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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| For a Convert converting to Judaism, Christmas season cannot be prepared for ahead of time. All of the preparation and warnings and advice about the season is not enough. My Rabbi said, "Soft landing" when I asked him how I should respond to my family and friends during this time. "Let them get you gifts if they want." The problem is not only with my family, but with all of society. Any store I went to, any person that I passed, any stranger I passed, all said Merry Christmas. There was no escape from the decorations, the phrases, or the songs. The expectation to say it back is felt and the disappointment of not saying it back is felt and seen. Christmas trees are in every building (including public places and schools). There is no way to not know that the holiday is being celebrated by most of the country. Things I didn't do: I did not say Merry Christmas. I was kind and said, "Enjoy your holidays." After all, they are not mine. I did not decorate at all. I no longer own any Christmas decorations or clothing so that part was easy. I did not attend any Christmas dinners. I did not accept gifts on Christmas from my children. This may seem a bit harsh since they all still celebrate it as a time of lights and gift giving and family celebration, but they understood and honored my request to give me gift for Chanukah or my birthday if they felt the need to give me anything. I did not argue back with my dad. I let him be angry and respond but held my tongue and gave no response. I understand his passion for his faith and can't blame him for feeling angry at me for not living the way the rest of my (very large) family lives or believe the same as the rest of my (very large) family. I did not watch Hallmark movies (there are soooo many). (I have not watched TV in a while because I have been studying in all of my spare time). I did not sing Christmas songs. ( I did research the history of what happened to the Jews on Christmas instead). Things I did do: I let students do a Christmas countdown on their own for the month of December. It is their classroom as well as mine. Their culture matters in my room, because they matter. I did let students choose a holiday movie to watch the day before break (I was finishing a blanket for the crochet club to present to the principal for his new baby). I accepted gifts from students and parents and staff members before break. I showed appreciation because I know it meant something to them to make that gift or buy that gift. I understand that it is a way the way that have been taught to show that they care about someone. I am thankful to be so cared about. I did use my break from work to visit my children. I studied Jewish history. I spent Christmas eve learning Hebrew (Thank you GZ for spending those 5 hours with me) and part of Christmas day teaching Calculus. I am happy Christmas is over. There is no way to prepare for the stress of a holiday that is over commercialized, but there is a way to get through it. My friends helped me. It is always nice knowing that you are not the only person who does things differently than the majority of the population, but it is especially nice when you have a like minded person to share that time with. Not for a moment did I feel alone or rejected or shamed this Christmas for not observing the holiday. I was among friends. Thank you Hashem for your many blessings, your love, and your kindness. I love you. |
| Tehillim (Psalms) 66: 16-20 "Come, hearken and I shall tell all you who fear God what He did for my soul. My mouth called out to Him, and He was exalted under my tongue. If I saw iniquity in my heart, the Lord does not hear it. But God heard; He hearkened to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who did not remove my prayer and His kindness from me." https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/16287/jewish/Chapter-66.htm I went to shul today. I made it there at a decent time, though still not as early as I would have liked. The service seemed to go by so fast today. Maybe because I was so absorbed in it and didn't spend time overthinking (which I often do). The message was very good and echoed a recurring theme in my studies. This week's Torah portion was on Joseph telling his father that he was alive. The part that got me (and has gotten me before with Ester) is that G-d knew what was going to happen and sent help before it happened. G-d knew that there would be a famine, he knew that the Jewish people would become slaves, he knew he was going to rescue them, and he knew that he was going to be their G-d and them his people. He knew and he set up plan to save his people and unite them. Joseph never lost faith in the G-d of his fathers, and neither did the generations that followed. So many times we go through struggles and ask G-d, "Why?" We cry out to him for deliverance, strength, and mercy. He already knows what we are going to go through and already has help waiting. Before we even cry out to him, he has already saved us. He knows us. He knows our heart. He knows that we are going to ask for forgiveness and turn back to him and never lose our faith in him. Because he knows us, he listens when we pray. He loves us and knows our love for him, so he answers our prayers before we even ask. I know what the L-rd has done for my soul. For me. I know what he has saved me from. I know he has changed me . I know he hears my prayers and he answers them. G-d has told me over and over and over again the past couple of weeks that I am not alone in this. A Jew is never alone. Wherever this is Jew, there is G-d. Though I may not have technically be a Jew yet, I know that I am not alone in this. G-d is with me every second of every day. Thank you G-d for loving me this much. |
| Tomorrow I will be going to my uncle's house and cooking Shabbat dinner. He saw a picture of my pizza challah and wanted to try it. I made vegetable soup with matzo balls tonight so I am going to bring a little bit of that for him to try also. I will take my candles and welcome in the Shabbat while I am there and then break Shabbos by driving home. I do also plan on going to shul on Saturday. I am on break from work for a week and will be spending as much time with my children as possible before returning to work next year (meaning right after New Year's) and being absorbed in it over everything else. I am looking forward to the day that I don't have to drive three hours each way to get to shul and when I will be living there in the community. I have put in a few more applications this week so I'm hoping that I will have a job started at the end of this school year. I know if I hadn't promised my students to stay until I watched them walk across the stage at graduation, I would be in a new job and moved already. G-d, I am so grateful to you for all that you have helped me with and all that I know you will help me with on this journey. Thank you for loving me and guiding me and supporting me and helping me grow closer to you. I love you. |
Another thing I love about Judaism is the Torah portion of the week. There are books of the Tanach assigned for reading each week and read in the synagogue during Shabbat. This week's Torah portion (Mikeitz) was about Joseph becoming viceroy to Pharaoh and saving his family and the entire country of Egypt from starvation. The part that got me was (Genesis 41:19) Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, "That is beyond me; it is G-d Who will respond with Pharaoh's welfare." This is a young man who had been left for dead by his brothers, sold into slavery, falsely accused (from which he had to run away naked  ), thrown into prison, and left in prison for years. Not only did his faith in G-d not fade, but even after all that he been through, when things were too much for him, he knew that G-d would give the answer. I stayed home today from shul to have some TAWG time - Time Alone With G-d - uninterrupted by responsibilities and distractions from every day life. Every moment that I wasn't sleeping, I was talking with G-d. I needed some clarity on a situation, and I received that. I needed some time to grieve, and I was given comfort (which resulted in the cutest picture ever of my cat hugging me). I needed encouragement, guidance, and a reminder to be patient. Psalm 1 kept coming to mind today, so during my Shabbat meal, I opened it up and read it. When I started this journey (well the committed part of it), I asked G-d for a multitude of councilors that could help me "delight in the law of the L-rd." I have not used them as much as I know I should. I have a habit of trying to do everything on my own due to my issues of trusting others. This journey is not a journey I can take alone. It requires the guidance and direction of trusted advisors. Though I have been growing and learning (my Hebrew is improving, my bruchas are memorized, I'm doing more Grace after Meals prayers, etc.), I am not where I could be if I showed my faith and trust in G-d by utilizing the people that he has put in my life to help me. Every night before I go to sleep, I pray. I always have, but there is a bedtime prayer in the siddur (the bedtime one in the Artscroll is my favorite) that I feel is the written version my heart. The first time I read it, I didn't understand how my heart could be well written on paper by someone else's hand. It is full of thanksgiving, forgiveness, reverence, faith, worship, and trust. I trust G-d. I trust him to take care of me every moment of every day, including when I am sleeping. This amount of trust for G-d is great until I am asked to trust someone that he has put in my life. That is where I am struggling. It is true that horrific events in my past have caused me to have issues trusting people, but I can't stay there. I read in the book Wisdom to Heal the Earth by Tzvi Freeman (I've mentioned the book before), "As long as you're holding on to where you were yesterday, you are standing still." What does it matter if my Hebrew improves, if I go to shul, if I learn my bruchas, if I eat kosher, or if I convert if I do not grow closer to G-d in the process? That is what this entire conversion is about, worshiping and growing closer to my creator, my G-d. So, I will put into action the trust that I have for Him and let go of what is past. I trust G-d. If he has people that I know he has put in my life, I will trust Him to guide their council. If he trust them to be my teachers and councilors, then I need to let them do their job. I know you're leading me G-d, and I'm still following. |
| Every night I light the menorah, I thank Hashem for his miracles. Thank you Hashem for bringing me to this time in my life. I love you. |
| I had a bad week this week. I did a lot of struggling with family and friends this week. The long lectures from my dad became a bit too much. I wish my dad understood some of the words that came out of his mouth, such as, "I guess the Jews aren't going to hell for worshiping just G-d." Then in another sentence (practically right after), "Jesus is G-d." Really? Isn't the point of every religion to worship the one true G-d? How can you be angry for someone doing that, and in the next sentence give another G-d to worship. I am tired of the circular argument. I'm tired of statements that contradict one another. I'm tired of hearing about Jesus taking the place over G-d in worship. Or even the worse one that every time G-d is mentioned in the Bible that it really refers to Jesus (like he sent himself and prayed to himself to help himself?). Needless to say, that with arguing with everyone, I made some people upset with me and not talk to me for days. I will not apologize for my decision to convert nor will I bend to anyone trying to change my mind. I'm not entering into this lightly and I knew when I made my decision that it would not be easy. However, I will not stand for a few things: 1. Talking bad about me and Telling me that I'm going to hell is fine, but I won't stand for talking bad about anyone at my shul or the people who are amazing and wonderful people because of my decision to join them. 2. Calling the Jews a cult and that they recruit people just to kill them. This is so far off, I don't even know where to start. First, they DON'T recruit. Converting to Judaism is not an easy process. Jews have so persecuted that they need to make sure that the person converting has the proper intentions (That would be to worship the one true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. You know, the one that Christians claim to worship until they claim that it is Jesus). 3. I'm not quite ready to talk about this one yet. I'm thankful to have my Rabbi to talk to. He is supportive and helpful. I also sat and talked with someone after shul (for hours) and that was helpful too. I know that I am doing this alone, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone in it. Today is the 4th day of Chanukah. It was nice to see the menorah lit in front of the Chabad. I have been lighting my menorah every day and reciting the blessings. Chanukah is a family holiday (8 days worth of family and celebrations). Since I am doing this alone, and far from any Jewish community, it is a very lonely holiday. I want to celebrate with family, but they celebrate Christmas, not Chanukah. Maybe, someday. Until that day, I will eat (an enjoy because I'm a good cook) my home made delicious latkes alone. |
I was able to experience Rosh Hashanah with the community that I will be moving to in a few months. It was an unforgettable experience. One custom during Rosh Hashanah is to cook a fish and serve it with its head on. Some served only the head of the fish (as was the case in the place I went to)  . I can honestly say that I have been eating quite a bit of fish lately and have enjoyed the taste of it at every place I gone. However, if there is a custom or tribe that leaves the head on all year round, and I end up as a part of that tribe, I will never cook fish. I have only tried cooking fish once in my life - a fish my son caught - and will not feel like less of a woman if I never cook or serve a fresh fish. I still remember my rabbi talking about the fish heads during that time of year and said not to eat from the fish head because it contains worms. I don't think I will - or want to - ever forget that.       I had a dream last night, no not about fish. There were children running everywhere and climbing on things and crying and screaming. I was stressed and felt overwhelmed. I remember that feeling when my children were growing up. I see a lot of mothers stressed with their children's behavior but doing their best to hold it together. I remember that feeling and admire them for looking like they have it together and all figured out. I know I did not and do not think I could have pulled off looking like I did. Well, my dream didn't end with the feeling of stress and screaming children. It ended with a small baby placed in my arms. It was pure peace, and wonder, and love. I immediately started singing softly. That is how my dream ended. As I do with most things, I expected to go through this journey alone. I figured I'd hide in the back of shul and pray then leave, and it wouldn't make a difference. I thought I would find my way through talks with G-d, books, and still be able to keep people at arms length, but that is not the case. I had another argument with my dad. I was lectured for a long time about my conversion. I hung up the phone, slept a few hours and when my alarm went off, I contemplated not driving the three hours to shul. I told G-d, "I don't have to go every week, right?" and he answered, "Get up and go. You need this." He was right. I looked around more than normal during prayer and watched the ladies and children focus on the prayers. I watched the mothers with their children (that's how I knew they were extra stressed this week), I hugged more people than I normally do, I saw more smiles and happiness as people interacted with one another. The rabbis sitting together, pounding on the table, and chanting is going to stay with me all week long. As I stood on the corner of the street waiting for someone, a car drove up to the stop sign. The guy behind the wheel looked at my friend and I as we still there, and he shook his head and drove away. All of the arguments with my dad, the leaving my friends and job to move, and all other stress flooded back into my mind. I heard the voices of those that kept asking, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I thought about how different it must look from the outside. How different and strange it must be to see these people doing their weekly routines. I looked at my friend who was still talking and didn't seem to notice the man and had no idea what was going through my mind. Scenes from the past three months flashed through my mind, the faces of friends that I have made, my tutors, the holidays that I have celebrated, the lighting of the Shabbat candles, and I heard and saw the rabbis pounding on the table and chanting. "Yes, I do" was my reply. I walked to prayer with my friends and had a hard time concentrating on prayer. I read through the chapters three times or more as I was distracted by the sounds of children's laughter, fathers and their sons playing the basement, and seeing all the women sitting in the living room and dining room praying. As I am approaching my first ever celebrated Hanukah, I remember reading somewhere that, "A little bit of light goes a long way." These people have been an inspiration to me as I'm sure they have to most people they have met. With all of the negativity and misconceptions that I have heard and battled and read in the media, I feel privileged to get to spend time with these people and be inspired by them. I'm not doing this because of anyone that I have met. Not because of friends. Not because of the community I am moving into. Not because of the Rabbis that I have listened to in person and online. Not because of the people that have helped me so far. I'm doing this for the same reason that I started this journey. I want to have a closer relationship with G-d. That is what I asked G-d for. That is what started me on this journey and that is the reason I am still working so hard today. G-d doesn't just give you what you ask for when he answers prayer. He gives more. Am I getting closer to G-d? Absolutely. He has become the main focus in every aspect of my life from the moment I am aware of being alive in the morning, until the moment that dreams fill my head and my soul is refreshed and recharged. My relationship with G-d is becoming more than I ever thought it would be. The amount of light and encouragement my soul gets from my community, from my friends, from my rabbis, and from my tutors is enough to keep me focused on my goal of becoming a Jew. Thank you G-d for all the light I see while you are answering my prayer. |
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