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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I've been listening to the Jewish perspective on grief. The tearing of the garment is a reminder that only the body is gone and that their memories, lessons, and soul will live on. The memorial dates are keep connected to the loved one, but the timeline also requires the person to keep moving forward towards healing. I've never grieved going through the Jewish stages of grief, but I have seen others do it. The week of grieving seems too little. The month of not shaving or participating in joyous events seems to be a good distraction and a way to make them yearn for that period to be over (especially for the men who hate not shaving). The reciting Kaddish for eleven months helps the feeling of them being close while focusing on blessings and good memories. The one year mark seems to be an emotional roller coaster that ends in a feeling of peace. I haven't gone through this process myself yet. It is not something I look forward to, but I know I have people to turn to when the time comes. I'm so blessed. |
| I have been reading a book loaned to me by a member of the community. It is about a Jewish woman who became a Christian and then made her way back to Judaism. There is a lot in the book that I can relate to. The last sentence I read, the woman's best friend told her that she was going to hell and her sister (a Jew also) was angry with her for her decision. I can relate to having family and friends have this reaction and anger and worry. This week through lessons, emails, and reconnection with old friends, I have been reminded that every decision I make, and everything I do matters and affects someone. Even if it is someone I have never met. I didn't enter this journey thinking that it would be about anyone but myself. I was very wrong. I know that I am not alone in this journey. I now know that there are both Jews and non-Jews that are following my conversion story and relating it to their own lives. This week I faced some decisions that I had made when I decided to go on this journey and the effect that they had on others. I then was able to be grateful to Hashem for bringing me to this week to be able to see the growth that I had made these past two years. I also was faced with the anger, hurt, confusion, and healing that others have had to go through over these past two years. Some friendships were severed, and some mended, and some were just plain fun. I was affected by a lot of people this week, and I'm thankful for every interaction (positive or negative) that I have had. I trust you Hashem. I have a deeper relationship with Hashem than I have ever had in my life. There is no way to live a Torah observant lifestyle with earnest and not have a deep connection. However, I am a very stubborn person. It is not surprising that in my state of total exhaustion, Hashem throws my issues in my face to deal with. During any other week, I would have tried to deal with them all on my own, like I always do. However, I didn't have the strength this week. Deprived of sleep and peace of mind, my prayers started with the tearful prayers of my siddur and continued to the deep heartfelt conversation with the father I so desperately needed, and still do. Thank you to all that have shared their journey with me these past few weeks. Remember that you are also right where Hashem is leading you. Where ever you are, and whatever you are doing, remember that you matter, your journey matters, that Hashem loves you and will be there for you. He is listening. |
| The end of the school year is extremely stressful, but I have still been learning the Shulchan Aruch, studying with the Rabbi who laughs, learning from the Rabbi who glows, watching the Arc Online videos, going to synagogue, studying with a friend in the community, studying Hebrew, memorizing after bruchas (not going too well), and participating in community events. Sometimes, I feel like I have no days off. I look forward to my Shabbos nap. Even though there are times that I am absolutely exhausted and frustrated, there is still no place that I would rather be. Here's a picture from this week's women's event. G-d, I'm tired, but I just want to take a moment to thank you for all of the learning that I have done this past month. Thank you for all of the people in my life, good and bad. Thank you for bringing me here at this moment in my life. Thank you. I love you.  |
| There is no doubt in my mind that G-d leads me exactly where he wants me. I had the experience this past Shabbat to visit another local synagogue with friends. It was a lot smaller than the one I attend. There was a sheer curtain between the women's side and the men's side, but the men were situated in a way that they were not visible to the women. I could only see the Chazzen and the Torah. There were only 3 other women there besides the two women that I had gone with, and it was almost halfway through the service before they had a minion. That was a first for me. When they counted a minion, they went back and said the Kaddush that they weren't able to say without a minion. The Chabad was so small, that we ate kiddush at the same table that we prayed at. Sitting at a table during services was also a new thing. There were paintings on the walls which are not on the walls in my Chabad. Physically, the paintings, the kitchen tables where the women sat for services and the fact that everything was on one floor were the only real differences. I really liked that the men carried the Torah scroll onto the women's side. I have never been so close without a barrier between me at it before. I still only touched it with my Siddur, but it was still something I wish my synagogue did. I liked that I could see the men reading the Torah during the service. Being able to see it, not only when it is lifted up, was an amazing experience. I'm glad I was able to experience that. I came into this conversion thinking I was doing it alone. I didn't know anyone, and everyone was leery of me as a newcomer. Just as I was leery of them. I can't imagine having started in a synagogue this size. I do not like to be the center of attention. Because the synagogue was so small, and because I was the new person there, I was the center of conversation with the women. It wasn't so bad because there weren't very many, but I can't imagine how I would have felt if that was the first synagogue that I had attended. I'm now glad that I was able to have time to process and get used to the surroundings at the synagogue I currently attend before I was questioned to death by all the women there. I remember being overwhelmed by the large amount of people when I first started attending my synagogue, but it gave me time to adjust before people started noticing that I was attending regularly. I wouldn't have had that at the small one I attended this past weekend. I met the Rabbi and he was very kind. I was told by multiple people that he was kind. They were right. Overall, I'm glad I went. I wouldn't mind visiting another synagogue every once in a while, I admit, I'm happy to return to my synagogue for services next week. |
| I'm doing something new this weekend, and I'm nervous about it. It is something that I have been wanting to do for a while, and I finally have the chance! After Shabbat, I will say what it was and how it went. Have a peaceful and blessed Shabbat. |
| Tonight I went to a women's event about the mikvah. Though it seemed more of a pep talk to encourage married women to use the mikvah, I did still learn a few things. There are women that have asked me questions that I didn't know the answer to. I never felt it was my place to ask, because the questions would have to be asked in a way that no one would know who I was asking the questions for. Then there is the possibility that I don't see the person for a while, and it would be just a weird thing to bring up randomly in a conversation. So, I never asked. I do still have questions, but again it is because of other people asking me and not because the situation applies to me. There was a woman who was no longer menstruating and was divorced. She never used the mikvah even after having kids. She wondered if she was able to use it just once as a spiritual cleansing. I told her that from what I understood she could and that she should talk to one of the rabbis to see if she can do that. I learned tonight that the one last trip was encouraged because it still brought blessings upon your children for generations. I still have questions, but not because any of them actually apply to me. I don't even know if there was a real point in me going to the event to hear the speaker about the mikvah. I don't know that I will ever actually use one. I'm not currently married or even dating anyone. Who knows if I ever will even after my conversion is complete? I have heard that the mikvah has special healing powers. That women get more out of it than just being able to have sex with their husband. It's so much more of a spiritual cleansing. There is one question that I would like to know the answer to more out of curiosity and concern. I think about all of the women who lost their husbands during war. Once you become a widow, does that mean you no longer get to go to the mikvah? I just can't imagine these women who are going to the mikvah to be observant and bring blessings on their families only to lose their husbands and the one mitzvah that meant so much to them. It hurts my heart to think of the amount of loss, both physically and spiritually. I don't know that I need answers to any of my questions. I am only learning for the sake of others right now. Though that isn't a bad thing to do. I always thought that there was so much more to the mikvah than what I heard tonight. That it was so much more than just going so you can be intimate with your spouse. Although that was a part of it, it was more than that. If women go to bring blessings on their children, then is it only if they went before they had their children or while pregnant with their children? Seems like a waste of a lot of years after that. I don't know. Maybe the mikvah is just for being intimate with your spouse when you're young enough to have children. Or maybe I just don't understand the purpose of the mikvah yet. But then again, I'm not even sure I'll ever need to. |
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