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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Have you ever been set up on a date? I saw two people set up during a luncheon on Saturday. I don't know if it was intentional, but it sure seemed like it. I knew when both people showed up with their mothers. I wasn't sure if I should be there, but I'm sure I was invited for a reason. There was a lot of flirting going on, blushed cheeks, conversation, and a tiny bit of alcohol. The guy was no subtle about his attraction. He asked her mom about marrying her when she got up to go to the bathroom. Her mom shot him down, BUT she offered a friend of hers that was ready to get married. I felt bad for him because they obviously shared an attraction. I did agree that they were in different stages of their lives, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. That is how we learn from one another. I think he would take good care of her while she finished school. However, I am not her mother and have no say in their relationship. Knowing that is not the first time that she has been set up, I think she is goin to be able to choose the perfect man for her. Perhaps when she lets go of her dream guy (don't we all have one?) and becomes open to the possibility of love with another person. My Hebrew lessons have been going well. I am starting to get past the point of recognizing some words as I read. That, of course, is thanks to GZ. He is an amazing teacher, and I know I couldn't be doing this journey without him. He is very patient. I don't enjoy hearing myself read, but he encourages me and reinforces what he knows that I have learned to push me further. If you would like to hear his robot voice (scripted voice) check out his YouTube channel. I am even in a couple of the videos. https://www.youtube.com/@LearnHebrewSchool I still got frustrated with myself again when it came time for a couple prayers at shul. I know I should be patient with myself, but there are a couple places that I need to be able to speak fast and read fast, and I can't. My response is still, "What she said!" It's frustrating. I feel dumb. I freeze when it comes to these specific parts and everything around me just becomes noise. I'm not sure why, but instead of being too hard on myself, I am going to take L's advice and focus on one prayer and master it and then go on to the next. It is my goal to be able to wake up in the morning and say the morning blessings in Hebrew instead of reading through them in English. This should be a good place to start because they all start the same and it only leaves me with a few words to say that I don't already know. When I get them down, I will work on the Shema. Then I will work on my bedtime prayer in Hebrew. When I can start every morning with prayer in Hebrew and end every day with prayer in Hebrew, then I think I can work on the service and not be frustrated or flustered around others while learning the service in Hebrew. The prayers I pray in home when it is just me and Hashem should come first, because that is the point of this whole conversion, getting closer to Hashem. Days and weeks can be stressful and tough, but when I read a prayer, pray a prayer in English or partly in Hebrew, when I light the Shabbat candles, when I read through a verse in Hebrew, when I have a short conversation (even a couple words) in Hebrew, when I bless the food before and after I eat, when make sure what I'm eating is kosher, when read the Torah, when I read Tehillim, when I learn Isaiah, when I do one of the many things that have become a life immersed in Hashem, I feel a peace that I have never felt. I feel a closeness with G-d that I have never felt. I feel like the me that has always been trying to get out and didn't know how. How could I want any other life than this? I am so blessed to have brought to this point on this day. Baruch Hashem. |
| What led an old lady to hug me and ask if I really wanted to do this while attending a prayer meeting? Read the blog today and you will find out. Friday night I attended a women's dinner. I admit that I barely made it on time, and stressed about running late. I dodged crazy drivers and only cried once. I immediately prayed and felt comforted. Then my music (set to shuffle) became more uplifting and upbeat. My near accident (still not sure how I avoided that one) began to feel less important. I made it to the shul just before we started (literally like a minute if I'm being generous). My friends saved a place at the table for me and then we sat in chairs in a large circle. We sang together and watched children dance around the table full of Shabbat candles. Every woman that was there (over 50, I believe) lit a candle for themselves and one for their husband if they were married. If you've read any of my other entries, you know how I feel about Shabbat candles. A table full of them was a beautiful sight and filled my spirit with wonder and joy. I met some wonderful women and heard some inspiring stories. During the meeting we played some interesting games, but we also learned that on the back of our name tag was the name of one of the hostages taken by HAMAS. The name on the back of my name card is on the list found here https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/6140595/jewish/Names-of-the-Hosta... Saturday started off like any other Shabbat. I got up, got ready for shul (had spent the night at a couple's house from shul whom I had stayed with before). I attended shul. I had lunch with the family whose house I had spent the night at, (More on that lunch tomorrow) and took a short but wonderful nap. I walked with a group of women to attend a prayer meeting. On the way (we were walking because there is no driving on Shabbat), a car stopped in front of us and a man jumped out moving quite quickly. We were a bit on guard when he greeted us with, "Shabbat Shalom" which is a common greeting among Jews (remember the man was driving). His voice was shaky when he spoke. He said that we needed to be careful when we went to shul because Jews were being targeted. That morning a rabbi was stabbed and murdered in front of her synagogue in downtown Detroit. We told him that we were on our way to a prayer service to pray for the soldiers Israel. He got back into his car and drove away, turned around and drove back by us very slowly. It was weird and a bit scary. On edge, we finished walking to the prayer service. We sat with a group of women (about 20) reading through Tehillim praying for the soldiers and the hostages. The ladies started telling about the guy that stopped and gave the news of the rabbi that was stabbed in front of the synagogue. One of the old women (whom I was walking with to prayer service) asked me if I was sure I still wanted this. I have no doubt that this is what I want, even in the scary moments. We walked back to the house where we started watching every car and still a bit on edge. I left the ladies at the house and began my walk back to shul to get my car. It was getting dark and I could not see in the windows of the cars. Every car that drove slowly by made me nervous. I made it shul and to my car. There is so much more to say, but it is late tonight (Technically tomorrow). I will write some more tomorrow since there is still so much more to say. |
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