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The art of journaling, therapy overload, a few secret confessions of a journaling addict. |
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Journaling has always been a passion. Writing myself through dark times and good times, journaling has saved me from the need to vent by assisting me in collecting my thoughts. There are many different types of journals. Basic, food, and exercise journals to name a few. Writing Addict will be a basic journal for me to write my days away, practice writing, and focus on the aspects of my writing (or lack of) I am wanting to cultivate. It is a place for Addison to be Addison, no holds barred. You will find no right way or wrong way here. This is my safe space for clarity, confidence, and self-compassion. |
We have heard this said many times in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. It is a process of recovery that we all go through. This is my experience. I first walked into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous nine years ago, I drove around the building five times before I gained the courage to walk inside. It was a hot summer day and I had on long sleeves to cover my arms to hide what I had been doing to myself towards the end. It was “do or die” for me. I will never forget this day because I was greeted by everyone when I walked inside. Some I knew, some I did not but they welcomed me in and told me they were glad I came. I instantly felt comfortable being there and knew that I was safe. One lady made it a point to walk across the room to give me a hug. The thing I remember most about this moment was there was a strange familiarity and warmth in the hug. It was not pity, it was something I had never felt before. I now know it to be empathy. After my first time there, they told me to keep coming back. It had been many years since I was welcomed anywhere so I kept going back. I have a wonderful and supportive family but I had pushed them away a long time ago. I did not want them to see or be a part of what I was doing to myself. I have three beautiful children, ages 15, 8, and 3 at the time. I could no longer hide my addiction from my oldest two. They were angry and they were in pain and I did not know how to help them until I could learn how to help myself first. At the time, I did not think I was worthy but my children sure were. In my first 4th and 5th step, the term “self-loathing” came up many times going over my step-work with my sponsor, as did low self-esteem. It really bothered me, that word – self-loathing. It is such a strong sounding word. I would ask myself “I don’t hate myself, Do I?” I was not happy with the direction my life had taken but had I ever hated myself? Looking back, my problems began long before drugs. I have always been a perfectionist. As a child, I always wanted to be better, to perform better than anyone else because I wanted approval. Most of the time, I was good at everything but I had to be the best. There were many times I felt like I did not measure up. I felt inadequate and that I was “not good enough.” I was my own worst critic and very hard on myself. Once I started using and knew I had an addiction problem that I could hide for many years, until I couldn’t anymore, self-loathing was born. I had failed everyone that loved me the most. I could not look at myself in the mirror and I could not look you in the eye. So, let me take you back to the day I walked into the rooms of NA and was welcomed like I was. I was treated with a kindness that day that I had not known in quite some time. In turn, I made sure to do the same thing to everyone who walked through that door. I went out of my way to welcome the newcomer and make them feel comfortable. I made sure I hugged everyone who walked into that room. I treated the people inside the rooms and outside the rooms with the same kindness that had been shown to me. Somewhere along the line, I learned to be kind to myself too because I am a good person with a kind heart. I also learned the principle of tolerance. I learned to look at people’s strengths and not their faults because we all have faults. In doing so, I learned some self-tolerance and learned to focus on my own strengths because I have many. I also worked through the steps to learn to forgive others and in doing so, I learned to forgive myself. I was more than my behavior while deep into my addiction and I learned to love myself for the first time ever. I am very grateful for the things I have learned along the way. I am grateful for the people like me in recovery who loved me while I was figuring out that I was worthy of love. My family and my kids loved and supported me even during the times I was hard to love. The court system and outpatient center held me accountable and showed me the way to recovery. Most importantly, I must give God the glory. He led the way and loved me unconditionally in my darkest hour. Through His Word, I learned to focus on the good (most of the time). Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. — Philippians 4:8 Life is ALWAYS going to be a mixture of good and bad. Positive and negative. Paul is challenging us to seek out the positives in our lives and focus on those. The very fact that he tells us what to focus on reveals a critical point: We always have a choice. |
| Poetry contest: cobwebs cauldron scare skeleton whining witches headless horseman Oh how the kiddies whine and moan, their end is imminent the witch is home. Thrown into the fire they cook like stew, She stirs her cauldron into her favorite brew. Oh, but she won't be alone tonight! Her friend is riding with all his might. Hear the hooves mighty beat, how it sounds like thunder? The headless horseman is coming to satisfy his hunger! Boys and girls, young and old they can't wait to hear scary stories told. Careful my little ones, you will see those stories hold truth for you and me. Everyone has a skeleton hiding close by who wipes away cobwebs just to pluck out your eye! All Hallo's Eve soon will be here, stay safe little one's and keep your parents near! |
| Physical Description: Intelligent, witty, short ball of fire. Her quickness with words intimidated most men. They made her taller than she actually was at 5.3. Her whole freckled face lit up her skin and her eyes danced when she talked just as her hands did. She had a natural beauty and an artist when it came to makeup. She could adapt to any environment she was in but she liked to dress up. She was a prep in high school and delighted in being different. Sometimes shocking. She was 26. Personality: She could be know it all snotty. She was always right when challenged and it was her way. She did not start out this way. She was generous, compassionate, she loved and felt with her whol heart. She was a people please whose lack of boundary got her in over her head often. She trusted people because she only saw the good in people. She expected everyone to have the same heart as her. She learned the hard way life did not work like that. People were often jealous of her but she had no clue why. The way she saw her self was not how other people saw her. If she could see herself in anothers eyes, life may have taken a whole different path. She was a giver who liked connection. She was possessive and intrussive. Empath/Altruism, Availability She was prideful, with either inflated or deflated self-worth. She was either prideful or humble. There was no in between for her. Her basic desire to be loved deterioriate in to the need to be needed. Basic Fear: Her basic fear was she wanted people to like her. She could not stand it if she thought you did not like her. You were not given the option to choose. She would make you like her. After her relationship with Dash, this changed somewhat. She self-protected. If she did not like you, you knew it. If you did not like her, she could care less. She would make sure you continued to not like her. She feared being unworthy of being loved. Pattern: She gave her value away to others. Basic Desire: She wanted to be loved. She wanted to be loved like she deserved to be loved. After she had her son, Gray, all she cared about was him. She would do anything to make sure he had what he needed. All she ever wanted was a family of her own. One that stayed together, she wanted to give her son and children to come what she never had. She would do anything she had to to do it. This never changed. Key Motivation: This was her motivation. She wanted to be loved and appreciated for who she was. Would she ever find that? When Gray was born, this was still a motivation for her. It motivated her even more. Gray became her motivation. He deserved to have a family. She was afraid she could not do it on her own. He deserved better in life. Life became more about him and less about her. That is what you are supposed to do right? Yes, but in healthy ways. He did not need or want the same things she did. All he wanted or needed was her. She wanted or needed for him to have a family because that was something she never had but always wanted. She pushed her agenda onto her son but she would not realize this until later on in life. Kryptonite: Her weakness changed from time to time. She could arrogant and intrusive or she would be a doormat. This changed according to circumstances and how she was feeling about her circumstances. Her self-worth varied because she found her worth in others. She by herself did not feel worthy. She did not feel worthy of anyones love and found it hard to look into her sons eyes because she wanted to give him the world and could not. She did not feel worthy of his love. After her relationship with Dash, she became even more needy. She was never able to see her own self-worth. She found it in her son. She found it Dash. She found it Buck. She found it in Lily. She found it in Clara. Her relationship with Buck made this area of her life swing wildly. They deserved so much more than her. They deserved better because she was inheritantly bad. She was worthless. She was beaten. She never saw herself as strong even though she was. Her misbelief about the world: She believed that everyone had the same heart as her. She believed that people could and would change for their children. She believed she could fix people. She believed that her love was enough but it was never enough. Therefore, neither was she. She believed her value was found in others because she did not see value in herself. 4 moments in her life that could have changed her story but she chose to believe the lie instead. 1. She was molested as a child and she thought her mom knew it but did not care. Instead of talking with her mom about what she was feeling instead of believing the lie, she just believed her own perception. Had she had that conversation, she would have discovered her mom had no idea because the one person Anna had trusted enough to tell did not tell her mom. So, she believed that she was bad. 2. As a teenager, she gave herself away to people. She had sex at an early age because she thought that was her ticket to feeling that love. But people talk and she quickly realized that it only made things worse for her. She was mocked and taunted - called names. This made her feel even worse about herself because she was a people pleaser and wanted people to like her. Again, she could have talked with an adult before making grown up decisions and she would not have done those things. Again, she believed that she was just bad. 3. She believed that she was not good enough for her mothers love. Because she failed to see her worth, she did not feel worthy of her mothers love. She believed she was bad and that her mom could not love her like she was. 4. She believed that she was unworthy of God's love. Men did not stay in her life they were taken away. First it was her father, then her step-father, and when her mom re-married she instantly pushed him away. She feared getting close to him. She was bad. She was not good enough. She had major issues. She needed help. She held everything inside and it came out into the form of running away. This made her feel even worse about herself. Everyone though she was bad. Maybe she just be bad. What Lesson Does She Need to Learn? She needs to learn that she is worthy of love. She needs to learn that God designed her and he does not make mistakes. She needs to learn that people will not love you because you are pretty or a good person. She needs to learn that most everyone else in the world is also struggling to love themselves. They are just as human as she is and that if they did not love her - it had nothing to do with her but everything to do with their own internal battles. She could not fix that for them. She could not change it for them. That was between that person and God. She was not God. What is the best thing in her life? Her family. Her grandmother, her children, her extended family who loved and supported her despite of herself. What is the worst thing in her life? She turned to drugs and men as the solution. What does she look down on people for? She looks down on people (in the beginning) for not following that path that people are supposed to take in life. You know, the worlds agenda. She looked down on people for using drugs. That quickly changed and she looked down on people who put down people who used drugs. What she looked down on people for changed everytime she walked through one of her own boundaries. What makes her heart feel alive? She likes doing for people. She likes to be the hero. She likes being able to give and to do for others. Until drugs made her dead inside. What makes her feel loved, and who was the last person that made her feel that way? Being loved, she also enjoys being in the spotlight, and making people laugh. She likes being the center of attention. She likes being the center of everyones lives. Her grandmother was quite possibly the only person that had ever made her feel that way. Her grandparents on both sides. She was their world and they were hers. That is how life works right? It was not that she had never felt loved by her own parents but they were busy pushing their own agendas. They were growing up too. Her grandparents had already been there and done that so they had the time to put forth the effort to make her their world and they were hers. Top 3 things she values most in life Gray Lily Clara |
| What can I do to get my creative juices flowing again? I have been struggling to write lately because I simply cannot put pen to paper. I have tons of ideas but when I try to write, I am dead in the water. I am absolutely capable of writing. My problem is not ideas it is translation, making sense of my thoughts. If I cannot make sense of my thoughts, I cannot put them on paper and you cannot understand what I am trying to say. Today, I am changing my schedule. I am doing things differently than I normally do them. It is early. The house is quiet and I am not distracted by thoughts from my day. Just Write I had forgotten how clear my mind is in the early mornings. I have had my spiritual principles in a cup. I have prayed. I am writing. The only way out of this rut I have found myself in is through. I am not waiting for the perfect words. I am just writing. So Many Ideas and No Words I have had some great ideas lately. I sit down to write and cannot seem to narrow down what I am wanting to say. Generating ideas has never been a problem for me. It is not now. My problem is converting those thoughts into words. The issue is I have been confused about what I want to say about my topics. I need to condense my main idea into a short sentence to better my chances of completing the topic. I need to crystallize my point and not allow myself to take it into a million different directions. Who Says You Have to Start From the Beginning I am going to revisit my feeble attempts from the week and begin writing on the parts I know best. I will work from there. Just because it is called an introduction does not mean it is my beginning point while writing. Would love to hear from you! What do you do when the words will not come? |
| One of the hardest things, I have faced in my own personal recovery is watching one of my children experience the same pain. I am able to look at him and KNOW where he is at and what he is experiencing inside of his soul. I feel his pain. Not wanting to use is not the difficult part. Learning healthier ways of coping with life is not always easy. Identifying those patterns of behavior and replacing them with spiritual principles takes practice. It takes time. Recovery is not something that happens overnight. You will experience success. You will experience failures. The times you fail is not what matters. What matters is that you get back up and not give up. I cannot fix what is going on in my son's life. I can fix what is going on in mine. I can stop pushing my own agenda on my son. I can stop instigating arguments. I can stop treating him like he is bad and treating him like he is ill. I can stop demanding his recovery look a certain way and be done in a certain amount of time. I can stop wasting moments with him and my other children I will never get back. I have made every mistake. This time, I am going to try a different approach. I am not going to take the behaviors of his disease personally. I am part of the chaos. I have to focus on my own behaviors in order to love myself, my son, his sisters, and my husband well. We are not promised my tomorrow. If tomorrow does not come, I will leave this world knowing I have done my part in each of their lives. My family will know their mom's warrior heart fought for each of them every step of the way because they are deeply loved. |
| I have gotten out of the habit of praying and I do not like not praying. My relationship with God is important to me. This is one of the things you will see in my journal. There was a time in my life where the only relationship I cared about was methamphetamine’s. Thankfully, that is not who I am today. To work on my relationship, you may see me writing to God. I hear he loves to receive letters. I bet God is a blogger too. Heavenly Father, we have some things going on in our family that we do not understand how this has happened. We are devastated, distraught, and hurt. I cannot imagine what the immediate members are feeling. God, only you know what to do and how to begin their healing. Show me Lord, what I need to do to love, support, and listen. Help me not be afraid to reach out to them. God, I pray your hedge of protection around my little family. Each of my children, have things going on in their lives they will need a fully present mom which can be difficult at times because I am pulled between their lives, my grandmothers, my husband, my life, and my job. Guide me Lord. Give me wisdom. Light our way. About my life, God what a great life it is please continue to show me YOUR will, remove any distracting influences, and anything that stands between you and I. Help me to lead by example at home and at work. God bless you, for blessing me. I love you. IJNIP, Amen. ❤️❤️❤️ |
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