%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
A version of me has been here before. Not this version. |
|
This is my......bazillionth blog. Maybe it will last... Wish in one hand...  
|
"Blogging Circle of Friends "  Day 3730 January 25, 2025 Snow can change the way light, shadows, and contrast appear. For example, snow can create a beautiful contrast between golden ornamental grasses and a blue sky. Your thoughts on snow... I love the snow. Currently, in my area of the world we are emerging from a blanket of snow. We even got snowed in the house for two days. Love the kind of snowed in where you open a door and are confronted with eight inches of packed snow at your feet. Glorious. To me snow represents everything my mind is not but strives to be. An all-encompassing quiet, stillness, brightness, softness, slowing…and yet able to build. Plus – the visual aesthetic of snowflakes in the air is so pleasing to me. Last week Kid B turned 11. Eighteen days before that Kid A turned 17. In six days, I will turn 46. This time of year is often a season of change at my house. Or at least it has been for the past 11 years. All three of us are at life stages where we can become a new thing and hopefully this year we can do it. Hopefully it is finally time. I think many people would be spending this time of year floating in that state of emotion that is both sad and warm, thinking fondly of when their children were young and realizing how long ago that really was. I have some of that. But I have more of a different thing. A quiet introspection that is less pleasant. How much of my life I now file as a waste of time, of energy, of love. How little may be left to construct what I have wanted all along and how different that would be forced to look. How dissatisfied I am with what I turned out to be, what I ended up dong with my life. I am also under no illusions that I have been a great mother. I used to hate when my mom would say “I did my best” and I still kind of hate it but, but I reserve a small percentage for surface understanding. I get why one would say that, I get that feeling of knowing you didn’t do the best but that you tried. I can say that as well. I feel like most people who say that they did their best know that is not true. I know it. Did I try? Yes. Did I try hard? Yes. Were there countless times I chose something selfish or lazy or lied to avoid something? Yes. Were there countless times that I knew right then in the moment that I wasn’t doing my best? Absolutely. Rewriting my parenting history is insulting to my children, even though they don’t understand that yet. No idea what words I will use when it is time, but they won’t be “I did my best” So then if I can’t help but get all whiny about no one blowing up balloons for my pity party, then let’s see if some worldly spirituality might turn it the fuck around. 46 can instead mean for me…. It represents the dream of the believer in the Koran. The Jewish people were constructing the sanctuary for 46 years in the Bible. And numerically the value equals Adam. Combining the meanings of 4 and 6 would make a person who can create a secure family base. In guardian angel world they’d be telling me to keep focusing on my life and soul’s purpose. ….so, most of that is about new beginnings…identifying them, building them, having them, maintaining them. And that fits right in with what I want to happen this year. (If I am being brutally honest – that is not what I expected to type. I was totally ready for something that did not align with my current state of mind. I am pleasantly surprised and…. surprisingly motivated.) But alas…I am still going to end this on the worst note possible – I have again run out of corn dogs. Not for the first time since I last spoke of corn dogs. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
