The Big Bang Problem

Sheldon decided one day that he had been quite bored. He wanted to do something original, and was willing to try something crazy at this point, just to liven things up a bit. So, he tapped into his seemingly endless thought stream, and got to work on a new invention.
"There. It's complete. Now I have to find the perfect guinea pig." Sheldon said, after what seemed to be hours of work. In reality, it had only taken forty five minutes. Sheldon sat and thought about who he could test his invention. He decided to make a pros and cons list about testing the new invention on his friends.
"Sheldon, where is the corkscrew?" Raj asked. "In the second drawer on the kitchen counter." Sheldon replied. Finally! Somebody would be transformed by his new device. It camouflaged as a corkscrew, but it was far more than that. "Bernadette, I can't get this. Can you?" Raj asked, struggling with the small device. "She's on the phone." Howard said. "Penny, maybe you could get this open. Please?" Raj said. "Sure. It's just a corkscrew. Back in Nebraska-" Penny started, releasing the spiral shaped part on the small device. Her thumb slipped onto a button, and she started to shrink. The rest of the transformation came about quite quickly. Leonard walked over to the unraveled pile of clothes after seeing some movement. He moved back the blouse to see Penny. A small, baby version of Penny. "Leonard, is she nude?" Sheldon asked. "Yes." Leonard said. "For Heaven's sake, get her off the floor!" Sheldon said, freaking out. "Alright, Sheldon, calm down." Leonard replied. He bent down and carefully picked up the formerly adult Penny. "And goodbye!" Bernadette said, frustrated. She hung up her cell phone, shoved it back into her purse and stomped into the living room. "I'm so angry right now. That was the bitch from my office. She frustrates me so much!" Bernadette said. "Bernie, we have a small problem you may need to see." Howard said casually. "What's wrong?" Bernadette wondered. A small cry came from behind her and she turned around. "Oh my gosh, is that Penny?" she asked. Leonard nodded. "Why is she a baby? And naked?" Bernadette wondered. "I have no idea how she turned into a baby, but her clothes were too big for her when she shrunk." Leonard explained. "I might have some baby clothes in my bag. Howard and I went shopping earlier." Bernadette said. "How about diapers?" Leonard asked. "I think I might have a few of those." Bernadette replied. She rifled through her bag for a few seconds and took out a diaper and a green onesie. "Here you go." Bernadette said. "Actually I really don't have any experience changing diapers." Leonard said. "She doesn't need changing right now. You just have to put the diaper on." Bernadette replied. "Again, no experience with diapers." Leonard repeated. "Really? It's so easy. Alright, I'll take Penny." Bernadette said. Leonard handed his former girlfriend to Bernadette, and she walked back to the bathroom. "Really dude? Do you know anything about babies?" Howard said. "Not much." Leonard said. Bernadette returned, carrying Penny. "She's good to go. Do you want to take her back, Leonard?" she said. "It's ok, you can hold her. I should probably go out and pick up some baby supplies. Anyone want to come with me?" Leonard said. "Sure, why not." Raj said. "I guess I should go too. You're going to need someone who knows about babies anyway." Howard said. "Very funny." Leonard replied sarcastically. "I would love to join you on this shopping excursion." Amy said. The group of four left. Sheldon walked in, humming the Imperial March, and saw the near empty apartment. "Where did Amy, Leonard, Rajesh and Wolowitz go?" he asked. "They went to the store to pick up some baby things. So for now, it's just you, Penny and I." Bernadette responded. "Oh no...She's voided her bowels!" Sheldon said. He dove behind the kitchen counter and peeked over. "I'm going to change her." Bernadette said. "Well, there's no need to point out the obvious. Nobody else is around to do so." Sheldon said. Bernadette dug through her purse again, taking out a small pack of wipes, a clean diaper and some baby powder. "Looks like someone's prepared." Sheldon noted. "I have to be. I'm going to be a mommy soon. I have to get used to my purse being full of baby stuff." Bernadette said, walking off the the bathroom. Sheldon slowly stood up from his hiding spot, and washed his hands again. "I'm sorry this happened to you, Penny. I know you can't understand what I'm saying right now, but you are so cute. Yes you are, you are so sweet." Bernadette said, changing Penny. "Ok, you're all good now. Yes you are, you're all clean." Bernadette said, picking up Penny and standing. She walked out of the bathroom and went back to the main room. "Has the situation been averted?" Sheldon asked, wearing a medical mask. "Yes, I changed her diaper, Sheldon." Bernadette said. "Oh, good." Sheldon said, taking his mask off.
Amy, Howard, Leonard and Raj arrived back at the apartment and went inside to set down everything the had bought. There were bottles, formula, bibs, baby spoons, baby food, diapers, wipes, powder and some onesies. "I think there's a problem here." Sheldon said. "What is it, Sheldon?" Amy asked. "Well, we don't know where the baby is going to sleep." Sheldon replied. "I can stay in Penny's apartment with her, so I can take care of her at night." Leonard said. "What is she going to sleep in?" Sheldon asked. "Howie and I have a playpen at the house that we won't need for a couple months. Until you can figure something out, you can borrow it." Bernadette said. "Thanks, Bernadette. I'll go out and get a crib as soon as I can." Leonard said. "There's not really any rush. Use it as long as you need to." Howard said. "Darn it. I think Penny tinkled on me." Bernadette said. "Wait, never mind. It's just some lemonade I spilled on my lap." she added quickly. "If you need me to get you something else from the car to wear, I can." Howard said. "Thanks Howie, but it's ok. I can clean this up. Take Penny." Bernadette said. She stood and handed the baby to her husband. Howard looked nervous, but tried to lighten the mood. Penny started crying, which freaked Howard out. "What did I do?" he asked. "Nothing. I'll take her." Leonard said. "I think she's just hungry. I feel like that when I haven't eaten in a while." Raj suggested. "I'm going to make her a bottle. Raj, do you want to hold Penny for a few minutes?" Leonard said. "No, it's really not something I trust myself with." Raj replied. "I'll take her. Amy's got you, bestie." Amy said, as Leonard handed Penny to her. He went to make her a bottle before she started to cry.
With Penny fed and sleeping, the rest of the group settled in on the couch to talk about arrangements. "I can stay in Penny's apartment to take care of her when I don't have work, so that would work out to be weekends, days off and at night." Leonard said. "I can take her during the day while everyone's working." Bernadette said. "Great. So is that it?" Sheldon asked. "Pretty much. Why?" Leonard said. "Because now I get to watch Doctor Who. And please get Penny out of my spot." Sheldon said. "Sheldon, it's not really a good idea to wake a sleeping baby." Raj said. "Nonsense. I'm not going to wake her up, I just need her out of my spot." Sheldon said. Leonard carefully picked up Penny and set her in his lap. Sheldon sat in his spot and turned on the tv. "I'm going to get out of here before Sheldon does anything any more stupid." Leonard said, carefully standing. "I'll come with you." Bernadette said. "Why?" Leonard asked. "I don't want my baby's first word to be allons-y." Bernadette replied. "Alright then. Howard, are you coming?" Leonard asked. "Sure. Why not." Howard replied, standing. The three made their way across the hall, and Leonard put Penny in the playpen. "I left the baby stuff in my apartment. I'll be right back." Leonard said, walking back across the hall.
"Ok Leonard, changing diapers is easy. You just take the dirty one, set it away from the baby, wipe front to back, take a new diaper, use some baby powder if you need to, strap the clean diaper on and you're all set." Bernadette explained, showing Leonard the steps. "Now, I want you to practice on this doll. After you've successfully done everything at least three times, you can try it on Penny. Wow, that would sound bad out of context." Bernadette said. She handed Leonard a seemingly old baby doll. "Bernadette, where did you get this?" Leonard asked. "That's Betsy, my childhood doll." Bernadette replied. "A little worn down, don't you think?" Leonard asked. "Hey, she got a little bit damaged in a flood, ok? You wouldn't make fun of a real baby's appearance, would you?" Bernadette said defensively. "Sorry. Of course not." Leonard said. "On the contrary, Leonard-" Sheldon said, seemingly sneaking up on his friend. "Sheldon!" Leonard exclaimed. Penny started crying, and Bernadette picked her up, gently patting her back. "It's ok. Sheldon just snuck up on Leonard, and he got scared." Bernadette said. "I wasn't scared...Just surprised." Leonard said. "Yes, sure. And that would explain why you jumped a foot." Sheldon said facetiously. "Sheldon, go home and sleep. You have work in the morning." Bernadette said. "But Penny is now an infant and she is not sleeping." Sheldon said. "I had to show Leonard how to change a diaper." Bernadette replied. "Well, I'm sure you're a good teacher and all, but you do not seem to have the best student." Sheldon said. Bernadette turned around to see that Leonard had put a diaper on wrong. "Leonard, it's backwards." Bernadette said. "Oh. Crap." Leonard said. "Sheldon, just go home. You need to sleep." Bernadette said. "Very well then. Good night." Sheldon said, turning around and leaving. "Leonard, you just work on this. I'm going to put Penny back in the playpen so she can sleep." Bernadette said. "Ok." Leonard said.
Late at night, Penny woke up crying. Leonard got up to see what was wrong. "Hey Pen, what's bothering you?" he asked, picking Penny up. "I think you need changing." Leonard said nervously. He lay Penny down on the changing part of the playpen. "Forgive me if this turns out wrong. I'm inexperienced." Leonard said. He started to clean Penny up, and she stopped crying. Instead, she started giggling. "What's so funny, Penny?" Leonard asked. Penny did nothing but giggle. Leonard finished changing Penny and placed her back in the playpen. He went to wash his hands, and then picked her back up. "Your onesie is kind of dirty. I should get you a new one." Leonard said, taking the onesie off. He took a clean one out of the laundry basket on the table just behind him, and slipped it over Penny's head. She started giggling again. "What is it? Are you ticklish?" Leonard said. He fastened the onesie and put Penny back in the playpen. "Goodnight again, Penny." Leonard said. Penny fussed a bit, but fell back asleep anyway.
"I think she's ready to spend the day with you, Bernadette." Leonard said, handing Penny's carseat to Bernadette. Penny was starting to wake up, buckled in the carseat. "That's good. I want her to have fun today." Bernadette said. "I'll see you later, Penny. Have a good day." Leonard said. "Bye Leonard." Bernadette said, as Leonard left. Bernadette looked down at Penny, who smiled. "Hi Penny. We're going to have a good day, right?" Bernadette said. She put the carseat on the table and unbuckled Penny, picking her up. "So what should we do first?" Bernadette asked. Penny yawned, and Bernadette smiled. "I think having some breakfast first would be a good idea. Did Leonard put some bottles in your bag?" Bernadette said. She rifled through the bag, until she found a large pocket containing bottles. She extracted one, and heated it. She tested it on her wrist, and once satisfied, fed Penny. "You were really hungry, weren't you?" Bernadette said. She patted Penny on the back lightly. "What should we do now, Penny?" Bernadette wondered, trying to think of baby-friendly activities. "Oh, I know! Peek-a-boo!" Bernadette finally decided. Penny giggled. "Peek-a-boo! Where's Bernie? Peek-a-boo! Here I am!" Bernadette said. Penny laughed more, but started to get upset. "What's wrong, Penny?" Bernadette asked. She picked up Penny and stood up. "Did you have an accident? That's ok, I'll just get you changed." Bernadette said. She looked around, annoyed. "I guess I just have to change you here." Bernadette said. She cleared off the changing table, put a small mat on the table and set Penny on it. As Bernadette was changing Penny, Howard walked through the front door. "Hey Bernie, I'm home. Apparently I had the day off and-" Howard stopped talking. "And what?" Bernadette asked. "Never mind. So, you're just changing a diaper on the coffee table?" Howard wondered. "We don't have a changing table yet, this is the only place I could think of." Bernadette replied. "What about the floor?" Howard told her. "Because that would require too much bending over. I'm pregnant, I can't bend over." Bernadette replied. "You know, I don't think you've ever told me how your childhood was. Were your parents anything like us?" Howard asked. Bernadette thought back to a simpler time, having a flashback. ~"There's my little Bernadette." Mike said, picking up his daughter. "What's wrong?" Mike wondered, as his wife walked in. "Mike, she's an infant and your office doubles as her nursery. You're a cop, just look at these crime scene photos you hung up everywhere. No wonder she's uncomfortable in here." Mrs. Rostenkowski said. "Or it's just because she's a baby. I'm sure she'll grow up just fine." Mike said.~ "You know, now that I think about it, it's probably not worth mentioning." Bernadette said, snapping back to the present.