Mein Doppelganger (My Double)

Mein Doppelganger

When I was a girl, on every birthday I would ask my parents to recount the day that I was born. Oh, they would smile and give me the dramatic details of how I began my entrance into the world on the very day that I was due. Six o’clock in the morning to be exact—my mother’s water broke and since I was her first born, she and my father panicked and made a frantic dash for the hospital—luckily in one piece with the way that my father drove. I was named Elaina, after my mother’s childhood friend who once saved my mother from drowning to death in a lake. I’ve never remembered meeting her, although my parents claim that I had when I was about 3 years old. Anyway, another thing that my parents always mentioned about the day I was born was that I had a dark cross-like mark on my forehead. Even the nurses remarked about it and teased that I already received God’s blessing. It has since faded.

When I was about 3 or 4 years old, I had what my family called an imaginary friend; only it was not imagined because I actually saw, heard and touched a child who was identical to me. Her name was Binnie. We would laugh and play together throughout the day. My parents just assumed that I had made up a playmate because of the birth of my new baby brother. But I felt such a closeness with Binnie that I could not articulate at such a young age. We made up our own songs. It got to the point that neither of us needed words, we just knew each other that well. I remember asking my mother to feed Binnie at mealtimes, but she would either ignore me or fuss at me for being silly. Binnie never ate or took baths or even went to church or Grandma’s house. But when I would go to my bedroom she would be there just lying on the bed and ready to play a game or sing a song. Then the visits ended. Maybe it happened gradually as I grew up, I can’t tell but I just realized one day that I didn’t see her or even need her anymore. Besides by that time I had siblings and school mates with whom I could socialize.

My parents and I continued the birthday recap tradition for eighteen years. This was the most exciting and I was so anxious for them to get through the story already! As we sat together in the living room, surrounded by my siblings, Erick, Ennis, and Emily, and my close friends, a small gift box (which I knew contained the key to my very first car) sat on the coffee table and I was on edge ready to pounce on it. Needless to say I ran outside and got in the drivers seat of the midnight blue 1980 Chevy Camaro leaving my friends to all shove in wherever there was space. That was one of the best days of my life.

However upon my return home late in the night, I felt really ill. “Maybe you had too much birthday cake!” my mother chided. “Maybe it’s the ‘lightly used’ car smell” my father added sarcastically. Realizing that I had a fever, my mother immediately sent me to bed—to my relief. Many odd dreams and nightmares followed. In a journal that I kept I wrote that I dreamed there were swarms of cats walking around in my World History class and no one seemed to notice. Then I wrote that I dreamed I was going through a car wash in my new car which ended on a very steep decline down a hill giving my body the sensation of being on a roller coaster. I didn’t write the last dream in my journal because I wish I could permanently forget that I was being suffocated with a giant marshmallow pillow. Someone very strong was strangling me and forcing me deeper into the soft dry white marshmallow. I choked and gagged from the pressure of the person’s hands and also from the sickening sweet odor. I struggled and clawed at the hands and arms that pinned me down deeper and deeper. Finally I felt my fingernails lock deeply into flesh and it gave me the leverage I needed to pull myself upward just a bit. Once I did I was astonished to see that the face peering down at me was identical to my own. I can’t remember how long I studied her face but it when I saw the faint cross mark on her forehead, it absolutely sent me into hysterics! Needless to say I awoke the entire family. At this time I can only remember sweating, trembling and sliding across my bedroom floor as my parents tried to console me. I was traumatized by what I’d dreamed. I felt as though I could still feel the presence of this thing; just hovering around me in mockery.

I refused to sleep for the rest of the night and my fever escalated. I couldn’t stop seeing the face that was so much like mine with only the eyes being different for they seemed so vacant and unfamiliar; soulless. My parents took me to the emergency room the next day where doctors gave me an ice bath and fever reduction medications. Although Sigmund Freud may have been quite amused by the explanations that people have provided for my journey into the subconscious, the dream of my twin is still vivid and her visits have still occurred during waking hours!

Ten years after the first experience, on my wedding day she resurfaced.

I was sitting alone in the back of a limousine. I recall feeling amazingly calm. Though my entire bridal party was lined up waiting to begin the procession, it was a very hot, humid day in August and they insisted that I remain in the air conditioned vehicle to prevent my makeup and hair from getting flawed. I kept looking at the digital clock in the backseat and counting down the time to my vows. It was now just down to about 15 minutes. The limo driver was seated behind the wheel humming to himself. Determined to begin my wedding on time, I was pleased to be able to watch my guests arrive in their formal attire. Finally I saw the officiating minister, standing and gently dabbing his head with his handkerchief while admiring the white gardenias surrounding the outdoor altar.

Just then I glanced to my right and at about 20 feet away from the limousine there stood my twin. Although we still very strongly resembled each other, her face looked haggard and drawn. Her eyes still held that vacant stare though and what really shocked me is that she wore a wedding gown identical to mine which hung ill fitted on her thin and spindly body. She didn’t quite smile, but just had what I would call a “knowing” expression on her face. The cross mark seemed even darker on her forehead. This was no dream as I was fully cognizant of everything around me.
Her ominous presence frightened and angered me to the point that I cried, “Shit!! Where did she come from?”
The driver turned first to look at me and then out at her. “I dunno nuttin’ ‘bout ‘dat, But I know ‘dat you’re on now.”
My father then approached the limo and opened the door. “Well, Baby Girl. This is it!” There seemed to be a small commotion around my mother. She was crying.
“Daddy, who is that woman?” I asked.
He gave me an incredulous look and responded, “That is your mother! She’s at it again with her water works!” Then to my mother he called, “Save it, Suzanne! I’ve spent too much money on the photographer to have you come out looking like a Pekinese in the wedding album.”
“No, Daddy. That woman over there. You see her over there don’t you?” My anxiety was in full form.
My father squinted at looked over at my twin who maintained her sick gaze toward me. “Yep. I see her. Welcome, Madam. The ushers will seat you this way,” he smiled and called out to her.
“No, Daddy!!! No!! She’s evil! Please get her out of here.” But he wasn’t getting it.
“Mother O’God. Look, now we don’t have time for this. Between you and your mother you’re going to drive me to an early grave, you know that? Evil… Hmm. Evil is that sick mother-in-law you are going to inherit in exactly two minutes! Step right up!”

As I glanced back to see her, my veil began to slide down from my tiara. I tried to hold it up and balance my bouquet at the same time, but I tripped. My father and the limo driver tried to help me but then my mother and my maid of honor came rushing over, too. My double was still standing there just gawking at me. I tried to tell anyone who would listen about this unwelcome visitor, but no one paid any attention and we all scurried to join the procession. I stammered over my own vows because I was too distracted by watching out for that woman who somehow looked so much like me. I didn’t see her any more at the wedding.

This experience was not a very nice way of starting my honeymoon and beginning married life. After that day, I just could not shake this feeling of both fear and impending doom no matter how I tried. My nights were sleepless because I kept feeling this oppressive presence that would not let up until after 4AM. My husband, Ed saw how nervous and despondent I had become. We discussed all possible explanations for the sighting, but nothing made sense. Then he suggested that we get some answers from a psychic. I refused. I didn’t believe in the occult. Instead I went to a psychotherapist who counseled me and prescribed antidepressants. I was able to get to sleep with the medication, but for some reason I began losing weight, growing pale and losing my hair and teeth! My doctor thought that the medications were the cause for my changes and put me on two other types of pills. In the course of a year I weighed 98 pounds (I am 5’7), very thin hair, shingles on my skin and wearing dentures at 30 years old. I had undergone a battery of tests for cancer, MS, even anorexia nervosa, but they all were negative.

My mother had moved in with Ed and me temporarily when I needed living assistance. Ed was becoming a little weary and frustrated with my health issues. One day as she was putting on my socks for me, she sighed and said, “Sweetie, you’ve got to try and get better soon, ok?”
“Why is that, Mom?” I asked.
With tears in her eyes she said softly, “For your husband, Dear. For Ed.”
I thought I knew what my mother was getting at. Ed was distancing himself from me both emotionally and physically as we now slept in separate rooms. We had gone through so much in the short time that we had been married. I would’ve done anything to solve this mystery and get well. Doctor after doctor advised me that my condition was more psychological than physical.

No matter how I tried to communicate and engage Ed, he wouldn’t respond. He would spend hours in his room with the door closed only leaving it to go to work and the bathroom.

One night as usual I couldn’t sleep and I decided to chill out and watch a classic black & white gangster movie. When it ended I joyously welcomed my persistent yawning and heavy eyelids. The television and the lights were out, but I still heard noises. Then I heard Ed’s laughter. I thought to myself, “What could he find so funny at one forty-five in the morning?” but then I remembered he had his own television in his room. I grew more annoyed as the laughter continued louder and with some conversation. I’m thinking he’s on the phone and watching t.v. at the same time. Then he shouted, “Yeah, Baby!!” As frail and tired as I was, I really needed to speak to him to ask him to keep quiet. I got up from my bed and took my time taking small steps to his room. I never thought to knock first because we were still husband and wife living under the same roof.

When I opened the door, I was shocked to find Ed standing over a woman who was reclining on the sofa bed and they were both naked. For a few seconds I was slightly blinded by the light in the room, but when my vision adjusted what I saw left me dumbfounded. The woman on the bed was…me! She looked exactly the way I looked all my adult life. The way I would’ve looked today had I not become ill. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the face of my dear, sweet Ed. “Ed!!!” I began to sob. My twin stood nude in the middle of the floor gazing at me expressionless. That cross was still there on her forehead.
Then she bolted for the closet. Ed looked over at her and cried, “Binnie!! No!! Don’t leave me!” He charged the closet and apparently she had disappeared into thin air. As he was whimpering, what he said earlier dawned on me. Binnie was the name of my childhood companion that no one saw except for me. She was my double then as she was now. “Ed, what did you call her?” I asked composing myself.
“Her name is Binnie,” he replied and then went on to mention something else about me not appreciating him, but I had heard all I needed.

It has been four years since I last saw my body double. For the first time in six years, I feel great, have gained thirty pounds and I’m in very good health. I don’t know how this happened to me and it doesn’t matter if anyone believes my account. I feel a sense of closure knowing that I can identify this entity by name. I don’t know what her intentions are for me. We started out as friends and then she attempted to murder and possibly poisoned me and then stole my husband. Who knows what that cross mark on both our heads mean? The trauma and fear departed from me that night I found her with Ed and as inexplicable as it is, I feel empowered. After two attempts at reconciliation, Ed and I chose to divorce but we still care for each other.