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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| This was my first Shabbat since I have lived here that I did not have to work. I made dinner and stayed home. I didn't feel rushed. I made amazing honey glazed chicken and had a beautiful Shabbat dinner. For the first time, I didn't feel stressed when I read the Friday night kiddush. I pronounced the words in Hebrew well and only stumbled on a couple of words. That's good for me. I have always struggled with saying kiddush. Thank you GZ for building my confidence in my Hebrew ability. I've really enjoyed lighting the Chanukah candles this year. It is definitely different getting to light real candles compared to my electric one that I had last year. I still have my electric one as decoration on my kitchen table, but lighting the Chanukah candles every night brings a sense of peace to my soul that the electric one does not. I played dreidel for the first time. I struggled spinning the big heavy one, but the small ones I can spin no problem. It is quite relaxing and addicting to just spin the dreidel. I did get to go to the giant menorah lighting. It was inside a building, which was not expected, but it was a lot of fun. There was a magician at this one. There is one tomorrow that is outside in a park and there will a fire show! I was worried that Chanukah would be a holiday for children, and there are some aspects that are for children. However, it is a holiday that is filled with light and magic because of the meaning behind it. If I was a child experiencing Chanukah for the first time, that meaning would be lost in the activities and the childhood fun. The gatherings and activities, while they are fun, are only an addition to the meaning and the message behind Chanukah. G-d still does miracles every day. Every time I light the Chanukah candles, I get to remember the miracle of the oil, yes, but also the miracles all around me that I get to witness every day of my life. I am thankful that I get to experience Chanukah with my community at this point in my spiritual journey. Thank you G-d for this Shabbat and for the extra love, light, and peace that you have given me this week.   |
| Hello, my name is Jeanette, and I am addicted to learning. One day, just one day, we are not supposed to study Torah. Do you know how many times within that day I forgot and had to stop learning? Not once. Not twice. Multiple times. I understand the reasoning behind not learning on Xmas. I understand that learning Torah and Torah values illuminates the world and that is not a good day to illuminate. Do you know how many pagan festivals Xmas is derived from? However, putting that understanding into practice is not easy. I started reading the book next to my bed when I woke up. I listened to a Chabad video on YouTube when it came across my notifications. I turned on an Ark Online video. I had to catch myself repeatedly. I did try hard to not think about studying. What did I do most of the day Xmas Eve so I didn't study? Shop, of course! It turns out that learning is a lot less expensive, even when paying teachers to teach. I'm going to have to come up with a new strategy next year so my bank account doesn't cry. The big question that everyone asks, "Did you eat Chinese food on Xmas?" Yes, I did. It was very good leftovers from Xmas Eve. I got lucky and got an order in. The one kosher Chinese restaurant starts taking orders two weeks in advance for Xmas day! Although it was very delicious (and enjoyed with a wonderful friend) it would be easier (and less painful for my bank account) if I just make it at home myself. I haven't attempted to make my own crab rangoons yet, but I could have them perfected by this time next year. I volunteered a couple of hours at Chanukah Wonderland. There was a giant bounce house that was a dreidel. It was the coolest thing ever! It looked like this: https://www.jewfadz.com/dreidel-bouncehouse.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqdh8nf3CBrFtBxtqk... I imagined myself as a kid loving every second of it. Even with all of the cool crafts and exciting events (making olive oil out of real olives!), I would have spent a lot of time in that thing. I made latkes for when my daughter A1 comes to visit. I think I want to try a different oil to see if they taste differently. They were good, but I don't think they are perfect yet. Picture attached below. Today was the start of Chanukah, and for the first time, I lit real candles. I was not allowed to have real candles at my old apartment. There is something magical about the light of real candles and real flames. I didn't remember that I couldn't work during the time that the menorah was lit, and I cooked the latkes during that time.  I have my menorah on the right side of the door because I do not have a mezuzah. As I write this, I am now wondering if it is on the correct right side of the doorway. The right side coming into the house (since the mezuzah would be on the outside) or the right side of the doorway on the inside (like I have it) because it is on the inside of the house looking out to the street. Now I am overthinking. Way overthinking.  Picture below.Happy Chanukah!    |
| Christmas is coming up this week. My children haven't said anything this year about missing it. Instead, they have wished me a Happy Hanukkah. My oldest daughter, A1, is coming to join me for Shabbat and some Hanukkah celebrations with me. It will be my first full Hanukkah. Last year, I was only able to light the Menorah and that was it. This year, I am working at Hanukkah Wonderland. I'll never have the excitement of a child because I never experienced this as a child, but I'm hoping that watching and helping other children have the experience will give me at least of taste of what I've missed. I want to go to a Menorah lighting at least once this year. I almost drove across state last year to see one, but didn't quite get the opportunity like I had hoped. Living in the community is nice because I get to hear about the little traditions that I never would have heard before. Also the rules of Hanukkah that I have never heard and certainly never thought about. Because the Jewish faith wants to keep pure and have no sign of idol worship, like worshiping a person as a god, there are laws on Christmas Eve. There is no studying of Torah on Christmas Eve. Studying the Torah could give the impression of believing in the "nativity." To me it makes sense. The same way that men not shaving the hair by their ears makes sense. I'm hoping for a nice Hanukkah. |
| The 19th of Kislev is a holiday only for Chabad. This is the day that the Alter Rebbe was released from prison in Russia. He taught everyday Jews how to be Jews. He is the founder of Chabad and Hasidic Judaism. Today I went to a Farbrengen and dinner to celebrate the today. I learned that it is not only the liberation of the Alter Rebbe, but it is also the Chabad New Year in the sense that those who studies Tanya finished it and will now begin again. It is a fresh start to being a new person. It was a good dinner and enjoyed the company. I admit that I didn't understand everything that was said, but some of the stories were good. The food was good even though I did get picked on for not eating the tomatoes or mushrooms. After not eating the box of cookies that I was given earlier this week, I can say that I enjoyed kosher cookies for desert. It was a good night with a little learning and little bit of good music and a lot of good company. |
| I moved to the community to be more observant. This means that I am staying kosher at work as well as at home. It is not hard to do most of the time. Access to kosher food is so much easier here in the community than it was in the middle of the country. There has an overflowing amount of Christmas activities and group events to show Christmas spirit at work. I, of course, do not celebrate Christmas. I made snowmen for my classroom door and did a winter themed word scramble, and I even signed a card with the inscription "Happy Holidays." However, I could not drink the hot cocoa that was brought around because it was not kosher. I could not eat the candy cane they wanted to give me either. I feel bad, like I'm ruining their happiness by not accepting these things, but I can't. Yesterday a colleague brought me a box of cookies. She knows a little bit about kosher laws because she worked in a Jewish school. However, she doesn't know them all. She had previously tried to give me a candy bar that wasn't kosher and caught her mistake before she handed it to me. The box of cookies had a lovely inscription that said, "Happy Hanukkah." It was sweet. The cookies were decorated in blue and white with pretty sprinkles and swirly frosting. They were wrapped sealed with one or two in each pack. However, there was no kosher symbol on any of the clear packages, so I couldn't eat them. I gave them to my students. I feel so guilty. Like not accepting these things makes me a hypocrite. I eat kosher food. My kitchen is set up (the best that I know how) to keep the food I cook kosher. I buy kosher food from the store. I cook that kosher food in my kitchen. However, once I cook it, it is no longer kosher. My dishes are not kosher. I am still converting, so I am not a Jew. I cannot cook kosher food without it becoming treif (not kosher). Even though I understand that I am living as a Jew (the best that I know how). Every time I turn down someone else's food, I feel like a hypocrite. I don't want to eat non-kosher, but I don't want to be a hypocrite either. |
| I admit that I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. There have been times that I wish I could just sleep and study. However, I can't, and I need to get the balance between studying, living life here, events in the community, classes, and friends. I love learning, and there are times that I put off things that I shouldn't just to study a little bit longer or take one more class. My Hebrew is getting better. I am getting over my fear of my own voice and starting to make attempts even if I'm not sure that I am going to be correct. I'm usually close if I'm not correct, which is good. I can answer basic questions, put simple sentences together and read with nikkud. I have learned quite a bit in my classes with the Rabbi who laughs. Not only has he cleared up some misconceptions that I had, but I have learned things that I could put into practice right away. I get a bit discouraged that some things I can't do yet, since I am still just converting, but he finds a way to teach me things and help me apply those things in real life. It's nice. Not that I don't still mess up on Shabbos. I know I do, but that's kind of the point right now. I know when I do something that I shouldn't have done, I know how to fix it, and I know what to do to make sure I don't do it again next time. I enjoy learning about the kitchen and how keep everything kosher. While my friend was away, I learned right from the Shulchan Aruch with the Rabbi who laughs. I really enjoy learning from it. It is straight forward and so in depth. I'm taking a class on relationships. I was afraid to take it at first because I have no reason to take a class on intimate relationships, but it isn't like that. It is how to improve every kind of relationship. The women's group also has classes on prayer that I have taking once a month. I love that these classes have text from the Torah (Old Testament), poetry, and writings in Hebrew first and then translated into English. These tiny golden nuggets of Jewish wisdom in Hebrew is what drew me into studying Judaism so heavily. Hanukkah is coming up soon. It actually starts Christmas night. I lit my electric menorah last year, and that was really my only Hanukkah experience. This year is already different. I helped set up a bit for the Hanukkah Wonderland. It is a kids event that celebrates Hanukkah. There is a wall with large storyboards that tell the Hanukkah story in a way that kids can understand it. I wasn't excited for Hanukkah last year. I am this year. Living in the community is different. I will get to see how it is celebrated by families with children. I will get to light a real menorah. Hanukkah is everywhere here, and I love it. Life is sometimes overwhelming here. There are things that I miss because I am so busy working and studying. I still haven't had the chance to bake challah since I've moved here. I miss it. I love that I can go to the store at the corner and buy a fresh kosher loaf, but I miss making my own too. There were some kosher coconut bites that I bought on my way home when I lived three hours away, and I can't find them here. It's crazy because I can find everything that I struggled to find before I moved here. I love that I can get non-diary ranch, matzah, kosher mints glatt kosher meat, multiple kinds of kosher cheese, and kosher grape juice at so many different places. Why do I miss that one little thing that I can't find here? I don't know, but I do. Perhaps its the fact that winter is here, the nights are long, and days are short that has me feeling overwhelmed. Making it home in time to light candles on Shabbat is the thing that stays in the forefront of my mind every Friday. The wondering if I have everything I need for Shabbat dinner or the time to make it to whosever house I am eating at, or if I have the house prepared for Shabbat, and if I called and messaged my kids before turning off my phone for the night. It's a lot. But then Shabbat starts and there is a peace that I've never known before. Focusing on the dinner either alone or with friends is all that matters. It's a happy time, peaceful. I long for it and miss it when its over. Perhaps it is the end of the semester approaching and I still have 3 lessons to teach, review to do, and an exam to give. Perhaps its because I haven't heard from the Beit Din in months, not that I expect to hear from them or see them often. I just don't want to be forgotten, because I do want to convert. That hasn't changed. Perhaps it is the wars. The middle east used to feel so far away. It is literally the other side of the world. It doesn't feel so far away anymore. I say Tehillim (Psalms) for the soldiers and the hostages two times a week (or more). My email is flooded with stories of the war and the expansion of the war. Syria has fallen and is being taken over by rebels (good or bad?). Germany has government issues. Then there is Gaza, Lebanon, the UAE, Egypt, Iran, and the list goes on and on. All of these wars and issues in other countries never bothered me before, but when my world became bigger and my friendships became more diverse, the Earth became small. I know that Hashem is in control and he will have in power who he wants in power (even here in the US) and we can trust that he will do what is best for us. Life does sometimes feel overwhelming right now, but when I get this feeling, I stop and say a prayer. Praying is the one thing that has never changed and never will. I know where to find peace. I know where to find guidance. I know where to find strength to keep going. G-d is still my everything. I will always turn to him and find my refuge. Life can be a lot, but there's G-d. |
| I had my first Friday night Shabbat dinner at home a couple of weeks ago. It was nice, but it was not the same. I was so tired and just wanted to be able to go to bed early. I lit my candles and sang alone to bring in Shabbat. I said Kiddush (which I still struggle with) and ate alone. It was quiet. I stayed home from shul and prayed at home. I read the Torah portion at home as well. I missed synagogue, a lot. I slept a lot. When I didn't show up at synagogue, I had a friend stop by to check on me. Talking with her was the longest I stayed up that day. After Shabbat ended, I received a lot of text messages asking if I was okay. Being in a community is definitely different from what I am used to. I'm not used to so many people checking on me when I'm sick, or anyone other than my children. There is a lot of adjustment. I try to make it shul by a certain time because I know if I am late (which I have been from talking to someone in the community) that it will be noticed and people will worry. Before moving here, missing a week wasn't anything because they knew that I drove so far, and we didn't have the close relationships like we do now. My life right now revolves around my learning. Hebrew lessons 3 days a week, lessons on keeping a kosher kitchen and Shabbat 2 days a week, a class on relationships 1 day a week, a class on Isaiah and Psalms 1 day a week each, plus community events and Shabbat. Honestly, I don't want it to change. I like the learning and I like my focus on what I'm learning. Will I have Shabbat dinner alone again this week? I don't know. But whether I am spending the evening with friends or lighting candles in my own dining room, the love for Shabbat will be the same. I do love it here, and my decision, again, is to stay. |
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