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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I've learned a bit this week. My Hebrew has improved and some words and phrases have stuck. Others, not so much. Yet! I still enjoy every lesson, even when I do a terrible job speaking or reading. Hebrew is a beautiful language and I find more and more words and phrases that I love. I like the way some of them roll off the tongue. They are fun to say and sometimes very poetic. I still have my same favorite word though. I'm not sure that will ever change. I talked a lot about kosher laws over the weekend at my friend H's house, so I decided to read up again on kosher laws and deepen my understanding beyond the separation of meat and dairy. I learned that even though fish is considered parve (neither meat nor dairy), that it cannot be eaten at the same time as meat. It can be served in the same meal as a separate course and eaten with a different plate and fork, but a drink should wash the mouth before eating meat. It should never be on the same plate or eaten with the same utensils. I asked my rabbi why, and he said, "It can cause a spiritual disease called Tza'ras." In case you're wondering what that disease is, it is leprosy.  So with this knowledge, I had to break some bad news to my daughter. I haven't told all of my children yet, but they will be a bit upset. I make a wonderful dish called pepper steak. It contains steak, peppers of three different colors, and gravy (home made) served over a bed of white rice. It is delicious. Unfortunately, I use Worcestershire sauce. Even though Worcestershire sauce is kosher, it is kosher fish. That means, I cannot put it on a meat dish. Will I get creative and find a way to make it delicious without it? Absolutely. Will it be the same. Never again. Along with pizza, tacos, chicken salad, and many other dishes, it will never be the same. |
| Shabbat is referred to as a queen or a bride as though it were a person. In the book I am reading Shabbat by Abraham Joshua Heshel introduces the book by saying, "Creating Shabbat begins with a sense of longing. It is not we who long for a day of rest, but the Sabbath spirit that is lonely and longs for us." I know that there is a feeling during Shabbat that leaves a gaping hole when Shabbat ends. It leaves a feeling of loss and longing. It is as if someone you love left and you have to wait for their return. The work week then begins and every moment of the day for six days is full of rushing, working, praying, eating, and a few hours of sleep. For one brief weekend in the coming dismal gray that will permeate the core of every living thing, I had a full Shabbat from beginning to end in one place. I left on Friday with plenty of time to make it, but life always happens. Somehow, the clips that hold my tail light in place decided to break and my tail light was flapping as I drove down the road. I looked all over my car to find something to keep the tail light in place, but found nothing. I was almost to H's house and found an Ace Hardware. I didn't have time to stop (or find a garage open on a holiday weekend) to have a new tail light installed. I bought some duck tape and taped the tail light into place. I made it to H's house with twenty minutes to spare. I lit my candles first since she wasn't ready. About ten minutes later, she lit hers. The ushering in of the Shabbat is always magical. I had to break Shabbat while I was there. There was not much opportunity for me to do that (which was amazing) but I put some moisturizer on in the morning before going to shul. That was enough to break Shabbat and still give me the entire weekend experience. I stayed through the end of Shabbat and watched as she and her husband did Havdalah together like it was second nature. I was so blessed to be a witness to that. The drive home is a bit of a blur. It started snowing right before I stopped for gas at my normal stop. The roads were like ice the last bit of the way home and I slid going up hills a few times. I only saw one small accident (small dent in the car on the side of the road) and was happy to pull into my parking space. _______________________________ As I sit watching the snow fall and thinking about all of the things I need to do today and this week, I also think about the hostages that were freed and those still in captivity. As I watch the forest get slowly darker and the ground get whiter, I think what it must have been like for 49 days to be held by rifle point in a tunnel underground having seen my parents and siblings murdered in front of me. As I drink cold water from a water bottle, I think about those still in captivity in a deep dark tunnel not knowing if today will be the day they go home or the day they die. I am thankful for all of the hostages released so far and struggle to understand the monsters that were motivated to do such atrocities to other human beings. What about that 10 month old baby that the world seems to have forgotten? The hostage that I have been praying extra hard for and doing mitzvas for is still in captivity. My heart aches for her. Is she even alive? I pray as though she is alive and waiting to be freed. G-d free her. Shabbat was a small break for the worries of life but still full of prayer for the hostages. G-d free all your people has you have promised. |
| My dad started in on me once every hour that I was with him. He has a cross (many but one in particular) that he said has sand and gravel from Israel. My response was, "Don't you think it's creepy and a bit sadistic to have a cross with a guy hanging on it displayed on your wall?" That did not go over well and I was subjected to a long lecture about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. There are times I can hold my tongue, but other times I cannot. I tried to get his attention on other things, repeatedly. I knew we were going to different Thanksgiving dinners, so I only had to survive the night and the next the morning. The family's house I went to after leaving my dad's was great, like I knew it would be. There are people that G-d puts in your life that will always love you and support you and hope for your life to good, happy, and blessed, regardless of your differences. I'm thankful for them. I read in books about how much of a difficult time people have with going to family gatherings when they convert because of all the food that they are tempted with. As I stood at the beginning of the tables displayed with various kinds of food, I had to make decisions. Did I want to keep kosher or enjoy a night of indulgence? Today is Thanksgiving in the US. That means that turkey, ham, stuffing, sausage, ham covered pickles, potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, and lots and lots of varieties of pies covered the table. With the exception of the few raw vegetables and the cucumber salad that I brought, everything contained dairy or meat, and some of that meat was pork. I did not eat any pork. I, for the first time that I can remember, did not eat any meat on Thanksgiving. I ate homemade mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, cheese and crackers, and my salad. Then I enjoyed a small piece of apple pie. I am not sad at all that I did not eat any turkey. This was actually the second time in a week that I turned down eating turkey so that I could eat dairy instead. The first time, I even made the turkey! When I started this journey, I was happy for the chance to choose G-d. I didn't know that I would be faced again and again with the choice to choose him. I want my life to make Him happy and to be a reflection of how much I love him and appreciate everything he has done and will do for me. I want to choose G-d over my own desires every time. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and have a blessed Shabbat. |
| It is sometimes the little things that give us an extra spark to keep going. Little nuggets of Jewish wisdom seems to do the trick for me. That was the case today. I watched a recording of my Rabbi (because I was working during his class). I'm not sure who the guy is that does the Rambam now, but there were a couple of things he said that were really good. One is that the mitzvah of the Torah is the same from generation to generation. If there is anyone that tells you not follow it and to follow something else, they are a false prophet. Then there's little quotes from the Rebbe that are posted on Facebook. Sometimes it takes something little to bring me back into focus. What is important to me? What is my ultimate goal? How much can I control towards reaching that goal right now? How much do I need to just trust Hashem to take care of for me because I don't doubt that he will? I know what I need to do the next couple of days. With GZ's voice ringing in my ears, I will focus on listening to as much Hebrew, as much wisdom, as much Torah as possible so when I am surrounded by family, I can keep all the good things close to my heart and just love them. Any adversity that surfaces from them, I will be able to counter with love. Job applications and apartment hunting can have a rest for a day as I focus on my relationship with Hashem. It's time to go pray. |
| I saw a falling star on my way home from shul Saturday night. I had watched a beautiful sunset that peaked just as I reached the top of a tall bridge giving the perfect scene for a postcard. The peaceful ride allowed for some deep conversations with G-d. That peace did not last past the night. I am so thankful for my time alone and the peace to have a meaningful connection with Hashem. It is what helps me get through days like today when, again, I have to defend my decision to convert. Today is the first day the word "cult" came up in the conversation, and now, I will be defending myself to my family that I am not joining a cult. I'm supposed to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my aunt's family. Now, do I even want to go? How long am I going to have to worry about every family gathering I attend? Is there going to be an end to that feat that the next family function will be a grilling session, or convert me back to Christianity session, or worse. My circle of supporters is very small. Even if not another person on earth is for me, I'm thankful that I know that I am still never going to be alone in this. Thank you Hashem for being my rock. |
| I have been reading and studying up on Hanukkah with my prayer tutor L. I have not had the pleasure of talking to him the past couple of days, but have still been learning on my own. I learned today that the lighting of the Menorah (one additional candle each night until the 8th night all 8 are lit) is from the Hillel Academy of Learning. There is another way to light the Menorah according to the Shammai Academy of Learning. They taught that the Menorah should have all 8 lights lit on the first night and one less lit each night after until the 8th night when only 1 light is lit. The Shammai way of lighting the Menorah will happen when the Mashiach comes. I'm not quite sure why though. I know there are a lot of things that will be different when the Mashiach comes. Many days of mourning and holidays of fasting will become celebrations. |
| Tuesday was a rally at the capital to show support for the hostages taken into Gaza and combat anti-semitism. My friend H went and sent me some pictures. I loved the photos. I was very nervous about my friends being there. Thousands of Jews gathering and being exposed is like driving through state land on opening day of hunting season. You just never know what could happen. I prayed very hard for everyone's safety and was thankful that no major events happened. What I saw live was very moving and uplifting. My dad called tonight. Every time we talk there is an issue with my conversion. I told him today about my moving at the end of the school year. He told me to move in with him and drive to the closest shul. I then had to explain to him why we do not drive on Shabbat. Though he understood the reasons, that caused him to circle back to the Pentecost, the New Covenant, the King James Bible, the Holy Spirit, and, of course, Jesus. Again, because he knew I wasn't going to concede, he finally dropped it and we were able to move on to another subject. I know I'm going to have to defend my decision and lifestyle for a few years or more, especially to my family. I'm still looking forward to the time that it is not a major focus of every conversation. Even though it may never be accepted, I know that some day they will again see past our glaring differences and once again just love me for who I am like I do them. |
| Every Shabbat seems to be full of learning, laughter, tears, prayers, songs, questions, and the longing for it never to end. Unfortunately, like Robert Frost said, "Nothing gold can stay." The drive to shul started with the most beautiful sunrise. I started my drive before sunrise, but watching it rise was so beautiful. It started with a beautiful mix of red and gray. Then turned to a bright gold morning sun. The normal winter gray that followed was not gloomy enough to take away the feeling the sight of the sunrise left on my spirit. It was the easiest 3 hour drive I've had since going to shul. No near death experiences. I arrived at what I like to call my sweet spot. It is not too early but not too late. I know the prayers and service and can follow easily and don't feel like I missed my davening time before the Torah is read. There is something about the very start of the service that makes me feel lost and I miss too much prayer time if I come when the Torah is already being read. There are a few stories (life experiences of others) I heard over the past few weeks that I think will help those struggling to understand why I haven't changed my mind about converting considering the excessive amount of anti-semitism going on around the world right now. The first story is from a young man who spent time in Israel (multiple times). On one occasion, he was on the street. He had just bought a Coca-Cola and was struggling to open the bottle. A man saw him struggling and offered to help. The stranger took the bottle and began to beat the cap against the wall to try to pop it open. As he was doing this, a cab driver saw the man with bottle, stopped, took the bottle and opened it with his bottle opener. The cab driver then handed the bottle back to the stranger who was helping the young man. The stranger then handed the bottle back to the young man. Both the cab driver and the stranger left just as abruptly as they arrived to help leaving the young man standing alone on the sidewalk with his bottle of Coca-Cola. The second story is about a young man who was in the hospital for a few weeks. His mother couldn't be with him every day and strangers heard about him being in the hospital alone. The strangers then visited him and brought him kosher home made food. When they couldn't visit, they sent word to let him know when they would be there next so he wouldn't feel alone. The last story of the day is about a friend who was going through a very difficult experience, but stopped just to ask how service went for me today. He knows how much I love to attend shul and how much I love to learn and pray. To him, I can only say, "Thank you for continuing to be one of my lamp lighters." I watched the sun set on my drive home tonight. It was gold sinking into the earth. I saw the stars peak through the clouds. It was a beautiful drive home. Maimonides wrote, " It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior. Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds." G-d has given me a choice to choose who I want to be in this life. I want to be a good person who loves G-d and has kindness and compassion for all of G-d's creation, including people. I want to have a heart that wakes in the morning and goes to bed at night asking him for, "The words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart" to be acceptable to him. I know who I want to be around me and influence my behavior and deeds. I know who I want to be and who I want to be like. |
| As the feeling of being overwhelmed with information subsides, it is now easy to come up with questions. Like a child, I ask a lot of why questions. One of the many questions: Why do we use wine for kiddush? and if wine is so important, why is it okay to eat a piece of desert and say the mazonot instead of drinking the wine? I had never even heard of the substitution until last Saturday and no one has given me a good explanation yet. The fact that some of the explanations are contradictory is not surprising. Every question I have in Judaism (or about life in general) is answered somewhere by some sage or rabbi long ago. So it depends on the context of the answer as to whether their explanation actually answers the question I'm asking, or if it can be answered in a minute recording (what I usually get) or a link to an article. The depth of Judaism often leaves me with a simplified surface level answer and waiting to hear a longer more in depth and detailed explanation. I will wait patiently, because I know the answer will come. There are just so many questions and only so much time to answer them. There is nothing done just because. Everything has a purpose that leads back to honoring Hashem. When I get that answer, then I'll be satisfied. On a personal note, my daughter is home for the first Friday night in months. I started the cholent, made a cucumber salad, made desert, set the table, and will pick up some bread (I was too sick to make challah this week) on my way home. Shabbat starts at 5:00 here. It will a rush to get home in time, but I am determined to be home. Have a great and blessed weekend. |
| Tomorrow, when I return to work, there will be two battery operated candles sitting on a desk. I had to stay late on Friday and candle lighting was literally 9 minutes after I finished working. I went to work prepared to usher in the Shabbat in my classroom. I rushed to the teacher's lounge and put my dinner in the microwave. I went to my classroom and set up a table for my dinner with a small glass of tea and a water bottle. The microwave went off right before I lit the candles (well, turned them on). I said the brucha and an extra prayer for the soldiers and the hostages. I got my food from the microwave, sat in my room, ate and sang "Shalom Aleichem" which welcomes the angles. I had no wine for kiddush. I had no challah. I did not have my siddur to read any blessings or anything else. I did have my Tehillim book (one of my copies) and read some of that. It was a completely unorthodox but still a little bit of something to hold onto for the week and a wonderful time spent with G-d. I made it to shul on Saturday, just a little later that I normally do. They took the Torah scroll out of the ark only a few minutes after I arrived. I toughed the scroll as my American rabbi carried it around. My heart was full this weekend. Seeing the men in their tallit and hearing them chant the prayers, the children running around between the men's and women's side, the women praying and rushing to touch the Torah scroll, the women meeting to pray together, it is all such an inspiration to me and keeps me going for another week in a spiritually draining world. There were many who were surprised to see me there, though. I won't sugar coat it. The questions that I received last time I was at the Tehillim prayer service was repeated by almost every woman in attendance. When my response was, "absolutely, no doubt" they would just shake their head or say that didn't know if they would still choose to be. If I look at it through the lens of history as the Jews always being hated for simply the crime of existing, I can understand the questions. I don't want to be hated. Who does? When I made my final decision, I did think about that. I thought about what would happen if I was targeted and how it would affect my children. I'm sorry to my children if that does happen. The reason I can't change my mind is greater than the culmination of reasons and events that led me to this decision: greater than the book I wanted to read written in only Hebrew, greater than the kosher diet that I had looked into years ago, greater than the mikvah, greater than the community that I can't wait to be a part of, greater than the people I want to be associated with, greater than the questions that are answered that I carried around with me for years, more than my conversations with Driss years ago, greater than any other reason that I have mentioned previously or will in the future. The truth is I love G-d. When I made my decision, it was a long conversation between me and G-d. Many years long. I love G-d more than anyone and anything and that love is reciprocated back to me and is greater than anything on this earth. Nothing in this life is as important as the relationship I have with the creator of the universe. G-d knows that I am slow to understand some things, and he made it perfectly clear (quite blunt) that this is the path he wanted me to take. I trust G-d and will follow his will for my life even when I don't understand (quite normal for me) and when it seems that his will doesn't make sense to me at the time. When I pray to G-d and tell him that I have given him my todays and tomorrow, I mean it. I have no doubts and this pull from my soul is not something I can walk away from because G-d is not something that I can walk away from. I understood the danger before I told my friends and family (the family that I have told). I knew I was going to have to give up my job (which I love) and my home and relocate. I knew my friends (those that I have left) would be far away and that it would be hard. I know with the blatant anti-Semitism happening right now around the world that things are going to get harder. I know the small amount of hate that I've received from friends and family will grow stronger. I also know that I love G-d more than anything and though this has not been easy and will not be easy, I will not stop loving and trusting G-d. Like it says in Tihillim, the L-rd is my Rock and my Redeemer. תהלים יט יהיו לרצון אמרי פי והגיון לפניך הי צורי וגאלי May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before you, Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalms 19:14 |
| Of all the Jewish food I want to try, I admit I never would have tried Borscht without trust in GZ. Today I made my own version of Borscht. It was pink. Florescent pink. I was worried and thinking of what I might be able to quickly make if I couldn't stomach the taste. I took the Jewish recipes that I saw and combined it when the non-Jewish recipes that I found. I wanted to keep it vegetarian (still not trying to eat meat during the week). I dished a bowl, said my brucha, and took my first bite. It was delicious. The flavor was wonderful. I had eaten beets at my host's house for the high holidays but it was raw, so I had no idea if I would like it or how it the flavor would affect the other vegetables in the soup. Also, it was florescent pink. My recipe as I will make it in the future is below. I did add carrots to my soup this time, but it was too strong of a flavor and overpowered the rest of the soup. No carrots in the future for me. The only spices I added was Mrs. Dash (original), kosher salt, and pepper. Thank you GZ for all of the ways that you continue to help me on this journey. I feel privileged to call you my friend. Jeanette's Borscht Recipe 1 medium onion (diced) 2 celery stalks (washed and diced) 10 small red potatoes (peeled, washed and diced) 3 garlic cloves (minced) or 1 tablespoon minced garlic 1 giant (mine was huge) or 3 normal sized fresh beets (washed, peeled, and shredded) Original Mrs. Dash to taste Pepper to taste Kosher salt (very small sprinkling) Water (cover vegetables with extra water because the potatoes and beets will absorb some) Boil all vegetables in a pot for at least an hour until potatoes and beets are soft and the broth is florescent pink. Tastes great with fresh challah! Enjoy! |
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