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All about my little life |
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For those who want to, here you can read all about my life. Don't expext spectacular things, I'm just a 19 year old girl, living on her own in Amsterdam, working as a nurse, and like a lot of people, unable to understand herself. This is me.. If you want to respond to anything I wrote, or just have something to say, please sign my guestbook at http://expage.com/cgibin/freepage.cgi/?PAGE_NAME=ilonaslife&FC=&html=/html/g_sig... |
| It's been over 2 years since I last posted something here and a lot has happened since then. What made me come back here and post was an email I received here, telling me someone has given me an upgraded membership for 3 months. Who this anonymous person is I don't know, all it said was 'enjoy this'. So I figured the least I could do was do exactly that! I'm starting off by using this journal thingy again. This year has been rather good for me. I decided 2005 would become MY year, and that I would be happy and enjoying life to the fullest, and the main part of the year has been that good for me. Already in the first week of January it started. My sister received a call that she had won a 15 day Caribbean cruise. In March we flew to Miami and had 2 1/2 wonderful weeks! In June my friend Rian and I decided it was time to make our plans about going to Australia finally reality, so 5 weeks from now I'll be on a plane to Melbourne. The first week of November my sister and I are going to Paris for a weekend. I spent this year hanging out with friends, laughing a lot, drinking (too much sometimes) and doing whatever it was I wanted to do. In February I finished my studies, and now work as a registered nurse here in Amsterdam. As much as I like working there, I work with great people and it's always lots of fun, I'm not sure if this is what I really want. I'm not really in a hurry to find out what I would like to do, since I have a job that I like and that pays well. I'm waiting for the answer to come find me, instead of me going crazy trying to figure out what it is I want. Of course it hasn't been only good. There have been some extremely sad moments this year too. The saddest and most shocking of all was my grandfathers VERY unexpected death nearly 2 months ago. He had always been my favorite grandparent, and I miss him very very much. I'm not in the mood to talk about sad things today, the sun is out and quite warm for the time of year, and I just want to smile and be happy. I might not feel this way tomorrow, so I will enjoy it while it lasts. I'm going to take a shower now, have to go to work an hour from now, and I look like crap. (Had a little bit too much to drink last night :)) If you're interested in reading about my life, be sure to check in from time to time, I'm planning to post here on a regulair base again, and if you're not, well then what the heck are you doing here anyway? If you're Mr/Mrs/Miss generous anonymous, I'm really curious who you are! "I want to be the one to dance in the sun" |
| How can one be so influenced by the weather? Sun equals Happiness, excitement, smiles, energy etc. Clouds/rain equal staying inside, not really feeling like doing anything, not feeling really depressed or anything, but... I don't now... Can't wait for the sun to come out again! "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| Excitement, hyperactivity, happiness, tears, stress, fear, unable te sleep, music of the past, stomach ache, butterflies.. Different emotions, feelings, thoughts leaving me confused. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't go back to feeling depressed again, oh no, I still feel kind of good actually, but strange too. Am I in love? Or am I making myself feel like I'm in love without actually being in love? Would I still feel this way about this person if I would actually get him? Would I still have these feelings? Do these feelings actually apply to him? Am I making sense? I can really understand that the more people read about me, read what I ramble every once in a while, the less the understand of me. The more I think about myself, the less I understand myself.. Love is in the air everywhere these days, and makes me wonder more and more if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I had a great guy. He loved me so much, and I thought I loved him in return, but getting him, having him already changed it all, and the longer we were together, the more he started to annoy me. For no good reason. He hadn't changed, I'm not even sure if I had changed, but my feelings for him had. I've always had this, also with normal friends I used to really want close friends, and I used to have them, but as close as I (thought I) wanted them to get, the minute they got that close, they started to annoy me. For a while I even thought I was so anti-social that I would end up all alone, not being able to live together with other people in a normal way. I can keep my friends now. I have some very close friends, who I love very much, and yes sometimes I get tired of them, but I guess they get tired of me too every once in a while. My point is, that that has changed, I can keep my friends now, I don't have that urge to break up our friendship, break free anymore when they get too close, maybe one day that'll happen with guys too. Hopefully one day I'll be ready to commit myself to a relationship, to not give up the minute things aren't all great anymore, to actually share my life with someone. Right now I'm scared of getting involved with someone, afraid of ending up hurting them because I'm just not quite there yet, not quite ready.. I need to stop thinking I guess, stop analyzing, start living, start feeling, start listening to my heart.. Right? (please people do enter something in my GB if you recognize this, or have an advice... you can find the link above under journal discribtion...) "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| For the first time since March (when I wrote my last entry) I'm back here. When I read my last few entries, about spring and the thing about Amsterdam and what a great city it is, and how great the world really is in the sunlight, it brought a smile to my face. A week or 2 ago, reading this would make me ever sadder. It would make me feel betrayed, I was looking forward to a great summer of laughter, parties, spending days at the beach, plain happiness, but all of a sudden things looked different, I felt depressed for different reasons. Anyways, I didn't come back here to talk about derpression, I didn't even come back here to write, I just felt like looking, since I couldn't remember what I had been writing about in the first place. But when I read it all again, I made me feel the same way as the day I wrote it, happy, excited about just being alive. People, it's summer!! Let's all be happy!! Let's be nice to one another!! Let's party all summer!! Let's make out on the beach!! Let's fall in love!! Let's be loved in return!! Summer summer summer summer summer summer summer!! And I'm happy!! "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| It's been quite a while since my last entry. Time seems to by flying by, and I'm enjoying myself!! I just love the fact that it's spring, you can see and feel it everywhere! When you wake up the birds are singing, the sun is playing games with a tree which leaves funny shadows on your bed, while you yawn, stay in bed for another few lazy moments and then get up and open the doors to your balcony. You smell spring outside, it's nice and warm in the sun, you feel like doing all sorts of things, going skating in the park (vondelpark for those of you who know it, love it there!!), going to the beach for a walk, I feel like doing all sorts of things!! I spent the last 2 weeks going to school, and school is like vacation after a few months at work, it's fun to see everybody again, and we had lots of fun. I've been seeing lots of my friends, and doing all sorts of fun things. Most time has been spent on thinking and dreaming about Frank though.. Spring brings back the butterflies.. "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| I've been sick for almost 2 weeks now, I've spent 2 nights on the ER this week, I've almost had to stay at the hospital, and I've had sex with Erik yesterday, my life is a mess!! "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| I heard om the radio today that Amsterdam is in the top ten of best places to live in, the ten best places in the world!! Now aren't I lucky to be living here!! I really love Amsterdam. When I was little and I came here I always used to say that I would never want to live here, I really hated it. But now, when I look around me, the buildings, the people, the atmosphere, the canals, I love it! It's a city of possibilities, everything is possible here, here you can be whoever you want to be, and you'll be accepted. In Amsterdam you can go out every day of the week, now I'm not saying that every day is equally fun, because that would be a lie, since most people don't go out on weekdays, but anyway. The best season in Amsterdam is the summer, full terraces everywhere, people out on the street, hanging out in one of the parks in Amsterdam, people parying on boats on the canals, the summer makes you fall in love with Amsterdam, if not another season has already done that! I'm so glad the summer is slowely approaching again :) O, and for the people who haven't seen it yet, above, under journal discribtion is a link to my guestbook, would love to find some messages there :) Let me know what you think, whatever it is.. "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| Hi, Since my boss is using my name to write under, I just thought I'd introduce myself, show you the real Yana. As some of you might know, i'm a cat, i'm THE cat.. People always say that i look really cute, but also that by only seeing a glimpse of my little face you can tell i'm a little brat.. I spend my day throwing stuff around the house, eating from the plants, and depending on my mood occasionally ruining everything that comes on my way! Other than that, i pretty spend my time asleep and trying to get my boss's attention, preferably when she just going to sleep, under the shower or behind her computer. I've found the perfect way to get her attention when she's behind that stupid PC of hers, there's this cute little key on the keyboard, that instantly shuts down the whole computer, usually works!! For those who want to know what I look like, picture before you the most beautiful cat you can imagine.. yeah, that looks pretty much like me.. Ok, imagine that pretty cat to be grey, light grey.. right, we're getting there... Ok, now i'm a little chubby... no, no wait, not THAT chubby!! There's no need to get offensive here!! Yeah, that's more like it. Now imagine that cat to have yellowish eyes, right.. Now that's me!! Yana, nice to meet you!! "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| Why do I always make things so difficult for myself? Not that there was anything I could have done to prevent this from happening, but still.. About a week ago I had a dream, no, it was about 2 weeks ago.. Anyway, the dream was about this guy, a guy I work with, a really sweet and cute guy, but that's beside the point (well actually it's not, but hey..) Anyway, I don't remember the entire dream, but I remember us ending up kissing.. That morning I woke up thinking, why the **** did I dream about him? And why this? But nothing else, I mean, I've always thought he's kinda cute, but that was it, or so I thought. A few days later when I was at work, I remember looking on the whiteboard where we write down who works that day, afternoon and night, so the patients can see that, and seeing that he (Jeroen) had to work that evening, and I remember that I was really happy I would see him in a few hours.. That made me wonder, what was going on here? A few days later, valentines day, we went out to dinner with a few people from work, and after that we would go to some bar. Jeroen had to work that evening, but I had heard that he would come to that bar after work. I just kept looking at the door when we were at that bar, waiting for him to come.. To make a long story a little bit shorter, i guess that dream made me realize I like him more than I thought.. Now that shouldn't be a problem right? I mean, what's wrong with that. But I still can't seem to get Frank out of my head.. I saw him again yesterday, and nothing has changed in the way I feel about him.. I'm soooo confused!! Please tell me what to do!! I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, when I'll be working with Jeroen again, but I can't seem to stop hoping I'll see Frank again tomorrow too.. Who have said love is a beautiful thing? It probably can be, I know it can, but why can't it be that way for me? "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
| Tomorrow it's valentinesday.. Now I'm not crazy about this day, I don't even like this day, but still, I have to admit that valentinesday would be more fun when you're not alone. When I grew up I remember being jealous at my sister for getting presents from her boyfriend, for them going out on a romantic dinner together, etc. I'm not jealous anymore, I chose to be alone this year, I chose to break free.. But now that it's valentines day tomorrow, I don't know.. Not that I would want to spend it with Erik, not at all.. Ok, let's be honest here. It actually has nothing whatsoever to do with Vday, it has everything to do with Frank.. I want to be with him so bad, and I know I have to make a move, but I just don't how, I don't know what to do!! That's what this is all about. And valentines day is just another day that reminds me of what I don't have, just like every other day.. "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone." |
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