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This BLOG is duplicated from my website and can be pretty random. Philosophical. |
| I have found that the writing I initially did for therapy and catharsis has been of some interest to others so I started a blog on my personal website. I will be copying those here to get feedback as well as entertain. |
| Ethics is, by nature, a complicated subject of thought or study. My personal view of ethics, or morality, has changed throughout my lifetime. I can see that much of what I thought was right or wrong over the years was based mostly on my needs and much less on societal or personal morality. In other words, if I wanted something or wanted to use something to make myself feel differently I would irrationally justify it based more on my perceived need than whether it was right or wrong. This brings up numerous questions I have asked myself over the last few years on my journey of self-discovery. Probably the hardest and most important part of the journey was to admit to myself that I had made conscious decisions to act immorally. I had never been able to look at any of my behavior or consequences with any real degree of honesty until I worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 steps were a wonderful tool to look at myself with. The only real ingredient needed was rigorous honesty. I found the honesty out of desperation because I did not want to drink again, and the steps seemed the only way to stop. All I wanted at the time was the magical removal of the obsession to drink that was promised if I worked the steps. What I found was a set of tools to deconstruct my past life and past behavior objectively. It was by no means easy, but I feel that I got a lot more out of it than I put in. Throughout my life, I had known, mostly through religious teachings and research, that if I could take an honest look at myself and make amends things would be ok. I always heard in the church that I should repent, and I knew that was a good and sound idea I just did not know how, and the church never seemed to have any answers on that part. At least none that I could understand or follow. I thought that many of my fellow churchgoers were putting on a good act and had no more of a clue of what it was all about than I did. Either way, the church never did all that much for me. What I have found in recovery is that I never put the action behind my assumed morals. As I worked through the steps in recovery I began, mostly through steps 9 and 12, to put action behind my words and intentions. The simple act of telling someone I knew I had harmed them and making a meager start at amends, step 9, suddenly relieved me of my self-imposed mental prison. Then when I was willing to help others through step 12 by sponsoring, telling my story, and showing up at meetings I began to feel that power that the Big Book and the Christians had talked about. With that power at my disposal, I was able to begin to look at my decisions and behavior through a moral lens and see myself for who I really am. What I have found also is that through the power of the steps I was able to put my past to bed and not continue to let it run my current life. With that settled I can generate more ethical thoughts and behavior based on a better, to me, moral code. I think I have always had an innate sense of right and wrong but that never seemed to stop me much and I just did what I wanted. At first, I saw that behavior causing me more trouble and harm than good. So initially I was going along with and imitating the people that I felt were good or moral such as my sponsor. As I began to get better results and rewards with this new behavior it started to become my new normal. Now that I was beginning to conform my behavior to a more societal and personal moral code I started to evaluate my reasons for doing the things I did. This is where I was able to look at my true values and beliefs. My friend and therapist Alan always used to say that I needed to bring my values to a current status and I could not figure out what that meant, and he would not spell it out for me. Today I understand what he meant. To bring my values to a current status means to bring my actions in line with my beliefs. When I was acting against my beliefs I was always in conflict with myself. Much like a couple that is fighting and bickering they are therefore not effective and make poor decisions. In the same manner, when I am in conflict with myself, I am not effective and make poor decisions. When I begin to act in a manner consistent with my beliefs I am no longer in conflict and that harmony continues to expand and my behavior and decisions continue to align with my true nature. As Shakespeare wrote the lines for Polonius in Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man” if I am true to myself I cannot be false to others because I would no longer be true to myself. Now this is all well and good if I only look at my personal ethics and ignore societal ethics. From where I am looking today my personal ethics seem to line up pretty well with most of society's more generic moral code. As for the rest of society’s morals, my personal morals are a bit at odds with some of them, but then again I do not agree or conform to all of society's norms anyway. |
| 7 years ago, I sat in the pharmacy parking lot looking at 2 little pills. They were the hormone replacement medications I had been prescribed earlier in the day. My mind raced over the possibilities and also the consequences. I had done a tremendous amount of research and thought I knew what I was getting into. I think back often to the scene from The Matrix where Neo chooses the red or blue pill. There is a running joke in the transgender community that we chose both pills and I guess in some ways that is true. I say that I thought I knew what I was getting into because the changes that have occurred in my body, mind, and emotions over the last 7 years have been dramatic, to say the least. The hormonal changes have altered my entire way of thinking and behaving. The changes to my mind and how I think were the most surprising and eventually the most rewarding. I figured I would grow some breasts, lose some hair, and soften up a bit and that was that. Was I in for a surprise! Over time, yes, I did grow breasts, change my body hair patterns, and soften my skin and muscles. The other changes are very difficult to describe because I cannot relate them to anything else. The changes I have gone through because of “taking the red pill” have happened mostly so slowly that only in hindsight and looking back at past pictures and writing can I see them. At the time I did not realize it but during the first few months, my brain structure changed so much that I had a lot of trouble with thinking and remembering during the process. In fact, according to the National Institutes of Health – “Taken together, the above six studies suggest that even relatively short-term administration of GAHT influences the gross morphology and white matter microstructure of the brain in such a manner that trans individuals become more like their identified gender with respect to these brain outcomes.” (Nguyen et al., 2019) Along with that, there has been a plethora of other changes. My skin has softened so much that I have to be more careful to avoid scratches and other injuries. My muscle structure has changed as well to the point I can no longer pick up objects that I once could have. Early on these changes took some getting used to because the mind takes a while to catch up. My brain still thought I could pick up an object and my body would try to respond only to fail or even pull a muscle. The mind is amazing though and has caught up now with the changes and I know my limits as far as strength and skin toughness. One of the most astounding things that happened was realizing how much the fat distribution changes altered my buoyancy in water. Women’s bodies have a much higher fat-to-weight ratio, so we float better. Not having ever encountered this the first time I got into a pool after transitioning I was shocked at how I floated. I could not get to the bottom of the pool! I had been on hormones for probably about 3 years at that point and had not been in a pool since I started. By far the coolest part of transitioning genders is the opportunity to see both sides of the coin. I had guessed but had no real idea of how different men’s and women’s breasts are. Other than the obvious size difference women’s breasts are not only much more sensitive the sensitivity is of a different nature as well. IYKYK! Also, I now know the difference in strength, softness, and sensations that our bodies have. The list could go on and on but I have knowledge and experiences that very few have been given. It is kind of funny that now as I sit here years later thinking about it, the changes are all just natural and assimilated. I do not think about the changes anymore and am just at peace. Much like any young girl going through puberty, I remember wondering how everything would turn out. I remember trying to force things and would wear lots of makeup, get my nails done, and color my hair. Like any little girl, I was trying to force and speed up nature. What I realize today is that I have become like any other woman as far as preferences and style go. I rarely wear makeup, have not gotten my nails done in quite a while, but I do still color my hair just not as often. In other words, I have nothing left to prove. I just exist. On the other hand, you will rarely see me in pants and there is usually a reason like working outside or something. I just prefer skirts and dresses because they make me feel free. Finally, I do not know what I thought I would find at the end of this journey. I just knew that I had to face my truth, or I was going to drink again and that would have been fatal. Even if I had stayed sober I would probably have taken my own life because of the pain and confusion of gender dysphoria, as so many of us do. What I did find at the end of this journey is just me, a little freer, a little prettier, a little softer, but still just me. Gender Dysphoria - Gender dysphoria is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity. This sense of unease or dissatisfaction may be so intense it can lead to depression and anxiety and have a harmful impact on daily life. GAHT - gender-affirming hormone therapy. References: Nguyen, H. B., Loughead, J., Lipner, E., Hantsoo, L., Kornfield, S. L., & Epperson, C. N. (2019, January). What has sex got to do with it? the role of hormones in the transgender brain. Neuropsychopharmacology : official publication of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6235900/#:~:text=Taken%20together%2... |
| Sober living has saved my life to be sure, but it definitely is not for everyone. I have lived in some type of communal living for most of my life, so it was probably easier for me to adjust than most. My first experience with communal living was when I was 11 and went into an orphanage because my mother abandoned me. I was young enough and already a chameleon, so I seemed to take to it pretty easily. I would go back to my mother for a year and a half and then was placed at a “Children’s Home” in Denver after she called the cops to tell them she still could not handle me. They still did not have anything they could arrest or incarcerate me for, so they placed me in a institutional type children’s home. There we were subjected to all types of abuse. From beatings from the staff to the staff ignoring actions by other inmates. I say inmates because we were treated as such. I would go on to be placed back with my mother or grandparents many times but always wind up being placed in another institution, group home, foster home, or other communal type environment. I never had the experience of living a normal home life and had no siblings, so I was always a loner in a crowd. I learned to not trust and be ready to fight anybody. Eventually I wound up in a psychiatric hospital for about 18 months and then broke out of there and hurt my mother. I was then placed in youth corrections for 2 years for that. The youth corrections facility was the final straw and capstone to a life of powerlessness and violence. But, unlike the other places I had been at Lookout Mountain School for Boys was a whole new experience. In reality it was a prison and several inmates were killed or severely beaten while I was there. After I survived all of that, anytime I have lived alone has been disastrous. After a few years of living alone I got married and at least had my spouse and later on children. I also became a firefighter and later paramedic and those jobs also came with communal living at work because we worked 24 hour shifts. I think I was able to adapt to that easier than most as well due to my previous experiences living with others. Fast forward to getting sober, divorcing, and eventually moving into an Oxford House sober living home. I have really thrived there and again my past comes in handy to allow me to adjust quickly to the trials and tribulations that can come living with others. When you add in the fact that we are all addicts and alcoholics it can become very complicated. The biggest problem I have encountered with living in sober living is that we are all relatively unstable and can be very manipulative. With that comes cliques and schemes from many different angles. From trying to get the house to purchase self-serving unnecessary items to evicting someone you are beefing with, to contagious negative addict type behavior. To do well in sober living takes a tremendous balance of common sense, patience, and selflessness. If you are particular and always want things a certain way you will most certainly fail. You will either get evicted or corrupt the house. When houses fall away from the original model and become corrupted then the eventual end is almost always the same. It very quickly becomes a trap house instead of a sober house. All of this may sound very negative but my experience with sober living has been very good overall. I am one of those people that can initially have a negative reaction or opinion of something and then change my mind after some reflection so many people that have been around me may think I dislike Oxford House. As I said earlier I do owe sober living my life and do not see leaving without a compelling reason. |
| You know, I have been in and out of therapy my whole life. I can remember my mother dragging me to counseling as young as 12 years old. The counselors I saw in the 70s were all women, dressed very provocatively, and were very progressive. Psychotherapy was still in its infancy for the common folk like us and it showed. I remember they were always “going to try something” and when there was no change try something else. I remember they did stuff like recording me speaking on these tapes and disks and then listening to it back. I am not sure what we were supposed to get out of it, but I never had any improvement. I guess the crux of the problem was no one ever told me why I was in therapy or what we were trying to accomplish. My mother would take us down to this building behind one of the big hospitals in Denver and I am pretty sure she saw someone as well when we were there. She most definitely needed to. Years later after having an education in counseling and counseling theories, I can see some of the stuff they were trying but they were way off the mark. It was all new and I think they figured if they did the stuff they were taught it would all work out. The thing is, they had no idea what was really wrong with me and never asked the right questions. They came from this place where counseling knowledge and theories of the day based everything on the patient being flawed in some way or having fallacious thinking and could be fixed. What I know today is that I was damaged and needed repair not reprogramming. They tried though. My mother was desperate to find something to fix one or both of us. She had to know the stuff she was doing with me at home, physical and sexual abuse, was the root cause. I think she was hoping these counselors could fix her or repair me. In the end, I just had a lot of weird talks and experiences with all these nice yet presumptuous ladies. I saw a handful of therapists over the years in attempts to fix myself but in the end, none of them truly did any good. Probably because I was never honest with them and did not understand the problem myself. Fast forward to me getting sober and beginning to understand the problem and actually wanting to get better. I had to want to get better enough to finally be unconditionally honest with my therapist. The only therapist to really help me was Alan. I think a good part of it was his empathy and giving of himself as well because he would be exhausted by the end of most of our sessions. When Alan died suddenly from Covid I was again adrift and left halfway through our work. A local mental health clearing house helped a bit, but they just want to throw meds at everything and make monetizing diagnoses. The therapist there also abandoned me with only two weeks’ notice. Abandonment and betrayal are my worst triggers to boot. I finally found another therapist who could handle my complicated situation and she did help me a lot but, in the end, she was worse than all the rest because she abandoned our therapeutic relationship without notice. I do not think I have another trust in me at this point, so I have been going it alone for now. I am writing an autobiography and that seems to be the best therapy for me right now. I am not wanting to discourage anyone from seeking therapy because I do firmly believe in it. I am saying to make sure you get a trustworthy counselor and get a commitment to not abandon your case without at least a separation plan. |
| I was looking back at my 2019 posting about 2018 and I see a pattern. Each year I am relieved the last year was over like it was the years fault or something. This year is different. I would not want to go through a year like 2023 again for sure but it is all up to me. 2023 started out rough. I was on a leave of absence from my job and literally had to do nothing and still getting paid. Unfortunately, I was also very socially isolated because that same leave of absence separated me from almost everyone I knew at the time. I was surrounded by some very good ladies at OH Dawson though and they loved on me until I could love myself again. In January I resigned from the coolest job I have ever had but it was also the job that almost consumed me. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it they say. For several months I struggled to find work. No one would hire me with my criminal background still. Well almost no one. I had applied at numerous rehabs and shelters. At each one I would have a terrific interview and would leave with the feeling I had the job. Then I would get the call or have to call them until someone would talk to me and be told HR said no. I had applied for food delivery and been turned down by all but Doordash and they were going back and forth with questions about my history, so it looked grim. Finally, right before St. Patrick’s Day weekend I got the text welcoming me to Doordash! I made my car payment and back rent in one weekend. Right after that another employer called me, the San Antonio Aids Foundation, SAAF, about working in their transitional living home. I kept dashing and started part time at SAAF. Everything was turning around finally, and I realized that most of it had to do with my attitude. So, for most of the year I was still resisting going back to a regular full time job but once I did I am as happy as I have ever been. All my bills are paid, I have a regular schedule to follow, and my life is peaceful. When I had everyone’s dream of getting paid to do nothing I was miserable. Then, when I did the one thing I did not want to do I was happy. Go figure. So, what I learned from 2023 is that I am happiest when I am doing the right things whether I think I should be or not. Like I said, it is all up to me. If I am unhappy it is my own fault and I have to look no further than my decisions to see where the problem lies. |
| My oldest memories are of my Grandparent's home in Aurora Colorado. I remember getting hurt outside on a blanket, I must have rolled onto the grass or got stung. I had to be a baby. I remember falling down my grandparents’ blue stairs leading into their basement, I had to be less than four years old. To me, this shows that traumatic memories are the most imprinted and endearing. I have also come to believe that the pain and dysfunction that trauma creates never really goes away. The law of conservation states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another. Therefore, I believe that my life energy, the thing that turns this computer made of meat into a personality, is the same. Energy and water will take the path of least resistance. I believe that the path of least resistance for me in many of the most extreme events of my life was to flow into a new tributary, or personality if you will. Like flood waters overtopping a levy or bank, many of the events in my life overtopped the ability of the personality running my mind to cope and my life energy created a new personality to handle it. Now this brings up a very interesting and, as far as I know, unanswered question. Since this process is very similar to loading new programs into a computer, where did the programming come from? It is my opinion that my life force comes from outside of me and is in some way divine, so therefore I already had access to the programming. Why and how this power is available to me only at certain times is a question for another day, but it suffices to say I believe in the direst moments of my life my life force tapped into a source I cannot otherwise see or sense and transformed into a brand-new personality. |
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