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What I want out of this. |
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I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. I hope that they do. I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins. The first thing is what do I want out of therapy? To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden. My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential. Why do I feel unworthy of love? I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process? Am I still depressed? Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder. I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go! 02/15/2023 |
| Trigger 1 I work for the Pima County Jail in Tucson Arizona and I like my job. I can see myself grow. Right now, I currently work at the front desk, helping out with the lawyers and the civilians, getting their visitations all set, as well as answering questions and all that wonderful jazz. This job can cause you to see things in a way that can cause sadness, depression and even anger. But most of all frustration. The reason why I brought up my job is because this is the thing that has caused me to see certain triggers that I thought I had bypassed. I was wrong. The first thing I’ve noticed is when people start to scream and shout. Start to cause confrontations, it makes my blood turn ice cold. I lose sight of what I am doing and even after the situation has calmed down. I am always looking over my shoulder, almost as if I am waiting for someone to come out of nowhere and attack me. I believe these things happen to me because of what I grew up seeing. I had a very violent step father, mentally and emotionally. He would scream from the bottom of his core and would cause my blood to run cold. He was someone that was unpredictable. Especially when he was angry. One thing is for sure, is that when he had an idea in his mind, there was nothing you could do to make him change his mind. So if he thought I was lying for some odd reason, even when I was not, I was a liar. The man hated me and did everything in his power to exhume me out of my family’s life. I am sure that in time he will be brought up numerous times. The only thing I can think about as to why I feel as though I have to look over my shoulders is because there were certain times that my step father hurt my mom in front of me, which caused me to be in shock. I remember this one time I woke up from the sounds of his screams. He wanted my mom to come back into the room. I was sleeping in an extra room that was next to the kitchen. My mom was in the kitchen, trying to iron his clothes. I could see that she was trying to ignore him or was trying to avoid the beast from within the bedroom. I remember opening my eyes and was ready to ask my mom what was going on, when out of nowhere the beast comes from behind her and drags her by her hair into the room. What a way to wake up, right? Then the screams begin. Sadly to say, as long as there was sound I was okay? If there was silence… then that would cause alarm. I wouldn’t know what he was doing to her. Later my mom would come out with red eyes and a mark on her face. The beast had struck again. I just never understood why mom would tolerate such a thing. I guess that is another story to tell at another time. I am sure you will notice that this rabbit hole goes deep, deep enough that it has caused more damage than what I wanted to believe. But I have grown tired all of a sudden. That is enough for today. 2/15/2023 |
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