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What I want out of this. |
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I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. I hope that they do. I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins. The first thing is what do I want out of therapy? To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden. My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential. Why do I feel unworthy of love? I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process? Am I still depressed? Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder. I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go! 02/15/2023 |
| I have not done one of these in a while. Maybe I should write more often. But I find it rather exhausting. Sometimes I find it easy to just stay quiet and hope that, whatever is wrong with me at the moment, goes away. For it to never come back up. But here is the thing. It always seems to come back whenever the hell it wants. And that bugs me. Tonight... I don't know what is wrong with me. You would think that if I feel some sort of way I would be able to fix it... But I don't really know what is wrong with me. I picked up little Robert from his dad's and then I dropped him off at his girlfriend's house. He is 25 years old. I knew that at some point he was gonna leave me and live his life. And I was okay with that. But there was always something that I did not like about his girlfriend. I could never pin point it. And at one point, I told myself that it was because she was taking him away from me. Which is soooo weird to even think about it that way. Little Robert is this innocent kid that never had a normal childhood. Never had girlfriends, nor friends, nothing that a regular kid would have at a young age. So I always protected him, even from the family. When he finally got himself a girlfriend, it was because he was working. Which essentially forced him to get out of his room, his bubble and socially interact with people. Thus, came Riki. Weird name, but who am I to judge. She seemed like a good girl. She would come over and they would stay in his room and just "kick it" One day he tells me that he finally lost his V card and that things seemed to be going well. Well... It was supposed to be. He then told me that she wanted more then to just "kick it" in his room, something that he was so comfortable doing. He knew he had to take her out and live life. His room was not something Riki wanted to stay in throughout their relationship. Which is fine. I get it. You have to go out to continue to grow in the relationship. Here is my issue. She ended up cheating on him! Not even a year of dating and the evil woman cheats on him. Why? Because the guy had cute dimples! What the hell! After my nephew got out of his bubble and started to live, actually live. And the first thing he learns from walking out to this world, is betrayl. And not just by anyone, but the one that he fell in love with. All she can say "I'm sorry" Bull crap! That was planned. The reason why I know this is because Little Robert, my nephew, told me that they had sex at a hotel and that he found some pictures of her! My nephew's response to this: "I'm going to fix this." WHY? I still don't understand. But the thing I have noticed is that now he is with her 24/7. He no longer stays at the house and I don't know how I feel aobut this. Like I said, I know he was going to leave me one day because that is the natural thing to do. But I am not comfortable with the woman that he is planning on moving in with. I know that I cannot protect him but be there for him, should anything occure. But It's bugging me that I am not able to stop him from making a big mistake. She is bad news and all I can do is sit back and watch Little Robert try to fix his relationship. Now, I sit in my room, sad and alone. I don't know if I am feeling sorry for myself or feeling bad for my nephew. Why should I feel sorry for myself? Because, even if he is trying to fix this reationship I am alone with no one. At least he has someone? What is wrong with me? It is hard to be alone. I've been with my nephew for years. Even though I am with no partner of my own, little Robert, in a way, was my companion and now he is gone. And not in the hands of a woman that, I believe, is good for him. Can people really change? I hope for his sake that she does. What can I do but to move on and hope that he will be okay. He knows that I am there for him but as of right now all I can do is watch him from a distance. I guess that's it. Does this make me feel any better? I dunno. I guess. |
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