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What I want out of this. |
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I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. I hope that they do. I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins. The first thing is what do I want out of therapy? To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden. My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential. Why do I feel unworthy of love? I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process? Am I still depressed? Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder. I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go! 02/15/2023 |
| They say getting rid of the Ex is a hard thing to do. Why is that? I don’t know. It was easy for me. All I had to do was hang up on the jerk and it was over. See, he lived in Mexico and was an illegal. He could not cross over to bother me. It was so easy to just hang up on him and never think of him again. The relief I felt that day. It was beautiful… Well, the easy part was to leave him in the past physically but mentally, now that is a whole different ball park. This might be all over the place because he also plays a huge role in my life. He was the first guy I actually gave a chance to be mine. The first guy I actually called my boyfriend and then later my fiance. When I first met him, he lived with my mother and the Beast. You see, he was the beast’s nephew. Big red flag, right? Why would I go out with a guy that had the same blood as the man that swore to destroy me. But I could not blame him for that, right? In fact, this guy was sweet and shy. He could not look me in the eyes when we first met. He just said “hello.” and then walk away from me. He had just arrived from Mexico and was living with my “parents.” I never had any intention to be with him. Especially since he was only here to work and then one day go back home. But sure enough he asked me out. And, at first, I avoided the whole situation because I did not want to be with someone who would eventually leave. I forgot to mention his name. Let’s call him Munch. He was nice, at first. Really seemed to like me. In fact, on our first date, we went to the club inside the Casino. He was buying me one drink after the other, which was a midori sour. He later told me that he did not buy girls any fancy drink. Only beer. And since I was special, he wanted to show me that he could… I guess, afford me? Weird, right. I believed it at the time and thought the jester was strange but sweet. Of course the beast was not happy to hear that his nephew was interested in me. In fact, the beast was always in our business. Spreading lies and even telling Munch not to take me seriously. And if he only wanted a quick lay, I was there to be spread wide open. The beast hated me for so many reasons I have yet to expose. The point is that we broke up because of whatever the beast had put in his head. I had walked away but soon after Munch came back. But he came back with different intentions. Something that I would soon see for myself. This person that came back was not the same person I liked. He was now a miniBeast. This man had broken me, but at the same time, he helped me realize the best in me. I know that might sound weird. I am sure I will speak of him throughout this journey. The reason why I brought him up is because when I think of him and how it all ended, I realize that he was someone I just put it on the back burner and never really dealt with. There was so much trauma that when it was “over” I did not bother to try to fix whatever damage it caused me. All I know, for now, is that he was my first boyfriend that I thought I was in love with. Later to realize that it was lust. And that he was only introduced to my mom because Munch was a default. ( I never had the opportunity to introduce a guy (that really came from me) to my mom.) Munch was already there, a convenience, just like I was to him. Hmm, now that I am writing this down I start to realize that there are always signs when something is not meant to be. (Like when I dated a guy named Ricky. There were several times that we were in the middle of…um… being intimate, and the song from Korn: Freak on a leash, would be playing. There is a part that says: “You and I aren’t meant to be. A cheap F*ck for me to lay…” Which I was in the end. Another sign I did not pay attention to until years later.) I guess it's true when they say once you truly open your eyes you start to see things that were always there, right in front of you. |
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