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Looking for honest / constructive feedback on this chapter for a middle grade fantasy book

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This is just a place for me to ramble and dig a little deeper into myself for inspiration.

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Come visit a world like, yet unlike our own, be it in history or reality.

Libertalien

Some nonresident aliens don't pay taxes. Dialogue 500 entry.

Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/books/item_id/2256499-Blog---A-Young-Writers-Journey/day/1-24-2022

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Blog - A Young Writer's Journey

by WriterAngel

Rated: 18+ · Book · Internet/Web · #2256499

A blog documenting my writing journey

I hope this is entertaining... :)

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

tracker

Nov 1, 2023 at 6:05pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

You wrote "I hope this is entertaining... :)" Yes indeed I am totally blown away by your poetry blog. I have never seen anything like it! Hi, I am tracker. I have had some contact with you because I have fan'd you. I wonder if there is anywhere the system tells you when you did that? After being here awhile you can accumulate a whole lot of fans. Your adjectives stand out. "Squishy, suctioned, autumnal, fleshy for example. Who does that better than you do? I am really impressed. I only have one question. What is your name IRL so I can look on Amazon? Take care.
tracker

Kåre เลียม Enga

Jun 15, 2023 at 11:46pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Yes, keep trying. The syntax seems a bit twisted, making the rhymes seem forced, so it doesn't flow smoothly.

The use of -ast and -erst rhymes was good though.

Title: would "Palm Reading" be better?

WriterAngel

Jun 7, 2023 at 11:40am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Thank you so much for the feedback and kind words! I didn't even think of that hymn, although that's one of my faves.

It's a good idea to expand it a bit. I wrote it originally for Express It in Eight, but I could certainly keep working on it more...

Kåre เลียม Enga

Jun 5, 2023 at 11:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I really liked this. The use of 7/7/7/7 divide 3/4 or 4/3 reminds me of the hymn "Rock of Ages" and adds a musical component to these two verses.

There could be more... a third verse going back in time... maybe two verses... and then a last verse back to the present/future/ancient-past.

I have a variety of traumas and triggers. Not all memories are unpleasant but bad ones once triggered take me back. Photos work well for me, occasionally music (but more for emotion), and fragrance.

Use of the 5 senses to describe a before time might be interesting.

Now I'm back at my grandparents... circa 1960: a red cardinal, smell of rotten tomatoes, lilacs (May 1963), cold floor of the basement (we slept there on hot nights in August), flash of the fireflies, the slant of the hillside, the red sidewalk and white tires of nasturtiums, taste of split pea soup, and fresh baking bread (twice/week). Sound of? Maybe the porch swing... ah... the whistle of the steam engine (Pennsylvania RR main line).

Thank you for taking me down the dirt/gravel path through the hollow.

Ray Scrivener

Mar 31, 2022 at 2:49pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey, no rush on the writing front! I'm currently trying to work around my own responsibilities so we'll figure things out when we can.

And careful tossing that praise around, we haven't even dipped our toes in the story yet

Can't wait to see where these pirate adventures lead!

1 Like

S. Serpent

Mar 13, 2022 at 7:23am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Maybe I'm overthinking things, but I quite enjoyed this little poem. Maybe it's the fact that the poem is in the shape of a pyramid, but I think of ascension. I know you like hiking, so I wouldn't be surprised if some of this was molded from those experiences.

Tryst is such a funny word for me; each time I run into the word, I've already forgotten what it means. I had to google it to remind me. Here's hoping this poem lets it stick for me.

Great use of the elements, the sensations makes this place rather bitter yet beautiful to me--like a mountain.

Keep it up! You've always had a great vocabulary right up your sleeve!

1 Like

Ray Scrivener

Dec 17, 2021 at 4:30pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Omelette du fromage, oui oui. But seriously, I've forgotten all but a handful of vocabulary and a snippet of grammar. I really want to get my French passport but that means studying French again to pass a language test. New Year's resolution maybe?

WriterAngel

Dec 17, 2021 at 4:26pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Holy shit! That's so cool! Do you speak French?

Ray Scrivener

Dec 17, 2021 at 4:16pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Citizen, thank you very much! (Even though it's only on account of my father, but hey.)

WriterAngel

Dec 17, 2021 at 3:53pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Never would I have suspected that there was a Francophile in our midst! :)

January 24, 2022 at 10:49pm

#1025325

Heaven's Glass Ceiling

Coils of a tamed serpent slither skyward,
steps of countless believers,
wearing the path into
warm marble and cold iron.
We enlightened lemmings
ascend with craned necks
toward glowing white panes
to tap on Heaven’s glass ceiling.

Comment

January 24, 2022 at 11:45am

#1025293

Breaking the Spell

Soft fingertips rise and fall,
trace rough contours of stubbled cheeks.
Polished nails graze course skin,
repulsed by smoldering attractiveness
of chiseled features.

Shadowed lips part,
tongue undulates and slithers,
dancing with raspy rumbles,
clad in the supple velvet
of whispered lies.

He leans forward for a kiss.
My hand falls away.
I step back.

Eyes widen with clarity,
no longer under his spell.

Comment

Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/books/item_id/2256499-Blog---A-Young-Writers-Journey/day/1-24-2022