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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| Fighting like hell to find things I am grateful for. Life is a struggle, but we have to make time to find joy, or this will swallow us whole. So in an effort to start my week off the right way, here is my gratitude list for Monday. 1. Went to my brother's home to help clear out the garage of my parent's stuff, and found a bin of my Christmas décor, specifically- my nutcracker collection, and ornaments purchased in honor of friends we've lost. This bin has been "lost" in that garage for ten plus years. Coincidentally, it was in the stack of bins that my brother had told me was trash. I am so glad I decided to check anyway. 2. I am grateful for having just enough money to put gas in the tank for our trip there, and a cheap Del Taco lunch for myself, Rick, and my daughter. 3. I am grateful that my daughter was able to silence her own anxiety and interact with my brother, her uncle, for the first time in 3 years. I know it was tough for her but she did it. Not for the sake of mending fences, but for the sake of us getting through this process. I am proud of her. 4. I am thankful for my partner, who took care of me after we returned home. I was dealing with my degenerative disc disease in my neck acting up. He was patient and nurturing when I was in tremendous pain. 5. I am thankful that I found even more stuff to resell, and hopefully bring more money into our household. 6. I am grateful for friends who check in when I am quiet. 7. I am grateful for spurts of energy that allow me to complete big tasks, even if it takes me a little bit. 8. I am grateful for my ability to make decent meals with bits and bobs. 9. I am grateful that my mom had the foresight to take great care of the clothing that Zoe and my nieces and nephew wore, packing them away to be resold later on. 10. I am grateful for finding mementos from my father. |
| I am going to try my damnedest to remain in a gratitude mindset, so I am going to force myself to list my daily gratitude. 1. I am grateful for the food we have to sustain us. 2. I am grateful to have the medicine I have to treat the rheumatoid arthritis. 3. I am grateful for my therapist Lauren. 4. I am grateful for endless lists of cool/weird/awesome movies I have to watch. My list of movies I have watched since I met Rick has grown exponentially. 5. I am grateful for coffee. |
| This is my one refuge, where I can say whatever I am feeling and experiencing, without anyone in my life hearing me and being left hurt or upset about what I say. That being said... I am tired. Every single day, I am feeling like I have to manage everyone else's emotions and expectations. Having C-PTSD means I am hyper aware and focused on keeping the peace, or ensuring everyone is ok, fed, and cared for. I spend my days trying to work on my reselling business. It is my only way to contribute to our combined finances. Even when I try to tune everything out, putting my ear buds in, and listening to podcasts, I am faced with two other humans in the same room. When Rick isn't working or gaming on his computer, he is PACING. It is a ADHD coping mechanism, but the movement within my peripheral vision is constant and distracting. Zoe is on her own computer in my direct eyeline, gaming or talking to her friends, loudly. I try to power through. I sit at my computer and attempt working for about 6 hours a day. Some days, I would consider it a success. Not as good as it could be, but I give myself an A for effort. But after working through distractions, the kitchen, and entire house really, is a mess. Dinner needs to be prepared. Most days it falls to me. I have spoken to Zoe about picking up some of the load, and she has been helpful. But I also try to give her, and Rick, space to handle their own emotions and energy throughout the day. Both are battling their own wars, and I try to be understanding. But this morning... I made quite a few phone calls on behalf of Zoe and Rick. For Rick, I called our local community healthcare clinic and inquired about walk in availability and signing up for health coverage. He is in urgent need of medical attention that he has put off for YEARS. I felt like I had to take the reins and make the call myself. After that call, Zoe asked me to call our local Department of Social Services to inquire about why her applications for assistance have been denied. I was on hold for over an hour. When I got through to an agent, I explained the situation and asked for a status update. I was then transferred to someone else. That person told me that the case was denied because I had signed the documents FOR her. I explained to the agent that everything had been completed over the phone, and I had been successfully designated as her authorized representative, but even so, Zoe handled the electronic signature, and verification of her agreement to their rules and policies. The agent on the call this morning said that this situation was "weird", and the fact that we had not received any correspondence regarding the denial was not the way things are supposed to be handled. She explained that she thinks the worker we spoke to originally may have thought that I was impersonating my daughter in order to receive benefits, fraudulently. She laughed as she had just spoken to Zoe herself to verify her identity and she could tell we were two different people. She said she would message the worker to inquire about his notes, and would have him contact me. I asked if it would be prudent to walk into an office with Zoe in order to prove that their assumptions were incorrect, and she agreed that it would be the optimal action. I left that call feeling a ton of anxiety weighing on me. But there was one more call to make. This one was actually for me. I called a lab to make an appointment to have bloodwork done. Voicemail is full. Seriously? I call the main number and inform them that the office closest to my home is unreachable by phone. The person at the main lab informs me that no appointment is necessary. So I can walk in. So if you're keeping tally, that is THREE situations that call for leaving the house. All involve potentially long wait times. At that point, I am overstimulated, and make an impassioned speech to Rick and Zoe, letting them know that I am done making phone calls for the day, and am feeling a lot of frenetic energy. Enough that I took an Ativan to manage the building anxiety attack. I let them know that my reactions have nothing to do with them, but I am going to put my ear buds in, and listen to podcasts and work, and would like uninterrupted time to handle my own stuff. I think this frustration hit a ceiling last night, as I had stopped working to make dinner. But I had to wash dishes before I could attempt that. I was trying to make lasagna, and I was feeling like I was trying to handle too many steps on my own. Because of this, I made a mistake. I was trying to boil the noodles, and splashed boiling water on my right hand. Everyone panicked. I stood at the sink trying to get a little relief. Zoe stood staring at me with a worried look on her face. I wrapped my hand in a wet hand towel, and continued making dinner. Rick offered to go to the pharmacy to get burn ointment. At first I said it would be fine. He chose that moment to say, "Everything is terrible, and life is hell. We should just give up now." I ain't gonna lie... I saw red. I responded, "Right now? Seriously? Please don't do this to me. Not right now." He said the words I knew were coming, but dreaded to hear. "I'm depressed." I began crying. I started blaming myself. "What can I do to help?" It is something I say frequently. I feel like it is MY responsibility to help fix others. I am willing to acknowledge that it is indeed NOT my job to fix people. I should instead give them the space to feel whatever it is that they're feeling, because otherwise, it may appear that I am invalidating their experience. Rick left to go to the pharmacy and I continued to try to finish this damn dinner. But I was floundering. The pain from the burn was making it very difficult to engage in my usual mind over matter tactic. Rick made it home about half an hour later. He helped me apply the burn spray, and I took the opportunity to have a heart to heart. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. He reassured me that his depression has nothing to do with me. After our talk, we finished what would now be considered a Frankenstein lasagna. Noodles had stuck together, I only had one small can of crushed tomatoes to work with, and I had made one too many substitutions to make something remotely edible. In the end, we watched a movie while eating our actually pretty good Franken-lasagna. Today is chemo day, and I am historically tired, irritable, and dealing with the side effects. Instead, I am walking on eggshells. I need relief. Respite. Today is also therapy day. I will be talking to Lauren at 2 this afternoon. I look forward to her insight about how to appropriately handle everything. |
| I know I keep saying this, but I feel like I am screaming into the void. Yesterday was particularly bad. Spent the whole day feeling "off", like something is about to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just don't know exactly which shoe. Rick has not been feeling well. Sleeping a lot. Looking downtrodden. Not able to focus. I suspect kidney issues. He had kidney issues as a kid and ended up having half of one kidney removed. He has been complaining of weird symptoms, like hot feet for a bit. He doesn't have medical coverage and hasn't for YEARS. This man is EVERYTHING to me, and I cannot live without him. I am trying to get him an appointment at a community health clinic, but the wait is 6-8 weeks to see a doctor. My daughter has been here for almost a month. I am still struggling with how to help her. She cannot stay here indefinitely, and I know that is what she wants. She cannot work a traditional nine to five due to heart defects, scoliosis, asthma and severe anxiety. I just don't know how to help her. Our apartment is small, and navigating around small spaces and doing what we want to do can be tricky at times. She is a gamer, and is online from around 9 in the morning until 10 or later at night. When she is online, she is actively having conversations with her friends. It is hard to concentrate unless I have ear buds in playing music or a podcast to drown her out. I hate complaining, because a year ago, I would have given anything to have her here. I have tried to gently talk to her about it, but every time, I feel like she panics, which then causes anxiety in me. Rick's ADHD is causing him to not be able to concentrate, which makes him pace and fidget, and when that happens, he turns to gaming as well. Three people in a one bedroom apartment, all dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and health issues is a bit much for me this past week. It is hard to be productive when everyone around you is doing their own things. I am not operating efficiently. Not coming remotely close to reaching my potential. I have all but abandoned my writing and that makes me incredibly sad. But there is so much I *have to* do, that I feel guilty doing what I *want to* do. My new sewing machine has sat untouched, beyond threading. I want to get into designing my bags, but I do not have the capacity. I am fighting like hell to avoid falling into depression. We are having money issues. With Rick doing freelance work, there is no way to budget. We are getting to the point that we are going to have to go to a food pantry to supplement what we do have in our cupboards. At this point, the days are running into one another and I feel like I am just existing. There's gotta be more to life, right? |
| Today is Wednesday, which makes this another chemo day. Meds, the an hour with my therapist. Today, the pain and fatigue is too much. I came here to simply blog about what I am grateful for, hoping that act alone will help propel me a little further than my bed. Shall we commence? 1. the fridge, freezer and cupboards are full. I can whip up any number of dishes in matter of half an hour. That helps me feel like I am in control. 2. Rick and Zoe's care for me when I am feeling bad is top notch. 3. Libraries near us that have dvd copies of shows we want to watch that aren't streaming anywhere. 4. Chemo that is probably helping the rheumatoid reactions in my body. I am not thankful for the side effects. 5. Being oversaturated with things to resell that I did not have to pay for. 6. The ability to take cat naps. My circadian rhythm is quite generous to allow a mid day nap, and my internal alarm clock that wakes me after twenty minutes. 7. The oodles of cds and playlists I found from my past that are so good. |
| On the advice of my therapist, I am going to start talking about what I am grateful for. Five things, everyday. So here goes day one! 1. Tacos. Specifically, al pastor tacos served up in a Mobil gas station parking lot at 11:00 p.m. 2. Quality time with my daughter and fiancé. 3. Watching my friend group, that I was introduced to through Rick, perform in a variety show. 4. Friends who support me in my small business by donating beautiful clothing, shoes, and purses, for me to sell. This enables me to help support my household, without having to use my own capital in order to secure items to resell. 5. The way Rick and I communicate. We talk about EVERYTHING. If one of us is having an issue, we take the time to connect and talk it out. This is what unconditional love looks like. We grow together as a unit, daily. So there it is. My question to you is this: What are you grateful for today? |
| I have been doing nothing creative when it comes to my writing lately. Occasional blog posts are about all I can handle at this point. That's a damn shame. I am currently juggling ten balls at once and I am not a good juggler. There are so many things I would like to be doing, but something always pulls me away. Typical ADHD. I collect items in order to engage in my hobbies, and then I can never find the time or energy to actually engage. Having my daughter here has made our already smaller space even more tight. I gave her my desk so she can game, as she has an elaborate set up with two monitors. I am now relegated to the dining table. The area I am in is in a corner and I feel shoved into the space. The stuff I use for my reselling business is stacked haphazardly all over the table, along with my sewing machine, produce that needs to be cut and put into the fridge, and whatever else everyone has decided to place there as the unofficial holding spot. I have chosen today to rectify the mess. This comes just one day after we spent the morning/afternoon at my parent's/brother's house, cleaning out a once rat infested garage. It was dirty, and gross, and we had to wear work gloves and N95 masks just to be in the space. There was also the almost impossible feat of managing my own emotions surrounding grief, and loss during this process. Bins and boxes of collections and memories going in the bin. I managed to rescue my ex-boyfriend's art collection. We packed our car with what we could fit inside, which was too much, but never enough. So many mementos shattered into a million pieces. We made a dent. But again, it isn't enough. My brother, whose house we were at yesterday, and I are not really on speaking terms after his flub of sending me text conversations between him and his boyfriend, talking trash about me. At this point, I am keeping it short, but civil just to get what I want out of the house. After this is done, I am not sure I want a relationship with him. Period. This whole thing is putting a lot of stress on my fiancé, as well. We have had arguments about this. I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I am sad. My fiancé is currently hiding from me in the bedroom. Not really hiding, lol. Just staying out of my way. I am just gonna work on the apartment for a few hours and see what kind of dent I can make. Wish me luck. |
| I have a question for anyone who happens to read this... Have you ever walked in on people talking about you unfavorably? Or received a text meant for someone else that included disparaging things about you? I am living out that scenario right now. I am not quite sure how to proceed. This has the potential to destroy my family, so I am treading lightly, and have an appointment with my therapist today, where I will discuss what was said, and how I should respond. On Monday, I received a very long email from my brother discussing the progress so far on his efforts to clean out my parent's garage and house so he can move in with his boyfriend. I noticed that the email didn't sound like my brother wrote it. It was an exhaustive tome about how this is affecting HIM, and how he feels like I am not doing enough to help him. The whole email felt unnecessary, as we had already made plans with my brother to be there this weekend. This was old news. I kept reading to the bottom of the email, and noticed that it was indeed written by my brother's boyfriend, which had then been forwarded to me by my brother. What my brother failed to do was NOT include the rest of the message AFTER the original email that WAS meant for me. In the message to my brother, there was discussion about MY mental health, MY reaction to an emotional ambush they had pulled on me a month ago, and my mental stability. They talked about lying to me to further encourage me to come out and help. There was a lot more- including placing all of the blame on me for the absolute disaster in the garage and house after a terrible rat infestation, that occurred when I was not even living there. It felt like a punch to the gut. I sent ONE text to my brother letting him know what I had read. I told him that his claims about my mental health, the state of the house, and their decision to play two faced and present themselves as excited to be back in my life, while also stabbing me in the back, was categorical unfair. I was not angry. I was hurt, and I said it. His reply? "Maybe you needed to see it. I am not going to apologize, and I can't take it back." Can you say narcissitic personality disorder? He went on to berate me about how bad HE has it. How my reading their messages caused their first fight. You know the type... no matter what you are going through, they have it worse. ALWAYS. And if you are happy in any way, they will come along and punch you down. This has been my whole life. I have forgiven SO many serious transgressions at the hands of my two brothers. Grieve, forgive, rebuild, another issue? Grieve, forgive, and rebuild again. But this time? This time I have over two years of weekly therapy under my belt. I don't crash out anymore. I think. I plot. Then I execute a plan. I work in the shadows, and when I am through, we either come out the other side bruised but okay, or I go scorched earth, and I cease to exist in your life. This time feels like the latter. How much am I expected to allow? Metaphorically, it feels like I was not only thrown under the bus, but they have backed over me ten times. I will not respond to my brother until I have talked to Lauren, my therapist. My fiancé, friends, and daughter have all said it is time to block my brother, and move forward. But here comes the grief again. I have lost SO much to grief. Actual deaths in the dozens just in the last eight years, the loss of relationships, having to move pretty frequently in the last three years, each time having to leave precious things behind, the grief you feel when you are going through an impossible situation like homelessness, or your home being destroyed by a wildfire... It's a lot. I am not sure if there is healing that can be done together at this point. Their messages told me exactly how they feel about me. And it has me questioning every interaction, every event, every effort and energy that I have put into building a solid relationship with my brother. They are at the very least disingenuous. Two faced. Too quick to mock my mental health. I do not feel emotionally or psychologically SAFE with them anymore, and I am not sure that an apology can fix this. His boyfriend texted yesterday morning. I knew it was coming. He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Said he doesn't expect forgiveness. But he apologized. I left him on read. My brother texted today acting like nothing had happened. Wanting to know if I was coming out, also to say he was worried about our health, blah, blah, blah... I kept my replies short. Relevant info only. I am curious to hear what Lauren has to say.' |
| "I didn't follow the golden rule. I'm sorry." The words I said last night to my fiancé as I was having a very vivid dream. I have been plagued by dreams that wouldn't fall under the night terrors category, but I am talking in my sleep almost nightly. Rick, my fiancé reports back to me in the morning. I remember forcing myself awake last night. Rick was stroking my hair as he softly said, "You're okay. You're safe. I love you. You're beautiful." I turned over and was out again. I spent the whole of last deep in withdrawal from Seroquel, which I use for insomnia. There had been a miscommunication between my insurance and the pharmacy, which left me without my medication, and withdrawing. It was nothing short of terrible. Intense body aches, headache, extreme stomach pain and diarrhea. I called my psych and made an appointment. At first, the receptionist said they couldn't get me in until a week later. I explained my symptoms, and he scheduled a call for the next morning at 7:30. Daniel, my psych (yes we are on a first name basis) called before I even had a chance to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. He was empathetic, as usual, and figured out the issue with my insurance, and managed to find a work around that would give me what I needed. That day was scary. The abdominal pain was awful, and if I hadn't had the new prescription to take that night, I would have gone to the hospital, which I never do unless absolutely necessary. Rick picked my meds up after work, and thank goodness the re-introduction to Seroquel seemed to stop the pain I had been dealing with for days. To say I am stressed is a vast understatement. I love having my daughter here, and if we did not have such a restrictive lease, having her here on a more long term basis would be no problem. But the lease is a lease. So I have to make a plan for her, and I have ZERO ideas about how I am going to pull this off. I don't want her to feel alone or discarded. My only solution is to take her to my brother's and stay with her- killing two birds with one stone. We would have a break from having to hide her, and we could help my brother get moved out of his house. I hate being away from Rick, but I will do whatever I need to to ensure she is safe and ok. I think I am suffering from some serious fatigue. It has been triggering to say the least. |
| "Just deal with what is right in front of you, right now. Don't think too much about what is happening in the world. Just focus on yourself and Rick." My therapist and I have been working together for almost two years. When I think about the people in my life that I trust explicitly with my truth, my skeletons, there are three people. My therapist Lauren, Rick, and my best friend Debi. Know who's at the top of the list? You'd think I would say Rick, my fiancé, but no... It's Lauren. We have been having weekly appointments this entire time. Some people are okay seeing their therapist once a month. Oh, but not me. I am a certified basket case, and I require much more than that. She is a Godsend, truly. She has been there for me through so much. We have laughed together, cried together, and shared so much. I even saw her in public at one point, at the Doo-dah Parade of of places, but I did not want to shatter the professional relationship by approaching her and her fiancé while we are all out enjoying our day. I told her about it at the next session, and she told me to ABSOLUTELY say hello the next time I see her. We live in the same little alcove of Los Angeles, and it is most certainly bound to happen again. This lady has brought me back from the brink of suicide, through being forced to stay in a very abusive living situation with a friend, through a harrowing sexual assault that I was one hundred percent certain I would not survive, through a couple of less than ideal relationships, and finally to the point where I met Rick, and my life changed forever. I have done a lot of hard things to get through it all. Healing is not linear, and Lauren has helped me to recognize that working on our trauma and diagnoses is a never ending process. I have come so far in my life thanks to her. And I am confident enough in the work we have done that I have allowed myself to feel pride. Lately, we have been working on my reactions and emotions during difficult situations, situations that would have caused me to crash out previously, now find me dealing with things more appropriately. I am hoping we can continue indefinitely. We shall see. |
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