved. Manic highs are most often followed by some pretty extreme lows. Welcome to my Bipolar 2 nightmare. It is so easy to ride the highs, to not stop to consider what will inevitably follow. But the higher you are, the harder you crash. I wish I could keep my feet on the ground rather than flying high or on my knees in tears. Normal life isn't my norm though. And I must play the cards dealt me, like it or not. My shrink warned me yesterday that if I didn't take care of myself, I was going to snap. She was trying to warn me that the mania could get worse, and I wouldn't have control anymore. Maybe she should have thought about that other possibility. The one in which I find myself once again. Remember silly girl. What goes up must come down, and down, and down. I told Mark earlier what is going on. Being my best friend and husband, he deserves to be forewarned of my disposition. He can make sure there aren't many things around the house I could hurt myself (or him) with. He'll be better equipped to handle my silence and my random bouts of sobbing. There's no good way to express how I feel. So few words even come close to sufficing. Drained, empty, despondent - wretched. In the end, though, they are all just words on a screen. Words that still fail to express the true extent of the experience. And, yeah, I'd like to die or at least inflict physical pain upon myself to force my mind away from the mental anguish. Once upon a time I would burn myself in times like this. I never was big on cutting. Burns caused more pain. But I'm an adult now. And I still have it together enough right now to know that burning isn't the way to go. I just don't know which end is up anymore. Every direction I turn is a southbound road farther down the spiral. The dogs keep checking in on me. It's like they sense I'm off. Coltrane keeps coming and putting his massive head in my lap and looking up at me with his big soulful eyes. Maybe he's telling me I'm not alone, who knows. Nixon won't leave my feet. He guards me, escorts me through the house, refuses to let me be alone. They know. I wish humans could be as perceptive... I know I'm not alone. I have Mark, family, and the dogs and cats. And I still have somewhat of a grasp on what is real. Hopefully the ride doesn't get worse. But either way, I know that This Too Shall Pass. Enjoy your lives when you can y'all. Everyone deserves to be happy. |
| The Pupdate: Nixon, my old German shepherd who has been ill for the last little while, is finally starting to get better. There have been no more signs of runny poo and his appetite is improving with each feeding (I started by adding a little bit of boiled chicken pieces and broth to his food to stimulate appetite as the vet suggested). Turned out he just had a stomach bug his body needed to work through. I'm happy his immune system is still strong enough for him to be able to recover. He is even being less lethargic and more playful again. It's good to have my big boy back again! As for Coltrane, the younger one (my mastiff) he has shown improvement on learning limits both within the house and when we take him out in public. Who doesn't want a dog that behaves, after all? He still has an addiction to tearing up cardboard boxes, but I am sure that will wane with time as he grows out of puppyhood. As with any pet/child, he has his times of forgetting his manners and will try to do things like get into stuff on the kitchen counter (he stole and ate an entire new loaf of bread recently) or steal our shoes. I had to take his teddy bear away from him until he stops tearing everything up and boy was he upset with me! He sulked for over an hour with those big sad eyes locked on me like lasers! The Kittehs: Both cats are still too wary of Coltrane to come inside the house and many days I just see one or the other of them. Yesterday and this morning, however, Psycho and Maple Creme were both on my porch waiting for food and lovings. I sat down on the stoop and they came at me demanding pets and kisses, temporarily forgetting about their food. I think they're getting used to the "new" dog. (Though he is a daunting fellow at 9 months and over 80 pounds!) The Human Folk: As for me and Mark, we're getting by. I've had some issues with my mental health again. My Bipolar likes to rear its ugly head every once in a while. At least it has been the mania and not depression. I go today to see the doctor. It'll get straightened out, I'm sure. I'm in a flare too. (When it rains, it pours. Right?) But again, today is Medicine Day. Whoohoo! I take meds every day, but Wednesdays are special. I take my once-a-week med on Wednesday. It makes my handful of pills a bit bigger, but it is well worth it to get some relief from the pain and inflammation that the Lupus SLE and other aspects of my MCTD cause. Regardless of the health and mental issues, I continue to work, come home and do more work. But, I'm still doing less work now than I ever did as a teacher - and I'm getting paid more. (When a retail assistant manager can make more money doing less work and putting in fewer hours than a teacher that had to have at least a Bachelor's degree from an accredited university as well as a certification from the state, there's something wrong with that!) Mark has been getting loads of customers lately and honestly has more work than he can handle. Summertime in Texas is always this way. People want green lawns throughout the scorching summer and many will pay handsomely for someone to make sure their irrigation systems are in proper working order or to install a system where there had never been one. And Mark is that someone. He's the best licensed irrigationist in this part of the state. He's been telling people it will be at least two weeks before he can get to them, so he'll be busy for the rest of the summer. That is good, because there isn't much work for him in the winter months. The girls are both doing well. Kat, my oldest, has her hands full with the two littles. (My granddaughters have to be the cutest kiddos since mine were little!) I'm sure she's tired, she has to be. But she lives with my parents now, so my mom is helping her with the babies. Thank goodness for grandparents and great-grandparents! Lucy (the baby) is due to move to her new apartment at the end of July. It is a loft and she's really excited. She's proven herself to be quite a responsible adult. She doesn't like to ask for help, but she did ask since she is going to need help moving. She is working on getting her driving license, something that her ex-fiancé had discouraged her to do the entire time she was with him. And she has a new love interest who is helping her achieve that goal by teaching her how to drive a vehicle with a standard (manual) transmission. I couldn't be prouder of my girls. They have both become strong young women. But isn't that what any parent prays will happen for their children? There are blessings amongst all the chaos. Sometimes, we just have to look harder for them than other times. |
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Glad you're OK.
You're so right, they are definitely perceptive. They know when you need extra attention, and they know when to keep an eye out for you. They are definitely a blessing from God.