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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| Fighting like hell to find things I am grateful for. Life is a struggle, but we have to make time to find joy, or this will swallow us whole. So in an effort to start my week off the right way, here is my gratitude list for Monday. 1. Went to my brother's home to help clear out the garage of my parent's stuff, and found a bin of my Christmas décor, specifically- my nutcracker collection, and ornaments purchased in honor of friends we've lost. This bin has been "lost" in that garage for ten plus years. Coincidentally, it was in the stack of bins that my brother had told me was trash. I am so glad I decided to check anyway. 2. I am grateful for having just enough money to put gas in the tank for our trip there, and a cheap Del Taco lunch for myself, Rick, and my daughter. 3. I am grateful that my daughter was able to silence her own anxiety and interact with my brother, her uncle, for the first time in 3 years. I know it was tough for her but she did it. Not for the sake of mending fences, but for the sake of us getting through this process. I am proud of her. 4. I am thankful for my partner, who took care of me after we returned home. I was dealing with my degenerative disc disease in my neck acting up. He was patient and nurturing when I was in tremendous pain. 5. I am thankful that I found even more stuff to resell, and hopefully bring more money into our household. 6. I am grateful for friends who check in when I am quiet. 7. I am grateful for spurts of energy that allow me to complete big tasks, even if it takes me a little bit. 8. I am grateful for my ability to make decent meals with bits and bobs. 9. I am grateful that my mom had the foresight to take great care of the clothing that Zoe and my nieces and nephew wore, packing them away to be resold later on. 10. I am grateful for finding mementos from my father. |
| I am going to try my damnedest to remain in a gratitude mindset, so I am going to force myself to list my daily gratitude. 1. I am grateful for the food we have to sustain us. 2. I am grateful to have the medicine I have to treat the rheumatoid arthritis. 3. I am grateful for my therapist Lauren. 4. I am grateful for endless lists of cool/weird/awesome movies I have to watch. My list of movies I have watched since I met Rick has grown exponentially. 5. I am grateful for coffee. |
| This is my one refuge, where I can say whatever I am feeling and experiencing, without anyone in my life hearing me and being left hurt or upset about what I say. That being said... I am tired. Every single day, I am feeling like I have to manage everyone else's emotions and expectations. Having C-PTSD means I am hyper aware and focused on keeping the peace, or ensuring everyone is ok, fed, and cared for. I spend my days trying to work on my reselling business. It is my only way to contribute to our combined finances. Even when I try to tune everything out, putting my ear buds in, and listening to podcasts, I am faced with two other humans in the same room. When Rick isn't working or gaming on his computer, he is PACING. It is a ADHD coping mechanism, but the movement within my peripheral vision is constant and distracting. Zoe is on her own computer in my direct eyeline, gaming or talking to her friends, loudly. I try to power through. I sit at my computer and attempt working for about 6 hours a day. Some days, I would consider it a success. Not as good as it could be, but I give myself an A for effort. But after working through distractions, the kitchen, and entire house really, is a mess. Dinner needs to be prepared. Most days it falls to me. I have spoken to Zoe about picking up some of the load, and she has been helpful. But I also try to give her, and Rick, space to handle their own emotions and energy throughout the day. Both are battling their own wars, and I try to be understanding. But this morning... I made quite a few phone calls on behalf of Zoe and Rick. For Rick, I called our local community healthcare clinic and inquired about walk in availability and signing up for health coverage. He is in urgent need of medical attention that he has put off for YEARS. I felt like I had to take the reins and make the call myself. After that call, Zoe asked me to call our local Department of Social Services to inquire about why her applications for assistance have been denied. I was on hold for over an hour. When I got through to an agent, I explained the situation and asked for a status update. I was then transferred to someone else. That person told me that the case was denied because I had signed the documents FOR her. I explained to the agent that everything had been completed over the phone, and I had been successfully designated as her authorized representative, but even so, Zoe handled the electronic signature, and verification of her agreement to their rules and policies. The agent on the call this morning said that this situation was "weird", and the fact that we had not received any correspondence regarding the denial was not the way things are supposed to be handled. She explained that she thinks the worker we spoke to originally may have thought that I was impersonating my daughter in order to receive benefits, fraudulently. She laughed as she had just spoken to Zoe herself to verify her identity and she could tell we were two different people. She said she would message the worker to inquire about his notes, and would have him contact me. I asked if it would be prudent to walk into an office with Zoe in order to prove that their assumptions were incorrect, and she agreed that it would be the optimal action. I left that call feeling a ton of anxiety weighing on me. But there was one more call to make. This one was actually for me. I called a lab to make an appointment to have bloodwork done. Voicemail is full. Seriously? I call the main number and inform them that the office closest to my home is unreachable by phone. The person at the main lab informs me that no appointment is necessary. So I can walk in. So if you're keeping tally, that is THREE situations that call for leaving the house. All involve potentially long wait times. At that point, I am overstimulated, and make an impassioned speech to Rick and Zoe, letting them know that I am done making phone calls for the day, and am feeling a lot of frenetic energy. Enough that I took an Ativan to manage the building anxiety attack. I let them know that my reactions have nothing to do with them, but I am going to put my ear buds in, and listen to podcasts and work, and would like uninterrupted time to handle my own stuff. I think this frustration hit a ceiling last night, as I had stopped working to make dinner. But I had to wash dishes before I could attempt that. I was trying to make lasagna, and I was feeling like I was trying to handle too many steps on my own. Because of this, I made a mistake. I was trying to boil the noodles, and splashed boiling water on my right hand. Everyone panicked. I stood at the sink trying to get a little relief. Zoe stood staring at me with a worried look on her face. I wrapped my hand in a wet hand towel, and continued making dinner. Rick offered to go to the pharmacy to get burn ointment. At first I said it would be fine. He chose that moment to say, "Everything is terrible, and life is hell. We should just give up now." I ain't gonna lie... I saw red. I responded, "Right now? Seriously? Please don't do this to me. Not right now." He said the words I knew were coming, but dreaded to hear. "I'm depressed." I began crying. I started blaming myself. "What can I do to help?" It is something I say frequently. I feel like it is MY responsibility to help fix others. I am willing to acknowledge that it is indeed NOT my job to fix people. I should instead give them the space to feel whatever it is that they're feeling, because otherwise, it may appear that I am invalidating their experience. Rick left to go to the pharmacy and I continued to try to finish this damn dinner. But I was floundering. The pain from the burn was making it very difficult to engage in my usual mind over matter tactic. Rick made it home about half an hour later. He helped me apply the burn spray, and I took the opportunity to have a heart to heart. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. He reassured me that his depression has nothing to do with me. After our talk, we finished what would now be considered a Frankenstein lasagna. Noodles had stuck together, I only had one small can of crushed tomatoes to work with, and I had made one too many substitutions to make something remotely edible. In the end, we watched a movie while eating our actually pretty good Franken-lasagna. Today is chemo day, and I am historically tired, irritable, and dealing with the side effects. Instead, I am walking on eggshells. I need relief. Respite. Today is also therapy day. I will be talking to Lauren at 2 this afternoon. I look forward to her insight about how to appropriately handle everything. |
| I know I keep saying this, but I feel like I am screaming into the void. Yesterday was particularly bad. Spent the whole day feeling "off", like something is about to happen. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just don't know exactly which shoe. Rick has not been feeling well. Sleeping a lot. Looking downtrodden. Not able to focus. I suspect kidney issues. He had kidney issues as a kid and ended up having half of one kidney removed. He has been complaining of weird symptoms, like hot feet for a bit. He doesn't have medical coverage and hasn't for YEARS. This man is EVERYTHING to me, and I cannot live without him. I am trying to get him an appointment at a community health clinic, but the wait is 6-8 weeks to see a doctor. My daughter has been here for almost a month. I am still struggling with how to help her. She cannot stay here indefinitely, and I know that is what she wants. She cannot work a traditional nine to five due to heart defects, scoliosis, asthma and severe anxiety. I just don't know how to help her. Our apartment is small, and navigating around small spaces and doing what we want to do can be tricky at times. She is a gamer, and is online from around 9 in the morning until 10 or later at night. When she is online, she is actively having conversations with her friends. It is hard to concentrate unless I have ear buds in playing music or a podcast to drown her out. I hate complaining, because a year ago, I would have given anything to have her here. I have tried to gently talk to her about it, but every time, I feel like she panics, which then causes anxiety in me. Rick's ADHD is causing him to not be able to concentrate, which makes him pace and fidget, and when that happens, he turns to gaming as well. Three people in a one bedroom apartment, all dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and health issues is a bit much for me this past week. It is hard to be productive when everyone around you is doing their own things. I am not operating efficiently. Not coming remotely close to reaching my potential. I have all but abandoned my writing and that makes me incredibly sad. But there is so much I *have to* do, that I feel guilty doing what I *want to* do. My new sewing machine has sat untouched, beyond threading. I want to get into designing my bags, but I do not have the capacity. I am fighting like hell to avoid falling into depression. We are having money issues. With Rick doing freelance work, there is no way to budget. We are getting to the point that we are going to have to go to a food pantry to supplement what we do have in our cupboards. At this point, the days are running into one another and I feel like I am just existing. There's gotta be more to life, right? |
| Today is Wednesday, which makes this another chemo day. Meds, the an hour with my therapist. Today, the pain and fatigue is too much. I came here to simply blog about what I am grateful for, hoping that act alone will help propel me a little further than my bed. Shall we commence? 1. the fridge, freezer and cupboards are full. I can whip up any number of dishes in matter of half an hour. That helps me feel like I am in control. 2. Rick and Zoe's care for me when I am feeling bad is top notch. 3. Libraries near us that have dvd copies of shows we want to watch that aren't streaming anywhere. 4. Chemo that is probably helping the rheumatoid reactions in my body. I am not thankful for the side effects. 5. Being oversaturated with things to resell that I did not have to pay for. 6. The ability to take cat naps. My circadian rhythm is quite generous to allow a mid day nap, and my internal alarm clock that wakes me after twenty minutes. 7. The oodles of cds and playlists I found from my past that are so good. |
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