Izzy

Message #2212660, posted on 03-15-11 @ 10:56 am EDT,
by: Cleejeab

Subject: Izzy

* This message was last edited: 03-17-11 @ 12:42 pm EDT
Shoes tapped rapidly on the floor above my head as I stared blankly out the window. I felt so lost then. I remember my hair was a wreck probably almost dreadlocks. I hadn’t showered in days and my guess is I smelled like crap. It was a pretty intense winter that year, and we had been running for so long I hadn’t even noticed it was snowing until we had to pull over because the road in front of us was unclear we couldn’t see even a trace of the lines anymore.

The motel 6 we had found was something else. About as classy as the trailer park across the street, not exactly my personal choice of a vacation spot. But I wished I was there. I wished I was somebody else, and this trip was just a bad dream that I would soon be ripped out of by the beeping of an alarm clock.

I remember thinking that if thing that if things went south from here Id end it. All of this mess was my fault anyway; Adam didn’t need to suffer too. I leaned over so I could see the ground about thirty some-odd feel below me. A fall from this height could probably kill
me. I pictured myself hitting the ground and blood spattering everywhere. My head hitting the cement blocks that made such a pretty flower bed would do me in for sure. The idea danced in my head all too appealingly. My fingers slid up and down the window pain, tracing the cracks in the paint as I went. I was about to pop the window open when Adam walked in.

“What are you doing” he murmured.

“Just, you know, looking” I said guiltily.

Anybody, even a stranger, could read the display of disbelief on his face but he didn’t accuse me of anything even though he knew what I was doing. He looked away and started digging through our little duffel bag. I could feel his sadness from across the room and it broke my heart that I was doing this to somebody I claimed to care so much
about. I ambled across the room and sat next to the bag he was digging through. He didn’t look at me.

“Things are rough right now, I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything back, he just walked out. I started to follow him but something through the red sheer curtains caught my eye. I temporarily forgot about what was going on with Adam and walked over to see what I was actually looking at. Drawing them back I could see a boy. Fear shot through me as I realized I’d seen him before, many times in fact. He was looking up directly at me smiling. A scream ripped through me and out of my mouth before I could comprehend it was me that was screaming. Adam rushed back into the room in a panic. He was at my side in no time looking out the window. He let out a sigh.

“There’s nothing there Izzy, calm down.”

My tears and short abrupt gasps turned to sobs when I pealed my burning red eyes from Adam and looked back out the window. The boy had vanished with no proof he had ever been there. Not even footprints in the snow. I lifted my hand to point but it was shaking so hard that he probably couldn’t tell where I was pointing.

“He was out there! I really did see him! Adam please you have to believe me!”

I smashed my hand into the window out of anger. This child, or thing or whatever it was, was making me look crazy. Nobody could see him but me. Even back in New York before everything had started, when i first saw the boy. He had been in my mom’s room sitting on her vanity, growling at me while she was doing her makeup but even then nobody
believed he was there. That was the week my parents died, i was seven. The next time i saw him was at the funeral, and then again when my aunt died. He began appearing more and more, always lurking in the darkest depths of my life.

I looked up to see I’d cracked the glass with my fist. My knees buckled under me and I fell, hitting my head on the windowsill on my way down. Blood slid off my head and mixed with tears as it ran into my right eye making it sting even worse. I didn’t even bother to wipe it off. I just let my head fall onto my knees while I sat there and rocked trying to make sense of all of this.

What did he want; to just torment me until I killed myself? Was that it? Or could I really have been as crazy as everybody thought I was. Adam strode over to the bag and pulled out my bottle of risperdal and threw it at me.

"take some, it'll help"

I held it loosely in my left hand contemplating it. The white label was obnoxiously bright against the dark orange bottle. My fingers traced my name over and over. I hated the way it made me numb, and tiered and unattached. I hated that it would make me pass out, and that the sleep it brought would only be temporary peace. But more than everything, i hated what this so called hallucination was doing to me and Adam. I was losing him, it was obvious that he was starting to believe i really was crazy. How could i blame him?

The bottle seemed to burn my hand as i held it, staring. In my mind i wondered what Adam would do it i just swallowed the whole bottle. Could an ambulance come in time to save me? Adam watched me with serious eyes. I wasn't sure what he was thinking but he had to have a pretty good idea of what was going through my mind. He slightly smiled, and that meant i hadn't totally lost him. Yet.

At that moment i made my decision. Popping off the top of the bottle i dropped two little green tablets in my hand turned them over once and then threw them at the back of my throat, choking them down. The chalky taste they left in my mouth made me gag. I pulled myself up and plodded over to the gross yellow kitchenette. I turned the water on and it ran red-brown for a second then almost clear. Reluctantly, I filled a little Dixie cup with the nasty water and drank it. It slid down my throat like thick, disgusting slime slowly washing down the freshly swallowed pills. I could taste the rust from the water pipes,
it was obvious they were severely neglected.


I walked across the room, handed Adam the bottle and laid down on the bed. I hadn't even noticed how cold the room was until i took off my sweater. I laid there trying to relax, anticipating the numbness that would soon swallow me. The world became fuzzy as the risperdal kicked in. I felt myself dozing, catching less and less of what was going on around me. The last thing i saw before i fell into complete blackness was Adam. Sitting at the foot of the bed stairing at me, completely expressionless.


* * * * *

A large blast of air seemed hit me from every direction stinging my skin. I sat up gasping as It immediately snapped me into consciousness. How did it get so bitterly cold, i was inside. I rolled over to see that the window was open and snow was flying everywhere. I started to roll off the bed, but something stopped me. I could feel him watching me, even from across the room. I turned slowly only to confirm my fear. he was standing maybe ten feet away from me, slightly hunched as if he were ready to fight. his teeth were bared and he watched my with an intensity id never seen from any human before.

His eyes were the strangest color. They were violet with little specks of black around the outside of his pupils, so it looked like they were painted and then ever so slightly smeered by the accidental brush of his artist's hand.They seemed ageless, like they coud have fit the face of a newborn or that of an elderly man.

I stumbled backwards trying to get away without turning my back to him, he was so horrifying yet so beautiful that i found it amost hard to back away. I could tell he read my expression because he laughed, much too deeply for the age he looked, as if there were something inside of him making that terrifying sound.

Tears ran down my face as i retreated toward the window. I must have been crying a lot louder than i thought because Adam walked into the room, not really in a hurry but he was obviously worried. The light flicked on and with that, the boy disappeared. The world seemed to spin as i tried to wrap my mind around what was going on. Adam stood
in the doorway with his hands on his hips. I stood up as fast as i could, praying i could explain myself and that he might try to understand. As soon as i was on my feet my knees weakened i collapsed, hitting the floor with a thud. Adam came to my side and helped me up.

"whats wrong with you?"

He said wrinkling his nose as if i were something revolting. The look he was giving me reeked of disdain and it made me feel less than human, like a dog that had displeased my master. I searched his face for some form of sympathy and got nothing. In that moment i felt so alone and afraid. The room was still freezing and the window was still
open, but the cold i was feeling went deeper than just in my skin, and at that moment my heart broke. Adam was all i had left before this, and now that he had abandoned me, i had nothing. I pushed him away.

"Leave."

"Izzy, don't be like this. I understand that your parents dying messed you up, it would happen to anybody. But its been nine years, your eighteen now and you need to grow up. If anybody should be mad here, its me."

"Whatever Adam. Its not like i chose any of this. If i could change it all i would, but i cant. So I'm sorry i put you through so much, just go be mad somewhere else okay?"

I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. I knew i needed him, and that he was my last grip on and sanity i still had but if he didn't understand then i had to do it alone. Even though it was more than likely going to be that exact thinking that got me killed. I
turned on the hot wanted full blast and started to strip. If i was going to die tonight, i was at least going to die clean. The room filled with steam and i sat on the floor watching the water level rise in the tub.

It really was a pretty little bathtub, one of the ones with little gold pegs around the bottom so its off the floor, like you see in old movies. When it was full i stood up and started to get in. As my foot hit the water i stopped. Could you drowned in only a foot and a half
of water? I ignored my doubts and let my foot slide into the water, half expecting something to pop out, grab my ankle and drag me under. No water monsters seemed to be occupying this bathtub so i let the rest of my body sink in, laughing quietly to myself at how paranoid i had become.

The hot water was so relaxing i slowly let my head become submerged. Holding my breath, i watched my hair float over my face it looked like black ink floating freely in the clear water. I could hear Adam in the next room, probably packing and leaving me forever. I closed my eyes and decided that whatever happened I'd make it out of this alive.

Muffled by the water i could also hear a faint rubbing noise. It sounded impossibly close so i sat up to see if Adam had let himself in to the bathroom to apologize. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. There was nobody in the room with me so i closed my eyes and started to sink back into the water. Suddenly the room became bitterly cold. So cold that i could see steam rising off the water and my breath was clearly viable.

That's when i saw it. My name was rubbed into the steam on the mirror and then i knew for sure i wasn't alone. i stood up quickly and the cold air stung my body. I stepped out of the tub to run but i stepped into a puddle sand slipped back into the warm water taking the plasticey yelow shower curtain with me. It wrapped tightly around me in the water. I kicked and and rolled and tried to get free but the water that was now icy and tinged red with blood surrounded me. I gasped for air but only took in water my limbs grew weak and i realized i really was going to die here.

I could feel my life slipping away. I frantically clung to my last bit of consciousness but blackness was clutching me and wrenching me away from all that i knew. It was like what i imagine falling in quicksand would be. Refusing to let me free. So i let go. Death swallowed me and for the first time in years i felt peaceful. I didn't even care that somewhere, in the back of my mind, a boy laughed. He was happy i fell.