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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Today is day 411 that the hostages have been in captivity. I was in synagogue during part of the October 7th massacre in Israel. I heard about it as I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the synagogue. The guard was listening to the news broadcast and keeping people updated. I remember feeling sad, lost and helpless. For weeks afterwards, people asked me if I was sure I wanted to convert. My response was always yes. On Sunday, I watched the movie We Will Dance Again. It is a documentary on the massacre that occurred at the Nova music festival. I had seen quite a bit of the footage already, but seeing it laid out in a timeline with even more footage of the before which I had not seen), more of the during, and more of the after was really hard. It helped me understand the true brutality and evilness of Hamas and all of those that participated in killing innocent, unarmed women, men, and children. I still don't understand how someone can hate like that, but I do understand that hate only understands hate. It doesn't matter your race, religion (multiple Muslims were tortured and executed as well), language, gender, age, job title, level of innocence, faith, allegiance, character, or contribution to the world because hate doesn't care. Hate only understands hate, and all that stand in its way of destruction and depravity suffer from it. Hate only wants to hate and can't even comprehend what is like not to hate someone. I can't imagine living like that. I can't imagine wanting to live like that or celebrate living like that. On Monday, I went to the Nova exhibit. It contained footage and recordings that I had already seen for the most part, but it also contained actual items from the Nova festival. After seeing the movie, the exhibit was a bit much. There were two burned up cars that came from the Nova festival. I knew that they had contained bodies, because the movie the day before said that every single shot up and burned car contained dead bodies. It was impossible to not step on the cars' burnt ash. Then at the end was a wall with the hostages pictures. There was a video of Hersh's mother talking. It was only day one hundred and something. She didn't know at that time that he would be murdered by his captors right before being rescued. His picture was on the wall. Also on the wall was the photo of Ori Danino who was taken hostage when he went back to try to rescue friends. He was killed along with Hersh. That was honestly a little too much. Over the past couple of days, I have dealt with sadness, grief, anger, a lot of anger, disbelief, confusion, sorrow, and a lot of questions. At the end of each day, though, I say, "G-d, I don't understand at all, but I trust you, and I love you." Do I understand why people keep asking me if I am sure about this conversion. Yes, I understand. However, we don't get to choose how we die, but we do get to choose how we live. I have never had such a close relationship with G-d like I do now. I love my close relationship with G-d. That alone is enough reason for me. |
| There are two things that happened this weekend that I need to mention. It seems this journey, regardless of how long I have been on it, has twists and unexpected surprises and experiences. 1. My daughter, A1, came over to spend the night. She wanted to come over on a Friday night, which is the beginning of Shabbat. On Friday morning, the Rabbi's wife texted me and asked me to come to dinner. I messaged my daughter and asked her if she was up for having dinner at the Rabbi's house. She said she it would be okay. Up to this point, she has seen me light candles on Shabbat, but that is it. She never attended a Friday night dinner, never heard kiddush, and never washed for bread. She willingly crashed coursed her way through it. She was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people there, and I worked to get her mind off of that part and enjoy listening to the talk, the food, and the singing. She helped with the set up of the food. She ate without complaining. She stood for kiddush and attentively listened (even though she didn't understand anything the Rabbi said in Hebrew or Yiddish). She washed her hands (with help on what to do and what to say). She answered questions and was polite. She was overwhelmed by the fact that we were there for 5 hours. She has never had a dinner last that long. I apparently warned her of the amount of people, but not the length of time that dinner would take. She was tired when we left, but didn't complain when we stopped at one of my friend's houses on the way home. She talked, relaxed there, and played with the dog. We stayed there for about hour before leaving. She accepted an invitation to come back next month during one of the nights of Hanukkah. It was her first experience with Shabbat (besides seeing me light candles when I first started). I asked her what she thought about it. I told her to let it sink in and the next day to tell me her honest opinion. This is what she messaged me the next day. "My opinion is that you're happy, and that makes me happy. You've found a family that you belong in and found a lifestyle that works for you. I enjoyed spending time with you and experiencing that with you. I look forward to next month." I love you A1, and I am so blessed that you are my daughter. 2. I attended two classes this morning. One with the Rabbi who laughs on keeping a Shabbos Kitchen, and one with the Rabbi that glows on relationships. These Rabbis and these classes are one of the reasons why I fell in love with Judaism. I love the constant reference to the Torah as to why we should do things a certain way and to why we should behave a certain way. Keeping a Shabbos kitchen isn't all about what you should do and what you shouldn't do, even though that is certainly part of it, but there is so many reasons why we do what we do or don't do what we don't do, and it all goes back to the Torah. I love that the Rabbi who laughs always brings things back to the Torah as the main reason why any rule is in place. The second Rabbi's class is only a few weeks long, but every key point referred to verses in the Torah as to why that attribute is important to possess and who showed that attribute in the Torah. On a weekend where I thought my personal life was going to be the main focus of the weekend, I am spiritually fulfilled today by the teachings of the Torah. The love of the Torah and being able to dive deeper into its meanings are why I wanted to learn about Judaism in the first place. The more that I learn, the more I want to learn. because the more I learn, the more that spirit feels full. The best way to describe the way that I feel when I attend a Jewish class full of Jewish wisdom is like this: Imagine you lost the keys to your house, not only the front door key, but every room key, every drawer key, every key to every appliance, and every key to every window. Then imagine that many, many years later you are offered a key to one of your drawers. You open the drawer and relish in the contents. That is how I feel after one class. I opened a drawer and get to relish in its contents. My entire conversion journey is like a house where every door is locked, every drawer is locked, and every appliance is locked. As I go through the learning of the kitchen, go through the holidays, and attend classes on Torah and Jewish Wisdom, I unlock another thing all the while growing closer to the owner of the house, Hashem. Today I feel as though I unlocked an entire room that full of books that I now get to read and enjoy and learn from. Why can't I be just a B'nei Noach and why do I need to convert? Because it's the people that you have in your house that makes it a home. My daughter is right. I am happy. I am also extremely thankful to Hashem for being able to do this. I understand that this life is not for everyone, but it for me. I thank Hashem every day for being here in this moment at this time and able to do this ang to get closer to him. Tonight I am going to the JCC (Jewish Community Center) to watch a movie on the October 7 massacre. After the movie, the director will be answering questions, and then one of the survivors of the Nova festival will be there to speak. I've been waiting for two weeks for this event, and now I don't know if I'm ready for it. |
| This entry is just a learning dump. I've learned a few things over the past couple of months and I don't know if I have written them down yet. 1. The 100 blessings a day is from King David when he said that his day was complete after blessing Hashem 100 times. It is possible to do so every day if you say the morning blessings and prayers, the Sacharite, Mincha, and Maariv, the bathroom prayer, each time you eat, and when retiring at night. It is not a meaningless something to do just because, but is a check to make sure you do all of your prayers each day. 2. I learned that there is a phrase you say during the repetition of the Amidah. I took my Siddur to shul last Shabbat so that I could mark the places. It just happened to be Rosh Chodesh, so we did not do the regular Amidah. I marked the places for that prayer anyway, and I will take it again next week. 3. The significance of the number 3 in Judaism comes from the classification of the 3 types of Jews: Kohanim, Levite, and Israel (everyone else). 4. Shechinah means the Devine Presence, not that I fully understand what that means. 5. Rosh Chodesh is supposed to be a women's holiday (every month) where women do less work or not work at all. I haven't heard of this, and I don't think anyone in my community follows this custom. If they do, I haven't heard about it. |
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