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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I absolutely love my new Tehillim book. There is a thrill of the smell of a new book, and when it has a beautiful cover and perfect typesetting, it makes it even better! The nikkud in the Hebrew side of the book is so easy to read that I am able to get through a chapter much faster. I have been reading just the first chapter at work during my lunch and will continue doing it until I have it memorized in Hebrew. My Hebrew classes were cancelled tonight so I attended Talmud at the shul. It has been a long time since I have attended a Talmud class, and every other class that I have attended has been online. It was a really good class on how women were the heroes during the time of slavery in Egypt. It was such a different experience hearing it in person compared to listening to online. For one, I wasn't distracted by dishes, work, or my phone. I was also able to hear people commenting on his lesson and hear the questions. It was really good. I think I finally figured out how to cook parve food in my kitchen. I did have to buy a few small appliances and am still working on getting everything I need to make it run smoothly. I know some things I should wait to buy until after my conversion, but I need to cook and to make my kitchen work while keeping it kosher. Some things, I guess I just don't have a choice. I don't have everything I need yet, and I found my new issue is with knives. I need to be mindful when I use a knife to cut something, and I need to make sure I have enough knives to keep them separated. I don't have it yet to my satisfaction. This morning the roads were terrible, and the weather was bad. The traffic was extra heave, I was late to work, and everyoen seemed grumpy. Driving to work always makes me miss the country. But tomorrow night Shabbat begins. One more day of telling kids to take their headphones off, and to take their earbuds out, and to be respectful of their classmates, and then... then there is peace, and rest, and prayer, and more prayer, and a little bit of food, and great people. When the city wears on me and when I'm asked if I like it here, I just think about shul and my community and Shabbat. I don't want to be anywhere else. This is my home. This is my community. No, I don't want to be anywhere else. |
| I am an utter failure. As a convert, I am permitted to keep 99.9% of Shabbat, so I do something small like putting on Chapstick or lotion, or helping someone by turning off their stove. Small things that don't make me feel like I'm completely desecrating Shabbat. I have not broken Shabbat more than these small ways since I have moved to the community, until this Shabbat. There was a small snow storm on Friday. I had to drive very slow to get home safely, so I only had a few minutes before my friend made it there to pick me up. I was having dinner at the Rabbi's. The Rebbetzin offered for me spend the night so I wouldn't have to walk to shul in the harsh weather in the morning. I packed a bag, just in case the weather got worse or the snow didn't stop during the time I was at dinner. My friend arrived to pick me up and give me a ride since she was invited also. We joked about how she knew I wouldn't be ready even though she was late picking me up. I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend. I sent a snarky reply (not a proud moment), turned off my phone, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I have never been to a dinner at the Rabbi's with so few people. Nor have I been to a dinner there where I knew everyone. I was so thirsty at the end of the fast that everything I drank was the best ever. I was nervous that I would have stomach issues eating someone else's food at the end of the fast, but it was only a short fast. I had no issues. My friend, on the other had, did. It could have been too low of blood sugar, or something else, but she scared me. She said that she was fine, but I wanted to make sure. The snow hadn't stopped and was still coming down at the end of the dinner. Instead of staying, I got back into the car with my friend and let her drive me home. I cleaned off my vehicle and followed her home to make sure she got home safely. I sat there until she went inside. I drove slowly back home thinking about how many times I had broken Shabbat, but knowing that I would do it over again if given the choice. Then I walked inside. There was a smell that was really bad. It had not been there when I had left for dinner. I no idea where it was coming from. I had a bag of garbage that I hadn't had time to take out before Shabbat started, but it didn't seem to be coming from that bag, or so I thought. I figured that I could find it after Shabbat, and that it would be fine. I was wrong. The next day, I got up, got ready, and went to shul wearing the dress that my friend wanted me to wear. I prayed and watched for her to come around the time she normally arrived. When she walked in the door, I felt a huge wave of relief. The Rebbetzin was a little late, which had me wondering if she had gotten sick after we left, but she walked in smiling like normal, and my anxiety quickly vanished. I had kiddush at another friend's house. My friend who had been sick at the dinner the night before was there. She drove next me after the meal as I walked home. She was doing fine, and it made me feel a little guilty about breaking Shabbat so much the night before, but at the same time, I knew I would do it again. Then I felt guilty about that. I got home wanting to say my Tehillim and take a nap. However, I walked in the door, and the smell was overwhelming. I had purchased a small bottle of milk over the holiday break that I intended to use to make the Oreo truffles (made on Monday instead) for my students. It had gone bad in the fridge (unopened) before I had the chance to make them. I didn't want to open it because I knew it would smell bad. I put the unopened, sealed bottle of milk in the garbage. I Somehow, it had ruptured in the bad and spoiled milk was spilling all over the kitchen floor and under the meat cabinet. I wanted so bad to wait the few hours until Shabbat was over to clean it up, but the smell was too much. I took the garbage out to the dumpster with milk dripping the entire way. I grabbed a washcloth, wet it, wrung it out and cringed. I broke Shabbat again. I tried to clean up the stinky, spoiled milk covering my kitchen floor and all the drips out the door without breaking Shabbat again, but it was too much milk. I got the mop and mopped up the rest. I wanted so bad to put a wax melt in my warmer, but I resisted. However, at that point I had broken Shabbat so many times, would doing one more thing really matter that much? I said my Tehillim and took a very short nap. I woke up just as Shabbat ended. I cried doing Havdalah. Did I fail this past Shabbat, yes. From the moment I sent the snarky comment until the moment I put out the flame of the Havdala candle, I failed multiple times. As someone who does not live in failure, I spent some time crying on G-d's shoulder, sent a text apologizing to my ex who accepted the apology, gave charity, and bought prayer books for holidays Selichot, Yom Kippur, and Rosh Hashanah so I can study them before the holidays arrive again. Tonight I will have some chocolate and a good sleep. Tomorrow, I will study, and I already know that next Shabbat will be better. I have no doubts that the king of the universe created me and has called me to do this. Therefore, I cannot and will not stay a failure. Shavua Tov. |
| Man this is hard sometimes. I still love you G-d and I trust you. |
| I was in class the other day with the Rabbi who laughs. He has said repeatedly that he thinks that I am crazy for wanting to convert. He was talking about a Jewish comedian, Modi. He had a skit on converting to Judaism. I've heard of the comedian and seen a few of his skits on YouTube. Today, a few days later, it comes up on my YouTube suggested videos. It was very funny, but also very true. When he talked about converting to different religions and then going to a Rabbi and saying you want to convert, I said the punchline before he did. "No you don't." It is true that they try to talk you out of it. It is true that I get discouraged at times. But then I look at my Siddur, or pray a Tehillim, or say my morning blessings, say a brucha without thinking about it, or just spend even a small moment talking with Hashem, and then I get over my discouragement and turn back to praise. Here is the link so you can laugh like I did. https://youtu.be/4GlgHlcFLF4?si=9gPBA2mZMhR1Ydo- I don't know that I will ever fully understand why I pre-rip toilet paper for Shabbat. It doesn't matter how much it is explained to me. However, I do it during my Hebrew lessons because it is a reminder that every little thing and every big thing I do is for the same purpose, to serve Hashem. How do I spend my person time outside of work and classes? I look at stoves with double ovens and try to think about how I can get out of buying a new stove and still have an oven that is parve. I haven't figured it out. Because my oven is dairy, I haven't baked challah since I've been at my new apartment. I can't bake it in a dairy oven and serve it with meat. However do I need two ovens? I've looked at countertop ovens, but the small one I have for meat (since I eat very little of it) still takes up so much space in my kitchen. I don't want another countertop oven. If it wasn't for chicken nuggets, I could almost be a vegetarian. Almost. It is a lot of money to get a stove with a double oven. I haven't figured out another way to be able bake challah though, and I miss baking challah. Did I enter this journey ever thinking that buying a new stove so I can make my kitchen keep with up my level of observance would be an issue. Never, ever crossed my mind. I know that I can just keep buying challah here and the oven wouldn't be an issue, but I love baking. I really love it. I need a parve oven. It's late already and I need to work tomorrow. I will tackle this problem again tomorrow. Have a great night. And thank you everyone who lit candles this past Shabbat. It was an extra happy Shabbat thanks to you. |
| I enjoyed learning the laws of Chanukah this year. Not only with a friend studying the Shulchan Aruch, but also in the book that L got me last year. My friend and I will be starting studying the rules of Pesach. I'm not sure how much I can actually do. I will have a lot of questions for my Rabbi. Chanukah is over, but the messages of Chanukah are still displayed in my email, all over my Facebook page, and in my WhatsApp groups. I really enjoyed Chanukah. It was a very meaningful holiday. Fun, yes, but also full of love, light, and hope. I ended Chanukah studying Hallel with L and Hebrew with GZ. I sure hope it is always like this. Today I went to a class on the Parshah of the week. This week's Parsha is Vayigash. It is the part of the Bible where Joseph reveals himself to his brothers. His father Jacob comes to Egypt and the Jews prosper in Egypt. We didn't get through very much of the parshah, but the message was so good. I was able to hear two different messages on the parshah. One message was just on the meeting between Joseph and his brothers when he revealed himself to them. The second message was on the same theme that I have been hearing all week, on being broken and learning how to grow from being broken and use that brokenness to connect to Hashem. When I first starting studying with Chabad, I was amazed how in depth they went with the Bible. It wasn't surface level, which was all I was used to getting. It wasn't some off topic message that some pastor made up and tied it to a verse taken out of place. It is soul kindling study of the word of G-d. I feel so blessed every time I get to participate in any class and learn. It is a privilege to learn at this level. Every time I hear a story or lesson, it fills part of my soul that was empty. I am so thankful to Hashem for giving me this time of my life. I've been working on my kitchen a lot with keeping it kosher. I absolutely mess up and then study what I would do if I mess up like that after my kitchen is koshered. I'm thankful to have friends to talk me through it and know that I can ask the Rabbi when the time comes to help. There were things that I found I need to work on. It's amazing how many sets of kitchen gadgets are needed to keep the kitchen kosher. I never thought I would ever need more than one cheese grater, but that is not the case. I use it a lot for vegetables (making latkes). I need it to be parve for vegetables, but it is dairy when used for cheese (who doesn't like freshly grated cheese?). That means I need 2, one parve cheese grater and one dairy cheese grater. I now own two. Another thing I have needed to expand on is my kitchen hand towels. To keep from mixing meat and dairy, different towels are needed. They are easy enough to wash, but I found that this takes practice and a lot of thought. I have been doing things and realized that I didn't change towels for meat and had to grab a new towel, or vise versa. Since I usually only eat meat on the weekends (except this week with all my leftovers from Shabbat since my guests didn't show), it is easy to keep dairy towels out during the week and put a new towel out for the weekend. It hasn't been easy with eating leftovers. The latkes I made were considered meat because I warmed them up in the meat oven (a separate little air fryer pizza oven that I bought specifically for meat), but I don't eat meat the rest of the day. That meant that I needed meat towels for the morning (when I made the latkes with scrambled eggs and spinach), and dairy towels for the evening. It's not really a difficult thing, but it takes thought and planning. I'm going to be heading back to work soon, and I am so thankful that I had this rest. I really needed this time to focus on studying Torah, Hebrew, and spend my time connecting with The Creator. Thank you Hashem for this time. Over the past week, even through disappointments and heartbreak, I was able to rest and gain the strength needed to face the world outside of my apartment again. I know some of you have asked how the move went and how I am doing now in a new city. I still hate the city. There are too many cars and the sheer amount of people is still overwhelming. However, I can get to work, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, to shul, and to friends houses without GPS. I hate driving even there aren't cars on the road, so all the cars and the people do little for helping with that issue. I've done okay financially. I do get paid more here, so that helps. I have paid my rent and bills every month and still have not gone hungry. That was my hope when I moved here, and I have been able to achieve that. I have made more friends since I have been. Work is okay, stressful but it okay and pays the bills. I like that I make a difference, even if it is a small one. I like my apartment a lot. I love the closet space and the sheer size of my bedroom. I got a second (okay third) bookcase and assembled it over the holiday. I now am excited to get a few more books. I have wonderful neighbors. The lady who lives upstairs is from Poland. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and so good to everyone in the building. I am doing well here. My Jewish followers, please join me this Shabbat in lighting candles. I know not all of you are observant (your words, not mine), but the world could use your light this Shabbat. I could use your light this Shabbat. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Shabbat. |
| Tonight I kindled the Chanukah lights for the last time this year. As they burned, I reflected over the past eight days. In the midst of all the fun of playing with the dreidel, watching the giant menorahs be lit, watching the magician and the Chicago Boyz Acrobatic Team, all of the soup, the latkes, the doughnuts, the friends, and the laughter, G-d has challenged me to grow in ways I didn't expect. I keep being brought back to the story of the stone tables. G-d created stone tables and wrote the ten commandments on them. He gave them to Moses to give to the people. When Moses went down the mountain to the people, he became angered and broke the stone tablets. He then went back up the mountain, pleaded with G-d for forgiveness for all the Jewish people, created a new set of stone tables and G-d carved the words on them again. Why do I keep coming back to this story over and over again? When the candles are burning, there is a light in your soul that grows brighter. The is an ever so gentle tug on the soul that calls for growth and personally and spiritually (or in my case, a smack on the head and a voice saying, "Hay, listen up. I'm talking to you."). Each night I lit the candles, I asked G-d what he wanted me to learn. What was my message for Chanukah? I felt the tug on my conscience to pray more mindful. I haven't been praying like I should, I know. Not just my morning prayers, the Shema, the Amidah, and the bedtime prayer, but my personal prayers and conversations with my creator. After a few days of rest, it time to reconnect. Not only was I needing to talk, but I was also needing to listen. On day 4 of Chanukah, I sat at the kitchen table alone trying desperately not to cry and hold onto some form of joy. I had faced multiple days of disappointment and was heartbroken. I watched my day 4 candle burn bright and beautiful, but as my tears fell, the flame jumped down the candle wick and quickly the candle burned down to half the size of the rest. Day 5, a similar thing happened with the day 4 candle. Day 6 and day 7 the same candle burned differently. I relived my disappointment and feelings of self-doubt and a low sense of self-worth. My conversations with G-d increased and I opened myself up to listen. Listening brought me back to the broken stone tablets. Growing up, I pictured those broken stone tables in pieces on the mountainside left where they had fallen. They were broken and worthless and soon replaced. It was only during this conversion journey that I learned something different. The broken pieces of the tablets were placed in the ark along with the second set of intact tablets. Why were the broken tablets kept? Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk said, "There is nothing more complete than a broken heart." It is in our brokenness that we must spend time to grow, to learn, and to heal. We are not given only one heart. Our heart does not heal and become whole again. We take our broken pieces, we learn from them, and we put them together with our new whole completed heart. Only with our broken pieces echoing the lessons we learned in our brokenness can our whole heart stay intact, grow, and truly love ourselves, G-d, and others. Each day that something happened to the day 4 candle, or even another candle, I heard my heart whisper truth after truth. It's still burning brightly. It might be different, but it still has worth. It might look different, but it's still burning bright. It's beautiful. My friends words from days before echoed through my mind, "You're an amazing person. Someday, we will get you to believe it too." Each day I listened. "Do you trust me?" Yes, G-d. I trust you. "Do you believe that I want good for you?" Yes, G-d. I believe you will always do what is best for me. "Do you believe you are good enough?" I don't know, but I know this is where I belong and where you want me. As the days passed, I could feel G-d close by as we talked. Day 8 I lit the candles so thankful to have had this time of fun, experiences, and personal growth. I spent a lot of time this day just being thankful. As day 4 candle acted up again, I smiled. Then I heard a voice. "Before I can give you what you asked, you have to be ready to accept them. Are you ready to accept them?" The candles have gone out and I am cleaning my menorah to put away. I look at my vision board that outlines everything that I am praying for for the next year. Some of the things on there, yes, I am ready for. All of them, no. I'm not ready yet, but I am in the right place at the right time. Soon. Very soon. I will be ready.  |
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