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What I want out of this. |
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I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. I hope that they do. I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins. The first thing is what do I want out of therapy? To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden. My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential. Why do I feel unworthy of love? I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process? Am I still depressed? Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder. I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go! 02/15/2023 |
| I never got my therapy session. I guess I was forgotten. I guess I'll just write. Maybe it will help someone out there that is paying attention. Maybe it will help me with something. Maybe it will ease my pain. Maybe I can find some sort of peace tonight. I am so tired. I only slept 4 hours. And even though my eyes are burning, they wont close. I listen to music and hope to find some sort of rest tonight. But all I am doing is thinking of you. I know I should not since I have so much homework to do. However, my mind wonders back to you. I want to be with you and talk to you without no one being around. I work with you but we are so busy that we have no time for each other. I know I am supposed to be your friend and see you nothing more then that. But I want more tonight. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am craving you. and that is scary for me because I dont want to. What would be the point? I am feeling sad because I don't have you here with me tonight. I think of ways to talk to you but then I stop myself. there is no point. THERE IS NO POINT! I am so tired tonight. Maybe I should sleep and think less of you. When I saw you today I wanted to be around you and just talk. But you seemed to be somewhere else. I know you are worried because you have just found out that you have diabetes. I tried to take you lunch but you did not eat it beause i brought you a piece of cake. and even though you said you would have eaten it, you would not because you are trying to be good. I felt a little hurt. I know it is only me! I should understand but I want to satisfy you. and now, i dont know how. Food was my way of expressing my "love" for you but now you wont touch it. I don't know what to do to show you my "love" I know it is a ME issue. But I feel defeated. I feel as though you are walking away, trying to figure yourself out. And I should understand. But just when I thought I was getting close to you, another thing happens and you walk away from me. I know this is probably all in my head and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess I should just leave you alone and just come around when you.. I guess, need me? OR, here is another thought. Maybe I am just really tired. Maybe I am not satisfied because I want to be there for you with food and make you happy. but now i can't and i hate it. Damn you diabetes! The one thing that could have made us bond, is what is making it hard for me to get close. Food has not become your enemy. When it was always mine. Welcome to my life, meine liebe. Good night. |
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