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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| When I started this journey, I did not know a lot of things. I never expected things to turn out the way that they are. Every day is planned around work and conversion classes. On days like today when my classes are cancelled, I get to do things that I haven't gotten a chance to do. I cleaned the kitchen, took out the garbage, mopped the floor, cleaned the shower, folded that overflowing basket of laundry (Finally!!!), and took a call from a friend who is converting to answer questions about a kosher kitchen, finished my prayer and thankfulness vision board, studied Hebrew, and danced around my house singing. Living in the community is a lot different than living where I was living before. I have access to a lot of kosher food, which makes me very happy. I get to attend all of the holiday services, and I love the prayers for the holidays. They are beautiful. I get to study with the Rabbis in person instead of remotely. That is nice, because I can ask questions. I get to attend other events. I get to hang out with my friends in the community. Also, after a day of shopping (with a friend), I get to go to a kosher restaurant and eat delicious food. I get to walk to shul every Shabbat and holiday. Most importantly, I get to learn every day. I'm learning where to shop for food I like to cook and clothes that I can afford. I'm getting my prescriptions filled, and taking my car in to get it fixed. I'm learning when the traffic is bad and when it is closer to what I am used to. I'm learning what I need to buy for my kitchen for it to run a little smoother. I'm staring to settle in and get back to some of the routines that I had gotten down before moving to the community. As I focus on adding a new observance, it takes a bit to adjust and makes me miss some things that I had already done. I'm back to saying the Modeh Ani when I wake, then wash my hands before touching my face or eyes (took a lot of concentration to get that one down), saying my morning blessings and prayers, and saying the bruchas before and after I eat throughout the day. I like living here in the community and I like the ability to be more observant. Thank you Hashem for leading me here and sustaining me here. I love you. |
| The high holidays are over. Simchat Torah is a holiday that celebrates the love of Torah, the love of Hashem, and the love of being a Jew. I feel that I am blessed to look at Simchat Torah with a different lens than everyone else I know. Last year was my first year experiencing Simchat Torah. On that day, 1200 people were murdered by terrorists and over 200 were taken captive. 120 still remain captive. That day was approximately my 6th time attending synagogue. I would have to look back in journal to that time to see exactly, but I know it wasn't long that I had attended. People asked me for months after if I was sure that I wanted to convert. Why do I not just stay B'nei Noach? After Simchat Torah, it is easier to explain. One year ago, I watched as those people that I was just getting to know wept for people they had never met that were killed and worried about those that they knew that could have been in danger come together and pray. I also saw them joyful and celebrate their heritage and the Torah. I saw them finish reading the Torah and begin again. They prayed, they questioned, they anxiously waited news, they read the Torah, and they celebrated the Torah. It was an experience that I had never had in my life. Since that day, as a woman who just showed up one day and never left, I have been accepted and loved. I have watched them (and participated) pray for hours on end. I have seen them weep, fundraise, and do all they can for those that died, those that remain in captivity, and those that are fighting for their freedom. All of this was done with words from the Tanach and complete faith in G-d. Over the past year, I have also seen them celebrate what it means to be Jewish. I have seen them celebrate their love and friendship for one another. I have seen them remember those that couldn't make it to pray in the synagogue by creating and delivering packages on holidays, as well as celebrate each other's successes, joys, life cycles, and accomplishments. All of this celebrating was done with words from the Torah and thanksgiving to G-d. This year on Simchat Torah, I saw them remember the 1200 that died that day in a very moving and memorable way. They prayed for them, they did mitzvas in honor of them, and they danced with them while dancing with the Torah scrolls. I also saw them pray for hours blessing G-d, thanking G-d, and petitioning for G-d to intervene in their lives and in the land of Israel. Just like last year, they grabbed my hand and asked me to dance with them. They taught me the songs that I did not know. They gave me a bracelet that says, "JEWISH WOMEN UNITE." They welcomed me to the tribe. (Their actual words). It was this Simchat Torah that gave me clarity of words as to why I not only want to study Judaism (which I admit fully that I love doing), but also to be a Jew. I have never known anyone who loves the Torah, the Tanach, and all of G-d's word as much as me, until now. I have never known anyone else that wants to show G-d's love like I do, until now. I have never known anyone who is so supportive of others just because they are who they are, until now. There is no group of people that I know who want to serve G-d as much these people. I grew up wondering why I was so different than everyone else. I dressed different. I thought different. I acted different. I never understood why there wasn't anyone out there like me. Simchat Torah is the day that shows me that I am not different than everyone else. I was just around the wrong people. There are people like me. Wonderful and amazing people that I am so blessed to know and to meet (some even just once). In fact, there is an entire nation of people who are like me. When I stand before the throne of G-d and am judged, there is no other people that I want to stand with other than the Jewish nation. |
| Starting Wednesday night is the last of the high holidays. My students missed me and were happy that I was back today. Unfortunately, it is only for two days because of the next holiday. I did assure them that I wouldn't miss again until March. They seemed happy about that. They were afraid that I had gotten another job and moved away. There was an email sent of Friday that there is a "Scare" event on Wednesday night and all salary staff were expected to be there. I didn't get the email until Monday because I didn't have technology until then. I had to send an email saying that due to a religious holiday, I could not work the event. I offered to work during my prep and after school today to make up the hours. I forwarded the email to my dean and he said that it was fine. I stayed after work today working until 7. I'm hoping that is enough to appease them. I'm hoping that there will not be an issue with Shabbat in the future. Especially after taking off 4 days this month for the high holidays. I've been studying a lot around working and the holidays. My friend AB from another state calls me and read and discuss the Laws of Brachos. I study Shulchan Aruch with a friend that I met at shul over a year ago and got close to. She and I meet once a week, or at least we try to. I study twice a week (again after the high holidays) with one of the Rabbis at my shul. He is funny and makes me laugh a lot. He's started defining the Yiddish words when we come across them without me having to ask. I appreciate that. I meet with GZ multiple days a week to study Hebrew. We also go over the Hebrew part of the Shulchan Aruch to make sure I'm not missing anything in the translation. He also has classes on Psalms and Isaiah which I love. My favorite thing that I've learned over the past couple of weeks is in the Shulchan Aruch. There is a section on Mezuzahs. There is a line (Siman 11 section 23) that just makes me say, "Wow!" It is powerful and highlights the entire reason that I started this journey in the first place, to get closer to Hashem. Before the weekend of rejoicing over the Torah, I just want to say how thankful I am to Hashem for bringing me here to this point of my life. I love you with all that I am. |
| We are now in the midst of the holiday of Sukkot. It started on Wednesday at sundown and will end with the holiday of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. The first two days of Sukkot and the last two days of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah) are non work days. Since they started on Wednesday at sundown, they ended when Shabbat began. There has two weeks this month that I have had a three-day holiday start on a Wednesday and there will be one more. Three-day holidays have been the talk of the ladies at my shul for the past year. I didn't understand the dread until this month. A holiday starting on a weekday is stressful enough with work and meetings before making it home with little time to prepare the house before candle lighting. I haven't had to cook, so I can't imagine cooking for a three-day holiday in addition to preparing the house. There is so much to remember and prepare for. There is no spending money or conducting business during a holiday. If an ingredient is forgotten, there is no making the dish for the holiday. If the wine runs out before the end of the holiday, there is no wine for Kiddush. That's just the beginning. There is no turning on lights or lighting a flame (the stove has to be lit already and stay on), no doing laundry, no cleaning, no doing dishes, no form of work at all. That also means, no tearing toilet paper. I have read about the toilet paper in the Shulchan Aruch and in the Shabbos Kitchen, but still don't understand it. I, however, do make sure that I have pre-ripped toilet paper for Shabbat and for holidays. A three-day holiday is a unique challenge. That can be a lot of toilet paper for one person, let alone if you host a dinner. I did not have time this week to prepare toilet paper for the three-day holiday and was left with whatever had I pre-ripped last holiday. I didn't run out, but it was close. I was nervous. I noticed that once a holiday begins, and I am not able to clean, I notice everything that is wrong with my apartment. It's not only the laundry that I didn't get folded. It's the floor that I didn't get mopped, the soap on the edges of the tub, the cobweb in the corner of the room, that one cup that didn't make it into the dishwasher, and on and on. It's stressful, because I have to stare at those little things for days knowing that I can't do anything about it. Then I worry that someone will come over and see how messy I am. I can hear my friends now telling me not to be so hard on myself, and that their homes are not perfect, and that they do forget things. They, after all, have years of experience, and I'm just learning. But that's the thing, I am just learning. I am learning in hopes of one day being a Jew. There were two instances that really hit me hard over the holiday, and I still haven't fully moved on from them. First, I need to say that it wasn't a person in the community that made me feel this way. As a strange woman who just showed up one day and never left, the women of this community have been nothing but loving, helpful, supportive, and welcoming. The people stress over asking me to do something as a goy (non-Jew), because they know that I try hard to be observant. Some even forget the fact that I am not a Jew (their words, not mine). It these moments that make me feel welcomed and accepted. I have been told, "Welcome to the tribe," on more than one occasion. The problem with that is the fact that I am not a part of the tribe yet. That became blatantly clear on these two occasions. The first was on Thursday. During the holiday service, the people go outside and shake the lulav and esrog in the sukkah. Someone who doesn't own one has to be "gifted" one by someone else. I watched as they shook the lulav and esrog and smelled the esrog. I was asked if I wanted to do it, and I said that I didn't think I could. When asked by someone if I would like their lulav and esrog, I said, "No, thank you," and someone said, "She can't. She's not a Jew." It's not the fact that I didn't do it, or even smell it (which I really wanted to do), or the words that confirmed my non-Jewish state; it's the fact that I was afraid to even touch them to smell them because I didn't want to touch something used for a holy purpose and defile them with my non-Jewish hands. And the fact that if I did do it, it wouldn't hold the same meaning to G-d that it would when everyone else in that tent did it. Seeing the joy on their faces as they shook the lulav and esrog, and wanting to know what it even smelled like made me feel so small and dumb. I took two days off of work because I am choosing this observance. I felt stupid and like an imposter. I was there because I chose to be there over doing anything else. I know that there is a certain significance in that, but it is after all, just a choice. That brings me to the second instance. It was after Minchah and Maariv prayers that we lit candles in the basement before going on the Sukkah Hop. I have lit candles for over a year. However, it was in that group of women where one young lady was helping the other young ladies and said after we lit, "Now you can ask G-d for anything. Share with G-d your hopes and dreams." It hit me hard. I have always prayed for my children, for friends, for the hostages, and for the soldiers during that time. Maybe it was the way that she said it, but all I could think is that there is only one that I want, to be a Jew. I couldn't break down in front of all those women, so I quickly prayed for my normal list of people and left the room. All the sukkahs that I was in were wonderful. All the food I was offered was delicious. It was fun going from sukkah to sukkah and seeing the different designs, hearing the laughter, and being with friends. If someone told me a year ago that I'd be sitting in a hut (multiple huts) with my coat on, in the dark or cold afternoon, fighting off bees, and enjoying every minute of it, I would have thought they were nuts. I did enjoy it. Even the bee entertainment. It was truly an amazing holiday. Why then have not gotten over those two instances? I don't know. |
| This past weekend was Yom Kippur. It is a fast (no food and no water) from sundown Friday night until after sundown Saturday night. This is the one holiday that I struggle with. I love being in the synagogue praying for two days (except the couple hours that I slept), but the no showering or hygiene at all leaves me feeling disgusting and only thinking about how much I want to brush my teeth. I admit that this year was not as difficult as last year. My feet didn't hurt as much at the end of the day. I didn't feel out of place at all. I wasn't hungry the entire day, just thirsty. The entire day was different for me than it was last year. I knew what I did all year. I didn't know that the year before like I did this past year. It wasn't just another year of the same old, same old. Life has changed so much over the past year. Reflecting over the past year has been a daily activity for the month of Elul. This reflection for me didn't end with Rosh Hashana or when Yom Kippur started. It was near the beginning of Saturday morning service when we were still early on in the book and reading the blessings and thanksgivings to Hashem for our blessings over this past year. One point (which was probably repeated multiple times throughout the day) thanked him for bringing us to that place at that moment and for all of the good throughout the year, because everything he does is for the good. It was that moment that it me and I couldn't stop crying. If I never get to finish my conversion for any reason, if I die this year and never get to learn another thing or see another friend in my community, I can still be thankful. I am thankful for this moment in my life, for this time in my life, for this season of my life. Of every season in my life, this is my favorite one. I hope I get to continue this year and eventually reach the mikvah, but if I stand before Hashem before I reach that point in my life, I will still thank him for the time that I have had to learn more about him and grow closer to him and to everyone in this amazing community. Before moving to this community, I worried that my actions would become rote and that I would just do things because I felt obligated to do them. That is not the case now and I hope it will never be the case. The more that I learn, the more that I want to learn and the more that I want to follow what I learn. Everything I do at every moment of every day has meaning, and I am so thankful for being here in this place at this moment. |
It's October 7. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions all day. I had to choose between attending an October 7 commemorative event or going to a Bar Mitzvah. I went to the Bar Mitzvah. It was nice to break from heartache to celebrate life. Watching a kid juggle fire was definitely a welcomed distraction, though I am thankful that I am not his mom. I mean, can you imagine?  It wasn't until this evening after listening to the story of Ori, who was killed after 11 months in captivity, that I started reflecting on the past year. It was exactly 365 days ago that I danced with the ladies that I danced with tonight. The big difference is that they are no longer strangers and we now share common memories. Ori has been my face of October 7th for many, many months. Knowing how he died will not change that. Part of me feels a bit guilty for ending the day feeling so blessed, but part of me just wants to relish in this feeling. I know that some people hate my decision to convert. I know that some people think that I am nuts for doing this after seeing everything has happened in the past year. My heart breaks now and has broken repeatedly over the past year. But, at the same time, my heart feels full and my life is on the right path. I can feel to my very core that what I am doing right now is right. This is my way to live. I feel so blessed that I get to wake up every morning and pray and go to sleep after praying at night. I feel so blessed that I get to pray with friends throughout the week. I feel so blessed that I get to study Torah with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to study halacha with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to read Hebrew and study the Torah in Hebrew, and read prayers in Hebrew, and understand Hebrew conversation (a little bit). I feel so blessed that my days are so full of learning and helping others that Shabbat feels always within reach and never far away. I'm going to go to bed after praying for the hostages and the soldier and all Israel still feeling blessed, because I am blessed. I love you Hashem with everything I am. |
| Rosh Hashana just ended and Yom Kipper is coming up. It was my second Rosh Hashana. I ate lunches and dinners with people that I met one ago on this holiday. My host who did not know me at all (nor I her) and had opened her home to me for the holiday last year has become a good friend whom I love dearly. I have spent time looking back over the past month at the previous year, but it did not hit me the depth of the change in my life until this holiday. When I sat at tables of friends who were strangers a year ago. When I prayed with friends who didn't know I existed a year ago. When I hugged and celebrated with friends who I never knew that I would know and love so much like family. When I was able to do non-Jewish things that others couldn't do and my friends were surprised because they had forgotten that I wasn't a Jew. When I walked home late every night at 11:30 or midnight to my own apartment. And when I was reminded that on this holiday one year ago that October 7 was decreed and that in a short 10 days from that date, life would change forever for every living Jew all over the world. One year ago my life was decreed to change so drastically. I have a new job. I live in a new city. I attend the most amazing synagogue. I have the most amazing community. I have new friends that I love so much and have said goodbye to so many that I loved. One year ago my life was so different. Two years ago, my life was on the verge of change. Three years ago, my life is unrecognizable. Who was I even back then? I don't know that woman anymore, and I never want to go back. What was decreed for my life for the next year? What are my blessings going to be? What are my struggles going to be? What will be the fate for all mankind over the next year? What will become of the hostages? I cannot even speculate. I never thought that I would be where I am sitting right now with my life how it is at this moment. The great, the good, the bad, and the worst is all decided for the next year. All I can do is trust Hashem. My last year was a lesson in bitachon. What will this year's lesson be? I did struggle with one thing over the holiday. During holidays, no technology can be used. That meant that my cell phone was off for three days. One of those three days was my daughter D2's birthday. I wanted to turn on my phone and call her to wish her a happy birthday. I didn't turn on my phone and call until after the holiday and after Shabbat. She wasn't upset because she knew I didn't forget about her. It was really hard for me to not pick up the phone and call her, or turn on my computer and send her a quick message. It certainly isn't always easy being observant. That is for sure. Shana Tova and Shavua Tov to all my Jewish friends who read this. May this year bring you (everyone reading this) joy, blessings, and positive life changes. |
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